Hi guys, I'm sooooo sorry for the delay...
Here are the answers to your questions I guess. Hope you won't be desappointed
Let me know and thanks for your comments, you're great!
On advice, I'm putting a warning here. Sensitives subjects inside the following chapter, so careful readers
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEVER THE SAME - PART IV
She was a little nervous for the last hour, wondering what was going to happen. Will he leave again? Will he stay? Will they argue once more? Will they split right now? But now she was getting anxious. Something was wrong. He wasn't moving or saying anything. Could he be asleep? There? Against the window? After a few minutes, she started to really worry and walked over him.
- " Luka? " she said as she laid a hand on his shoulder, benting a little so she could catch a better look at his face. " Luka?? "
His eyes fluttered open as soon as her hand touched him. He escaped her contact, as if her skin burned him, and paced around the living room. surprised, she looked at him.
- " What's going on Luka??! "
He suddently stopped. Looking at her, straight into her eyes.
- " What's going on??? You wanna know what is going on? Are you kidding me Abby? "
He was obviously hurt, and there were something else. His voice was shacking, he clearly had troubles to catch his breath, his eyes were red and he was trying very hard to control himself. He had been crying and it broke her heart. She, only, was making that to him.
she got closer to him but he walk away once again.
- " Luka... you know what I mean... "
- " No, I don't! I don't know anything! And it drives me crazy! "
He was hysterical. She'd never ever seen him like this before. Knowing where the conversation was going, he turned away and headed for the bathroom but was stoped on her way by a strong hand holding her arm.
- "Stop running away!!! "
It was now or never she said to herself. Be strong Abby. For him.
- " Luka I think it will be better for you, me and for Joe that we put some space between us. It's obviously not working anymore and it won't be fair for any of us to stay like this. "
For a few seconds, which seems hours to her, he didn't answer anything. The quick glance she took at him revealed nothing to her. His expression was blanck. Then the storm started. He shrudded his shoulders incredulous
- " Wh... What?
"
She could say he was in shock. She couldn't blame him.
- " You... You want us to... split? "
- " Oh come on Luka! Do you really want to go on this way? "
- " Of course not! But I wanna fix things! But the problem is, I don't know what to do since you're the only one here knowing what's wrong! And you don't want to tell me anything about it. So help me! "
- " Fix things? "
- " Yes! "
- " Fix things..."
- " YES! "
Abby suddenly lost it. It was all too much. His pain, hers, theirs.
- " THINGS CANNOT BE FIXED! "
- " WE can fix everything, if only you agreed to talk to me Abby! I know we can face everything!! "
- " I can't!! And you deserve to be with a real wo... "
She trailed off. She said to much. Damn it. Maybe he won't pick up.
- " What? What are you saying? I deserve what? A real what? "
- " I can't tell you. Leave it alone Luka, PLease. "
Tears were running all over her face.
- " What can't you possibly tell me?? My God Abby, I checked everything! And the only idea I came up with, was that you would have a serious helth issue. That you were going to die, do you understand Abby? I though you were dying! I've been sitting right here with these medical records, truely believing you were going to die! I believed that you were gonna die! I had to pictured my life without you. I had to figure raising our son alone and guess what? "
He hold her her shoulders, forcing her to look at him.
- " ...I can't! And I won't! So now, tell me, what could possibly be worse than that? What do you think I deserve? "
- " A real WOMAN!"
- " ... I ... I already have one. I'm standing right in front of her. What are you talking about? "
His voice hag changed, it was soft, encouraging. She dropped her head down, looking at her feet.
- " Luka... I'm not a real... woman anymore..."
- " Why the hell would you believe that? Of course you are a real woman!!"
_ " No Luka, I'm not, not ever since..."
He gently stroked her shoulder urging her to keep going.
- " Since... ? "
- " Joe "
And all became clear in his head. Joe. Their son's birth. A day which should had been one of the happier day of their lives and which, instead, was that awful day where he got assaulted, Abby almost shot, the arrival in this world of a way too young little boy by a C-section, Abby almost bleeding to death and ... the hysterectomy...
- " Abby..."
She was crying so hard... He tried to take her in his arms but she pushed him away.
- " don't! Don't try to be kind. I know you're as disgusted as I am! "
- " What?! Oh... Abby, I'm not trying to be anything, and you don't disgust me! Of course not. I love you! "
- " No you don't! Not anymore! You don't even touch me or look at me."
- " Abby... I LOVE you... I really do. You know, a year ago, after the surgery, you were pretty sore. Very sore... You didn't stand me touching your belly which I can understand. You were hurt for months Abby so yes, I stopped touching you over there for a long time and whenever I tried to do it again, you were still uncomfortable. And recently, after Joe's birthday, each time we made Love and I tried to get anywhere near your belly, you would just grabb my hands and hold my wrists. I though... I don't know, I though you were in a stage where you needed " control " and you know well that whenever you want control, you can take it, I'll never complain. And when we're finished, I'm usually the only one near naked, you're almost fully clothed! It's always rough and fast. Not that I mind doing it on the floor, against a wall, on the couch or in the shower, but we only have " sex ". I like sex, I love sex, but I want... more!!!!!! I want to make Love to you and I want you to make Love to me. CAn you remember what it was? How good we fit together? "
- " Not anymore.""
- " Of course we do Abby. You can't see how much I love you, can you? "
- " you don't"
- " Yes I do. I do, more that words can say but I'm going to try anyway because I need you to understand it. "
He took her hand and lead her toward the couch. They sat together and he faced her, holding both her hands in his.
- "Abby, do you remember when I told you about war in Crotia? "
She nodded.
- " I didn't tell you everything about it. But I guess it's time to do so. "
He took a deep breath and started
- " After Danijella and the kids died, I had to join the army, you know that. I fought with the rage, guilt and anger that had been consuming me. I was, well, stupid and fearless because I didn't give a dam about dying. I felt like if I had nothing left, nothing was worth living for. Anyway, one night, we were embushed. I've been shot, you know, the scar I never wanted to explain to you? well, that was a bullet... I lost consciousness for I guess a few hours because when I woke up, I was alone in a cage, the sun was up, the bleeding of the wound has stopped. They... They left me there, in that tiny cage for seventeen days, never getting out of it. The wound was infected but I've got tons of mud at my disposal... They didn't get me anything to eat or drink. I just got to stay there, in a box where I couldn't lie or sit completly straight. For 4 days I waited for something to drink. You know, you can forget the hunger. It's hard at first, but you get to it. But thirst Abby... You just can't get past it. It's here... in your head, in you mouth, in every muscle, in every part of you. Like if each cell of your body was sceaming for a single drop of anything. I tried to focus on my family I just lost, tried to remember my children, the way they played, the way Jasna used to kiss me good night, the way Marko yawned on mornings, every little things they were doing everyday. But I just couldn't. Every dream I had wasn't about them, or Danijella, not even my parents. Just about bottles, chutes, lakes, oceans... All that water, just unreachable. I realized then, that I would have kill for a sip of water... You must wonder now, why I'm telling this to you, right now, when you do believe that I don't love you anymore. But you know that sensation i've just describe, that's exactly what you are for me. I just can't stop thinking about you. You're in my head and heart whatever I'm doing, wherever I'm going, Whoever i'm with. I would do everything for you, I would do wathever it takes to keep you by my side. I need you, like I need water and air. I need you to live, I need you to be happy. And I love you. God knows how much I love you. And I do so exactly as you are. FOR what you are. With what you have and without the rest. I love you with your hair and I will love you in fifty years when they'll be grey and almost all gone. I have shivers each time I see you coming over me and I'll still shiver when I'll see you down the hall with a walker. And I love the way to look at me, the way you make me feel, the way you make me alive. I love what you made of me. I love the child you gave us and I could never expected to have that chance again, and I know that giving birth to him had a price... but let's face it Abby, even if everything had turned out OK without you having a surgery, we both know we wouldn't have had another kid... Look at me, I already look as a grandpa... but you... you are as stunning as ever. You are the most beautiful, wonderful and perfect woman to me, the only one I love, the only one I desire...