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Post by FicWriter on Dec 8, 2008 4:05:01 GMT 10
Time Heals All Wounds
(A companion story to Ghosts)
by JD
Chapter 28/44
Laying on the grass with his head in his wife's lap, it would have been easy for Luka to surrender himself to sleep. Alenka's gentle stroking of his hair, the warmth of the sun as it kissed his face, the comfortable fullness of lunch. With a sleepy smile he opened his eyes and let them settle on hers.
"Can't sleep?" Alenka returned his smile with her question without stilling her hand.
"If I do we could be here for the rest of the day." His words held a hint of truth amidst the teasing.
"I'm sure the children wouldn't mind." At the mention of the two Alenka pulled her attention from her husband, assuring herself the duo were content in their play.
"What are you thinking about?" His question came quietly as he sensed a change in her manner.
"Nothing really." Alenka returned her focus to him. "No, that's not true...did you expect the trip to be like this?"
Luka shook his head before shifting slightly to make himself more comfortable. "I thought it might be harder for you, I know it was for me the first time I came back." He swallowed before lifting one hand to massage the bridge of his nose as the memory surfaced.
He was aware of his fathers arm around him, aware that without a word having been spoken between them the older man had sensed the potential of his son's collapse. "I can't do this." Luka's voice wavered under the strain of the admission.
"You can and you will." Josip Kovac's voice held a gentle firmness to it. "Luka, you have to find a way to put some of your grief to rest. Just because you lost them doesn't mean your life has to stop."
"It already has." He found his eyes returning to the building that stood fresh and new where, in his eyes, his own life had ended.
"No, you just think it has. You'll see, the pain will grow duller and duller as you move on, one day you'll even find you can go without thinking about what you've lost." As if to emphasize what he was about to saw the man moved to block his son's view of the building. "Luka, there will come a time where you'll be happy again and God willing, you'll find someone else to love as much as you loved Danijela." He shook his head to silence his son's protest before he finished. "I know no one can replace Danijela, or your babies, but you'll find room in your heart for another family if you'll let yourself."
How hard had it been for his father to say those words? At the time he hadn't believed it possible, and he had told the man so with words meant to sting. His father had persisted and over time there were moments when the pain of loss left him. Small moments at first, then minutes, eventually he was allowed the luxury of even an hour. His healing came slowly as he knew Alenka's must have as well and it was those memories he found himself sharing as he lay in that midday sun.
"I wish I would have known your father better, that the children could have known him." Alenka's voice held the disappointment of unfulfilled dreams.
"I know, so do I." Luka lifted his hand so that he could touch his wife's face. I remember how excited he was when he knew Danijela was first pregnant, and later when she was carrying Marko." His voice grew quieter as the long repressed memories surfaced. "He would send small presents in the mail for her, for the children..." He paused as a wave of sadness dared to taunt him.
"He must have spoiled them terribly." Alenka smiled both to his touch and as a response to the turn of the conversation.
Luka nodded as the sadness receded slightly, making room for happier memories. "He did, not with expensive gifts, more like little treats...and when he saw them.." His words trailed off again.
"Like you are now." Alenka offered the comparison.
"I'm not..." He couldn't help but smile as he stopped himself mid-protest. "Well, maybe." He had never seen himself having that in common with his father. "I never realized how similar we were...but maybe it's because I'm more aware now of how fragile the time with them is now."
Alenka found her smile matching his as he spoke. "You're a wonderful father, Luka...I know you always were, never let yourself believe anything else."
Luka wet his lips in preparation of answering. "I think about all the times I missed with them because I was in classes, or working. I think about how differently I would have done things if I had been able to imagine they would be gone..."
"Shh..." Alenka lay her fingertips on his lips to silence him. "You didn't know that though, anymore then I could know that I would lose Neven. You gave them everything you could and you loved them every minute they were alive. You can't blame yourself for what you had to do...you were trying to make a better life for them." As she finished Alenka lowered her head so she could kiss his forehead.. "You were a wonderful father to them, and you're a wonderful father now...never doubt that."
"Tata!" Maja's call ended the conversation and as he heard it Luka sat up, his eyes quickly searching his daughter out. As he caught sight of her and Juraj kneeling nearby he exchanged a puzzled look with Alenka, then rose. The fact that the call was not repeated eased his initial fear that one of the two was injured and replaced it instead with curiosity.
"Do you want to come along?" He extended his hand with the offer, then smiled as Alenka took it.
"The way Juraj is watching whatever it is it's probably some kind of a bug..."
"Hurry, Tata!" Maja's call was repeated though she'd neither moved closer nor farther from where her brother knelt, still intent on whatever had caught his interest despite her concerns.
"We'll soon find out." Luka teased as he led her towards the two children.
to be continued...
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Post by FicWriter on Dec 9, 2008 3:55:39 GMT 10
Time Heals All Wounds
(A companion story to Ghosts)
by JD
Chapter 29/44
"What have you found, Juraj?" As he moved closer to his son, Luka tried to see past where the boy knelt, unsure still what he would find.
At the sound of his father's voice Juraj turned, his face reflecting concern at whatever was on the ground in front of him. "It's a bird, Tata...I think it's hurt, you have to help it."
"Don't touch it." Luka offered the warning before his son could move to touch it. "I'm not sure I can do anything." He made the admission as he knelt to get a closer look at the bird.
"Tata...but you have to help it." Juraj repeated the plea before turning his attention back to the ground in front of him.
The fact that the animal had barely moved said much about it's condition and Luka was sure that death was not far from finding it. As he leaned in for a closer look it's condition became even more obvious. Young, it was barely feathered, and at that observation Luka shifted his attention momentarily around them. "Juraj, Maja...see there?" He pointed upwards to where a bird circled above them. "That must be one of the parents, it's watching to make sure that it's baby is all right.
"Tata, look!" Maja pointed to a second bird eyeing them from a nearby tree.
"What should we do, Tata?" Juraj looked at the second bird then returned his attention to his father with the question.
"I'm going to guess that the baby fell from the nest, that's why it's Mama and Tata are watching it, if we leave it alone they'll take care of it." As he finished speaking Luka looked between his children, watching for their reactions to the suggestion.
"Are you sure?" Maja seemed unconvinced and moved to her mother's side in search of the welcoming arms that immediately took her into them.
"I'm sure, they'll feed it and watch over it." Luka conveniently omitted from his words that they would stay close only until the baby inevitably died.
"It doesn't seem right to just leave it here alone when maybe we could do something for it." Juraj noted seriously. As he watched the boy idly chewed the side of his thumb, yet another habit of his father's that seemed to have found it's way to him.
"I know, Beba, but if we take it what would happen to it?" Luka flicked his eyes between his children with the question, noting that Maja had settled into her mother's arms for comfort.
"You're sure they'll take care of it?" The boy ignored his father's question to offer one of his own.
"If they weren't going to watch out for it they would have left already." As he spoke Luka stood, then offered his hand to his son. "Why don't we go, we can watch from farther away just to make sure."
As Luka stood so did Juraj and as his father extended his hand he used the opportunity to move into his embrace. "We can watch to make sure?" He repeated the words in confirmation.
"Yes." Luka held his son for a moment then kissed him on the top of his head before releasing him with a smile.
The next 45 minutes were spent in near silence watching the family of birds from a short distance away. Almost as soon as the Kovac's had left the baby the parents had flown in to rejoin it and rapid chirps were soon mingling with the other sounds of the park.
"Are you ready to go?" Luka whispered the question in his son's ear as he held the boy on his lap.
"They will take care of it, won't they?"
"Yes...birds are no different then any other parents." Luka let his old tighten before he rested his chin on his son's shoulder, willing to give him as much time as he needed.
"I'm ready then." Juraj turned his head enough to give his father an unexpected kiss. "Thanks, Tata."
"For what?" Luka found himself smiling at both the action and the unexpected gratitude.
"For letting me make sure, and for being my Tata." The boy dropped his gaze with the sentiment expressed.
"You're very welcome, and I wouldn't have things any other way....I love you, Juraj." As he spoke Luka welcomed the boy into his arms only to have his smile deepen as the embrace was returned.
"I love you too, Tata."
to be continued...
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Post by FicWriter on Dec 10, 2008 2:01:01 GMT 10
Time Heals All Wounds
(A companion story to Ghosts)
by JD
Chapter 30/44
Whether it was simply the fatigue of travel catching up to them, or the combination of that and the leftover feelings from the park, it was decided that the balance of the day would be spent in the hotel. After sharing a light supper of thick soup and warm, fresh baked bread, the family now lay in the dim light offered by the flickering television screen and the shadows of approaching darkness.
Times such as these were ones both Luka and Alenka cherished. The comfort of a child curled into their arms, the slow rise and fall of their chests as their breath seemed to merge with each other. All those years they had lived with the void of being without times such as these.
Maja turned onto her side to face her mother, the movie losing her interest as she began to feel the pull towards sleep."Mama?" She spoke softly, her words meant for none but her mother as she fingered a lock of the woman's hair.
"I'm listening, Beba." Alenka coaxed the small girl closer, recognizing the indicators of approaching sleep even as she tightened her hold around her.
"Will we go tomorrow?" The question came still quieter, as if she wasn't sure that she really wanted an answer to it.
"Go?" It took Alenka a moment to register the deeper question and as she did her hold on her small daughter tightened even more. "I'm not sure, how would you feel if we did?" As she waited for the reply, Alenka looked across the room to where Juraj lay curled against his father. While she couldn't be sure they hadn't heard, the fact that both still seemed drawn to the movie reassured her that the conversation remained private.
"I don't know." Maja's indecision came honestly.
"Would it help if I tried to tell you why Tata and I need to do this and why we want you and Juraj to share it with us?" Alenka found her hand rubbing slow circles over the girl's back as she spoke.
"Maybe." She curled the hair she held tighter around her finger with the reply, then released it.
"Tata and I told you how hard it was to lose our families...what things were like after they died, and how hard it was to leave them behind to move to America. You remember that don't you?"
"Yes...Tata said it felt like he lost them twice." He voice remained solemn as they spoke.
"That's right, Beba...it did feel that way. If we had stayed here we could have visited them...we could have spoken to them..."
"But they wouldn't have answered?" Maja's question held a hit of fear that needed quelling.
"No, they couldn't really answer, but when we could talk to them it made it seem like they were still alive, at least on the inside." Alenka spoke carefully, hoping her daughter wouldn't hear the catch in her voice as she let the old feelings surface.
"You could talk to them through God though."
"In a way...but it wasn't the same thing...and Tata was angry with God then..." She wasn't sure how far to take the discussion and paused as she treaded on delicate ground.
"Because Tata blamed God for making them all go with him instead of letting them stay." Maja's words held the truth as she knew it.
"That's right...Tata blamed God for not saving them." Alenka let her line of sight shift past her daughter so she could see her husband before looking back.
"Tata isn't mad at God anymore though." Her words came as a statement seeking confirmation.
"No..not anymore...he understands he did all he could do and that God didn't take them to hurt him."
"Did you get mad at God too, Mama?" Maja let her eyes come firmly to rest on her mother.
"Not really, Beba...I was hurt...but I was glad they were with God if they couldn't be with me...and in a way knowing that made me want to be closer to him too." Alenka found the conversation touching on the deeper emotions of her faith. "By coming back to say good-bye we can both finally put the past to rest...and we want you and Juraj to share that with us."
"Will that mean you and Tata won't be sad when you think about them anymore?"
"I can't promise that, Beba...but I hope so...I really hope so."
to be continued...
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Post by FicWriter on Dec 11, 2008 2:48:34 GMT 10
Time Heals All Wounds
(A companion story to Ghosts)
by JD
Chapter 31/44
He had thought he'd have no trouble sleeping, he'd been wrong. Long after first the children, then Alenka had surrendered to it he had lain beside her in the dark, listening to the sounds of their breathing. If he concentrated he could isolate each from the other, a quiet snore from his son, the quicker breaths of his daughter, and lastly those of his wife. Each sound floated around him like note's to a song, but none so strong as to pull him to where he could join in.
With a soft sigh, Luka pushed the covers aside and carefully dropped his feet to the floor, the worn wood cool against them. He lingered a moment as he was, assuring himself that his actions had not caused anyone else to wake before he rose. As he stood, he brushed his hair back on his face, then swept his eyes over the sleeping forms of his family. Only when he was sure they still slept did he finally move across the room to the window. A gentle breeze nipped at the curtains and he raised the window still higher as he stood in front of it. Was this what he had heard? Was this what had kept him from sleep? The noises were not different from any others...even as he leaned against the windowframe he knew the answer to his unspoken question.
For several moments he remained immobile, his eyes tracing the skyline...it was so different from the nights he'd done the same all those years ago. So different from the images that had been left with Jasna on those nights he had sat with her in his arms when she could not sleep. The nights when the fear of the missiles has left her trembling. So different from those night he had held his wife and wished they were anywhere except Vukovar.
He wiped at the tears, hoping to stop them before they took him completely. They would always be bound to this place he and Alenka...no matter how hard he tried to deny it the truth would always remain. This was the place they had shared lives of love and loss with those who had been taken far too soon.
"Can't sleep?" Alenka's whispered voice interrupted his thoughts before her arms circled his waste. "Are you all right?"
"Yeah.." He answered as quietly as she had spoke, knowing she would see through the lie as he often saw through hers.
"Nice try." She rested her cheek against his back. "What are you thinking about, Luka?" As she spoke she slid her hand over his stomach, a calming gesture meant to soothe him.
"Old memories...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." In response to Alenka's gesture he lay his own hands over her still one.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He was warm, she could feel the heat of his back through the tee shirt he wore as she leaned against him. "Luka?"
"It's so different now, you can almost believe it never happened if you try hard enough. He offered the comment in lieu of answering her question.
"But it did happen...no matter what we want it doesn't change things." Alenka let her hand splay across the flat of his stomach.
"I know." He couldn't quite manage to hide the disappointment in his tone from her as he continued to stare at the night sky as they spoke. How many nights had he done this before? How many nights had he wished and prayed for night free of the shelling while knowing they wouldn't come? "I used to pray...no..beg for this silence...I would have promised almost anything for a night without the sound of the missiles falling."
"So did I...I think we all did, but that was a longtime ago, and it wasn't something you could control." Alenka struggled to reassure her husband while inwardly admitting that she shared the same fears that now plagued him. "Is it always like this when you come back?" She asked the question as Luka turned to her so he could slide his arms around her.
"In the beginning it was." He hesitated, then wet his lips before forcing himself to continue. "The first time...when the plane was due to land...it was as if I had forgotten how to breath. I was so scared of coming back I was hyperventilating. Each time after that it got easier...it was the same though with sleeping. My first time back, at Tatas, I had nightmares every night and he would sit beside my bed, rubbing my forehead in hopes he could make them stop."
Alenka couldn't help but smile at the remembered actions of his father. "Luka, why didn't you say something?" She lifted a hand to touch his cheek, forcing him to see her before she ran her fingers through the hair at his temples.
"Honestly? I guess I didn't expect it to happen. I know this is right...and long overdue." He released a sigh. "Maybe that's it in itself...facing all that happens here and finally putting it all to rest. I should have expected it." He drew his wife closer so he could rest his cheek against her hair as they held each other. "What about you?"
to be continued...
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Post by FicWriter on Dec 12, 2008 4:02:55 GMT 10
Time Heals All Wounds
(A companion story to Ghosts)
by JD
Chapter 32/44
Luka's question was one Alenka knew she should have had an answer to, but for whatever reason she didn't. Granted, had spent more time then she wanted to admit thinking about it, and like Luka, there had been many sleepless nights and still others when the old nightmares had returned. Now? She forced herself to meet his eyes. "I thought that by concentrating on the positive side of being back I could avoid thinking about everything that had happened before I left."
"It doesn't work that way though, does it?" Luka stroked his wife's hair as he held her, his voice quiet in the darkness so as not to wake the children.
"No, as much as I want to tell you it does, I can't." With her words Alenka turned in his arms so she could look out of the window as well. "It's so quiet." It was hard to know if her words were meant for her husband or herself as she whispered them but Luka latched onto them.
"I know...that's what I always notice first." He wrapped his arms around her securely before leaning his cheek against her hair. "Almost every memory I have of being here seems to have the sounds of bombings or someone crying in the background of it."
"You can't be serious?" Alenka failed to withhold her disbelief, how was it possible that he had never shared that with her as they had shared so much of their pasts? "You've never told me this before." She turned so she could see his face in the moonlight, needing to see his face as she sought more understanding.
"I know...I'm sorry...I guess I thought if I didn't think about that part of them, if I only focussed on the actual memory itself it would make things easier." He lifted a hand to rub one eye then brought it to rest on the sill as he looked past her for a moment. "I have to fight to remember what the months before the war were like..."
"Shh, Luka." Alenka silenced him by placing her fingers to his lips before sliding her arms around him. "You have good memories...I know you do...you've shared them with me, with the children." As she reassured her husband Alenka moved her hand in slow circles over his back hoping to soothe him. "Come back to bed, tomorrow's going to be a long day for all of us."
Luka allowed his wife to lead him back totheir bed though he was sure he wouldn't sleep. As she curled into his arms he held her, his fingers toying with a lock of her hair. When she began to softly sing a lullaby he recognized as one she had sung to the children he smiled and without thinking his eyes closed as he let himself be drawn into it as she had known he would.
He came awake slowly...knowing something was missing in the night's sounds but unable to place it. As he rolled over to his stomach and his arm hit the cool sheets instead of his wife the realization hit. Pushing himself up on his arm his eyes went first to the alarm clock on the bedside table and then around the room...he was alone. Pushing the covers aside he sat up and dropped his legs over the side of the bed, giving himself a moment to adjust before standing. "Alenka?" When he received no response he felt the initial panic rise...expecting the worst though he knew it was unnecessary. As he entered the hall he heard the song for the first time and he quietly made his way to the nursery, only to pause in the doorway as he reached it.
She was never more beautiful then in those moments when she was with their child...he was sure of that. He watched silently as she sang to their baby boy in her arms, the song one he had heard another sing to her babies. Standing in the moonlight now he could almost forget the sadness tied to those memories, his heart full enough to ease that pain. When she realized he was watching and turned he smiled. "Do you realize how beautiful you are?" He asked the question softly without really expecting a response.
Alenka smiled at his compliment, then let the song taper off as she continued to rock the baby in her arms. "Would you like to hold your son?"
"I don't want to wake him." Luka had yet to move closer, not wanting to spoil the illusion in front of him.
"You won't." As if knowing he would remain there Alenka approached him instead, extending the sleeping baby towards him in offering. "Take him, Luka."
How could he resist? The sight of the dark lashes against chubby cheeks, the sheen of not yet dry breastmilk on his lips...he reached forward to take him only to cradle Juraj in his arms as Alenka draped an arm around his back before leaning against him. When she began to hum the tune again it was his turn to smile...and he raised his eyes from the baby to her in response. "I love you..." He mouthed the words softly as she continued to hum and was rewarded with a smile from her in return before she paused to return his words.
"I love you too, Luka....more then you can ever imagine."
to be continued...
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Post by FicWriter on Dec 13, 2008 2:15:10 GMT 10
Time Heals All Wounds
(A companion story to Ghosts)
by JD
Chapter 33/44
If she hadn't heard the children getting restless Alenka was sure she could have slept longer to make up for the time she had lost while up with Luka the night before. Careful, so as not to wake her still sleeping husband she eased from under the covers and rose.
"Morning, Mama." Juraj looked away from the television program he was watching, his contribution to keeping his smaller sister occupied until their parents awoke.
"Good morning." Alenka drew the covers back across Luka's shoulder as he turned in his sleep, rolling into the warmth of the mattress she had left behind.
"Morning, Mama." Maja added her greeting to her brother's though slightly delayed as she seemed more caught up by the program then he was.
"Good morning, Beba." Alenka smiled to the two then walked over to where they sat. "What are you watching?"
Juraj found himself shrugging slightly, a gesture he knew his mother was not always thrilled to see. "We missed the beginning...I'm not sure, but it's a cartoon so I thought it would be okay for Maja."
"That's fine, why don't you both start getting dressed, try and be quiet though, I want to let Tata sleep a little longer." Alenka had already started for the closet, and as she reached it she withdrew the dress she had packed for Maja to wear. When she had laid it out on the children's bed she returned to take her own dress out as well. "Maja...time to get dressed now..." She found herself repeating the request as she withdrew the rest of her daughter's clothes from the small dresser.
"But, Mama...I want to watch this..." The small girl's voice held the words longer then necessary as she remained where she was.
"Maja." Alenka let her eyes settle firmly on her daughter. "It's time for you to get dressed and if you wake Tata before you finish..." She left the rest unspoken, the words unneeded as the child had already begun to rise.
"Do I have to wear my church dress?" She fingered the fabric as she reached it, then lifted her eyes to her mother.
"Yes, you do. We talked about this already."
"Yeah...I even have to wear my tie..." Juraj added his words helpfully as he slipped his dress shirt on in place of the t-shirt he had been wearing.
"Juraj...take you clothes in the bathroom to finish would you please." Alenka made the request quietly, knowing that if he persisted the conversation might become louder as Maja continued her protest of the dressier clothes.
"Sure, Mama." Scooping his slacks up, the ten-year old made his way for the bathroom and shut the door behind him as he entered.
"Why can't I wear my jeans?" Maja wasn't giving up and instead of starting to change she wrinkled her nose at the dress her mother had chosen.
"Because I said you were going to wear this." Alenka took a seat on the children's bed and extended her hand to her daughter. "Come here, Beba." Alenka found herself glancing to the other bed to assure herself that Luka hadn't yet woken due to the conversations. Seeing that he now lay fully on his stomach with a pillow pulled tightly to him reassured her and she once more brought her full attention back to their youngest child.
Neither Maja, nor Juraj were the type of children who threw tantrums, which wasn't to say they wouldn't engage in a good argument if they thought they stood a chance of winning. As her mother had sat Maja had known that there was little chance this argument was going to turn out to her benefit and so it was with some reluctance that she walked over and accepted her mother's offer of the seat on her lap.
"What's going on?" Alenka had lowered her voice with the question. "You knew we had picked this dress." She paused to see if her daughter would answer as she settled herself.
"I just don't want to wear it now..." Maja didn't know how to explain that it wasn't really the dress she didn't want to wear, but the meaning behind wearing the dress that she was finding difficult.
"Beba...what is it? You can tell me." Alenka knew her children too well to let the question go and as her daughter's face became more somber and her voice quieter she persisted. "You've never argued about dressing for church before."
"But we're not going to church..." Maja's answered touched on the deeper reason.
"No, we're going to the cemeteries...to see where Tata and my first families are buried." Alenka rubbed her hand across the small girl's back.
"Can't I stay here?" Maja leaned into her mother, letting her head come to rest on the woman's shoulder as the question came.
"I'm sorry, Beba...no. This is something Tata and I want to share with you and Juraj, something we need to do as a family...we talked about this, remember?" As she spoke Alenka continued to rub her back, hoping the gesture would somehow comfort her if words failed.
"Yes..." Maja hesitated, her fears rising again.
"What is it, Beba?" Alenka recognized the apprehension in her wavering response.
"You won't make us stay there too will you?" With the words finally out the small girl buried her face in her mother's shoulder.
"Maja...Beba..no..why would you think that?" Alenka found it next to impossible to conceal her shock and she looked quickly to where Luka slept unaware before forcing her eyes back to her daughter.
Maja was out of words to explain her fears and simply buried her face deeper into her mother's shoulder for comfort.
"Tata and I love you, Beba...what happened to our families before was because of the war, there is no way either of us would leave you." Alenka lifted her daughter so she could fully see her face. "This is so we can say good-bye...something neither of us have been able to really do before." If she had wanted to say more she was stopped by the bathroom door opening again and Juraj's appearance.
Turning to see her brother Maja swallowed the tears that had escaped and looked back at her mother. "Promise?" She asked the question quietly in confirmation.
"I promise, Beba...are you ready to get dressed now?" When she received a nod in response she kissed Maja then released her so she could get down before she rose herself. "Time to get dressed then..." Alenka offered the girl a smile as she gathered both their clothing then glanced to Juraj who had already returned to the television. "Try and keep it low, I'll wake Tata when we're dressed, okay?" She offered him a smile with the question.
"Okay." Juraj flicked his eyes from the show only long enough to respond and then looked back, prompting a deeper smile from his mother. If only it was all that simple...
to be continued...
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Post by FicWriter on Dec 14, 2008 6:53:31 GMT 10
Time Heals All Wounds
(A companion story to Ghosts)
by JD
Chapter 34/44
With everyone dressed and the children growing impatient for breakfast Alenka found herself moving to the bed where Luka had somehow managed to remain asleep. Touching him gently she whispered his name, giving him a moment to register her presence before continuing.
"Luka...time to wake up." She shook his shoulder as she repeated his name a bit louder and was rewarded by a slight stirring under her hand. "That's it." She found herself smiling as he tried to avoid the inevitable by pulling the pillow over his head.
"Not yet..." He mumbled the words in his half consciousness before shifting again.
"I'm afraid so...come on..." She found herself coaxing him gently even as she pulled the pillow off his head and found her action rewarded by the cracking of a bleary eye.
"Still sleeping." He offered the protest as if talking in his sleep was a totally plausible action.
"No, you aren't...now come on, time to shower and get dressed, the children are already finished." She brushed his bangs off his face before continuing. "I gave you an extra half an hour, but now it's time."
"Okay, okay..." He offered the agreement reluctantly before sitting up and offering her a tired smile of his own. "Do you want to go down for breakfast while I get ready?" He punctuated his words with a smothered yawn before wiping his hand across his face.
"I could do that..." Anything else was lost as Maja noticed that her father was now up and she ran to him and threw herself into his arms.
"Tata...morning..." Her greeting came among giggles as she almost knocked him backwards on the bed.
"Why didn't I think of that earlier?" Alenka offered the question amidst her own laugh as she moved to pull his suit from the closet.
"Good morning, Beba...don't you look pretty." He gave the small girl a kiss as he righted himself then glanced to the couch and gave Juraj a smile as well. Good morning to you too."
"Morning, Tata." The boy looked away from his program at the greeting only to return to it as soon as he had answered.
"It looks like I'm the last one to get ready." Luka deposited his daughter on the floor before getting up and stretching.
"Mama said to let you sleep." Majaoffered the explanation helpfully.
"Then I had better get busy hadn't I? I bet you're ready for breakfast already." As he spoke he moved to the dresser where Alenka was pulling the rest of his clothing out. "I could have done that." His words were followed by a light kiss.
"I know, I don't mind though." His kiss had sent the warmth through her that she had grown used to, and when so many marriages seemed unable to stand the test of time, she wondered how she could have been so lucky a second time. Returning his kiss, she passed first the small pile, then the suit hanger to him. "I'll go ahead and take the children down to the diningroom, I'll see you there soon."
"I won't be long..." Luka offered another smile before leaning in for yet another kiss.
"If you keep that up you will be...now go." Alenka pushed him playfully as a signal that he should get moving before stepping out of his reach. Juraj, Maja...ready to go get some breakfast?"
"Pancakes...can I have pancakes?" Maja was dancing around her mother as soon as the question was asked and Luka found himself shaking his head in amusement as he watched her.
"She has way too much energy first thing in the morning."
"You're just getting old." Alenka found it easy to tease him, her concerns about what the day would bring residing somewhere in the back of her thoughts for the moment.
"I am not getting that old." Luka found his protest drowned out by Maja's laugh before she began chanting as she bounced around the room.
"Tata's getting old...Tata's getting old..." Maja darted outside her father's reach as she continued the teasing her mother had begun.
"No fair ganging up on me." Luka found his mood lightening without realizing it and deep inside he knew that had been Alenka's intention all along.
"I don't think you're that old, Tata." Juraj offered his support to his father from where he sat.
"Thanks, Juraj..." He cocked an eyebrow as the words registered. "That old?" Luka deposited his clothing on the bed as he looked between the three, then faked a frown of displeasure which only seemed to send them into yet another burst of laughter. "All right, I can see where this is going, I'm going to go get ready before you start telling me next that I'm going bald."
"Somehow I don't see that as a problem." Alenka moved to him again only to brush his thick bangs back off his face again. "Gray maybe." She fingered the telling gray at his temple. "You don't have to worry though, I'll still love you." With that she pulled his head to her so she could brush his lips lightly before releasing him. "Go take your shower...we'll meet you downstairs."
to be continued...
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Post by FicWriter on Dec 15, 2008 3:07:51 GMT 10
Time Heals All Wounds
(A companion story to Ghosts)
by JD
Chapter 35/44
There had been no discussion over which cemetery they would visit first, but Luka had always known. If he was to be strong for Alenka there had never really been a choice. Standing now before the gates of the Catholic cemetery he slid his arm around her, his strength hers without a word being spoken between them.
As if sensing the gravity of the moment Juraj moved to his sister's side, then leaned his dark head to hers as he whispered. After a quick glance to their parents Maja took her brother's hand before returning his quiet smile of reassurance.
That both children understood the power of the moment said much for their upbringing. There had been no secrets behind their parents past with the exception of perhaps a softening of the violence they had witnessed. The importance of those that had been lost had never been sacrificed and it was that which influenced their actions now.
"Ready?" Luka spoke the word quietly as he allowed his wife the time she needed to fortify herself for what was still to come.
When her response came it was with a simple nod, the words she might have wanted to express frozen behind the lump in her throat. As she stared at the weathered gates her fear only seemed to worsen and she found herself doubting the very decisions that had brought them home again.
"I'll be right here with you." Luka's words seemed to come from somewhere far away and until he had spoke she had forgotten he and the children were even there. How could she have done that? She forced herself to draw a steadying breath as she felt his arms tighten around her.
"I'm not sure I can do this." Even as she leaned into the security his embrace offered Alenka found herself having to fight the stronger desire to run. She didn't have to do this. She had a loving husband...wonderful children...a life many could only dream of. She could continue living the way she had lived for the last fifteen years and know that Luka and her children would support her decision. Her eyes moved to Juraj and Maja and she found her resistance strengthening as she saw what she could only guess was fear in their eyes. How could she do this to them?
"Yes, you can." Luka's words came even softer then those he had last spoke, meant for no other ears besides her own. "You're strong, Alenka...stronger then me...you always have been." As he continued Luka lifted his hand so that he could brush his fingers through her thick, black hair. "Look at all you've been through, what we've been through." His words might very well been ones directed at himself. "It's time to let them go." He couldn't prevent the catch in his voice that the sentiments revealed and the deeper truth that he was encouraging her to do the very thing he was so afraid of doing himself. "It's time to let them go." He repeated the words softer still, his lips almost touching her ear as he spoke.
Her cheeks were wet as she turned into him and as he tightened his hold on her she buried her face in his chest, welcoming the comfort of his embrace. "It hurts so much." Alenka's own words came amidst tears that she was unable to stop.
"I know, I know..." He found himself repeating the words over and over until her tears eased and she lifted a hand to brush the traces of them from her cheeks.
"Don't be sad, Mama." Maja had freed herself of her brother's hold and moved to where her parents stood, her concern clearly etched on her face. "Maybe Damir and Danijela are a family like you and Tata are..."
Alenka couldn't help but smile at the small girl's reasoning and freeing herself from Luka's arms she scooped her daughter into her own. "That would be nice, Bebe...maybe you're right..." She found herself welcoming the simplicity of the suggestion, grasping onto it as if that would make it a reality in her mind. "Thank you, Bebe." She found her mood lightened as the words continued to take root and she gave her daughter a kiss before setting her on the ground again.
Exchanging glances with first Juraj, then Luka she gave a simple nod in answer to their unasked question before taking Maja's hand then reaching for her husbands. "I'm ready..." And as the words left her mouth she knew finally that they held nothing but truth within them.
to be continued...
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Post by FicWriter on Dec 16, 2008 1:47:48 GMT 10
Time Heals All Wounds
(A companion story to Ghosts)
by JD
Chapter 36/44
As they neared the headstone Alenka stopped and without a word exchanged between them Luka knew her first reunion with those held beneath it was something she had to do alone. Dropping back, he stopped as well before speaking.
"Maja, come here, Beba." He squeezed his wife's hand to reassure her of his closeness before releasing it only to have it immediately reclaimed by his daughter.
Alenka stood motionless through the exchange, her eyes growing distant. There was no way for Luka to know if she heard or noticed his actions and he felt helpless knowing that what happened now was beyond his control.
"Damir..." She whispered her first love's name as she approached the simple stone marker, blank save the names and dates of those it sheltered. As she reached it she found herself sinking to her knees, tears she had fought to control overflowing.
"Mama!" Juraj's cry broke the silence.
"No, Juraj!" Luka released Maja only long enough to catch his son before he could run to his mother. "She needs to do this." He wrapped one arm around the ten year old securely before dropping to one knee beside him.
"Tata?" The boy found himself torn between his mother's obvious distress and obeying his father. As Luka tightened both arms around him his son's decision was taken away from him. Even without the choice the weight of it remained and unable to watch the pain his mother was going through Juraj turned into his father's hold before burying his face in his shoulder.
"It's all right, Beba." Luka comforted his son as best he could, while at the same time freeing a hand so he could motion Maja closer as well. He'd known this was going to be hard for he and Alenka, but he had never imagined the effect it would have on the children, neither of them had. He welcomed his daughter into the small circle of comfort, holding her as tightly as he held his son, before moving his eyes to his wife.
While Luka tended to the children, Alenka's thoughts had returned to her past, remembering things she had pushed from her thoughts so many years ago. She stretched her fingers out so she could trace the names etched in the rough stone, and as she did the sounds of Luka's words of comfort faded.
It had been cold that day...so cold she was sure her tears would freeze on her cheeks. They were holding her upright, her legs seemed no longer able to support her. They were afraid for her...she knew that, afraid that if they released her she would throw herself into the grave as well. She had told them she wanted to be with her husband and son, she had begged them to kill her as well, but they had refused and she wondered if she would ever feel anything but the grief that had since claimed her.
"Damir! Neven!" She screamed their names over and over until her voice faded to nothingness from the strain, and still they held her, why couldn't they leave her to die with her husband and son...why force her to endure the loss when she wanted nothing more then to be buried with them?
She could feel their hands on her, feel them trying to console her, but to what end? Nothing they could do or say would bring her family back...she knew then to that the Priest had come to her, asking her to trust in God, asking her to understand his plan. His plan? His plan? She remembered screaming at him...screaming that no just God would ask this great of a sacrifice.
But he had asked this of her, asked her to be strong, asked her to trust in his wisdom, and in the end she had, it had been the only thing she could hold onto. In the end that had been her strength, her survival.
Alenka found herself returning to the present, returning to the sound of Luka as he continued to try and comfort their children. Luka, the one who had led her from the darkness, who had given her back the gift of motherhood, who had reminded her that she could once more feel love, and give love. Brushing her tears from her face she turned to him and smiled, recognizing the look of fear on his face as one she knew too well herself.
As she rose his eyes followed her and she could tell he was holding his own tears back for her, his arms still holding their children in his embrace. As she neared him she saw him kiss each dark head in turn before releasing them so he could stand and in that next moment he was to her, the arms she had grown to know so well wrapped firmly around her.
"Thank you, Luka..." She whispered the words to him as she buried her face into his shoulder.
"For what?" Luka tightened his hold on her, drawing her to him before he rested his cheek against her hair.
"For saving me...reminding me I was alive...for letting me know the joys of being a mother again..." She found herself whispering the words in his ear, sharing the moment of intimacy even with the children watching. She brushed her fingers over his face, following the lines she knew so well. "I love you, Luka."
"You don't have to thank me.." He found himself able to smile even as he felt the tears well, all she thanked him for he owed to her...all those things he thought he would never again know. "I love you too." His lips found hers and after they shared a lingering kiss he released her so she could sweep her waiting children into her arms. The worst was over for her, if only he could be sure the same were true for him.
to be continued...
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Post by FicWriter on Dec 17, 2008 8:26:26 GMT 10
Time Heals All Wounds
(A companion story to Ghosts)
by JD
Chapter 37/44
Their entire trip had been based around it being a time of healing for Luka and Alenka, yes, but for them as a family as well. For their entire lives Juraj and Maja had lived with the ghosts of their parent's pasts, and now, for the first time, they could openly confront them.
As a family they spent the next hour graveside, both Luka and Alenka sitting with their arms protectively around a child, offering comfort and security as they spoke of their early lives Their conversation held little back except the more graphic details of how Damir and Neven had met their deaths. For Luka his time would come as they sat with his family, for now it was Alenka's turn. Perhaps most importantly, among the sadness, Alenka found a way to share the happier times with the children. Her joy at marrying Damir, the excitement of learning she was to be a mother, the birth of her son.
Maja leaned back against her mother as the woman spoke, the fears she had felt earlier all but forgotten as she drew strength from her embrace. There was no jealousy to the feelings, for as long as she could remember those she spoke of had been part of her life as they had her parents. She understood they had died, understood that the feelings her parents felt to them would always remain strong, but even more, she understood there was room for all of them in her parent's hearts.
For Juraj it was harder, older, he heard the catches in his mother's words, noticed the things she left unsaid among the sentences that trailed off into nothingness. Even with that knowledge, sitting there surrounded by his Father's arms, he too felt his fears subsiding. This was his Mother's past, the things that had shaped her into the woman he knew and loved. He leaned back against Luka while his dark eyes read his Mother's features as she spoke, the memory she was sharing written as clearly on her face as in her words.
"It wasn't safe to spend a lot of time outside, but Neven rarely complained, he'd play with friends from the building in the hallways..." Alenka spoke softly, her eyes drifting to Luka with the telling.
"It was that way for Jasna as well, Marko too, but not so much, he was so young," Luka was surprised at how easily the memory surfaced.
"Didn't they ever get to play outside?" Juraj struggled to understand how different it must have been.
"Sometimes, Beba, before the war, but then it became too dangerous."
"How could they play ball? Juraj's priorities reflected those of his age and it was Luka who offered the reply to his question.
"They just played different games, Beba. We lived in apartments and the halls were long enough to run in."
"I wouldn't have liked that," He wrinkled his nose with the words, prompting a slight laugh from Alenka.
"Juraj," Luka waited until his son had turned to fully look at him, only to have whatever he had intended to say interrupted by his wife.
"Neven still found ways to play ball..I remember the sound of it hitting the walls when he would bounce it off of them in the hallway.
Nodding to Alenka's words, Luka continued. "You know how it is when it's been raining for several days in a row, or how sometimes in the winter it's just too cold to play outside?"
"Yeah," Juraj reluctantly acknowledged the comparison.
"You may not like it, but you find things to do inside, right?"
"Yeah..." Catching the drift of where his father was heading, Juraj smiled. "So, it's was like that just longer."
"Right. You'd be surprised, but after a while you don't mind as much because that's just the way it is."
"I still don''t think I'd like it," The finality of answer caused both of his parents to grow silent but as he once more leaned fully back against his father he felt the man's arms tighten around him again.
"Maja?" Alenka found her daughter's silence disturbing and she struggled to encourage the girl to express those things that were going through her head. "What about you?" When Maja simply shook her head and toyed with the bracelet on her wrist, Alenka began to worry that perhaps she was too young to have been put through the strain of the trip. "Maja...what is it, Beba?"
"Nothing," The reply came without a raising of her eyes and signaled unspoken concerns to both of her parents.
"Maja...whatever it is, you can talk about it," It was Luka who offered the encouragement this time, though Alenka continued to be the one to hold her.
Her silence stretched on for several minutes as Luka and Alenka exchanged glances, when she finally spoke it was obvious that her concerns went far deeper then play. "Why did God let them die? Isn't he supposed to take care of us?"
"Beba..." Both of her parents responded at the same time before Luka indicated that his wife should be the one to continue.
"God didn't let them die, Beba...it was a war."
"But why didn't God stop it? Maja turned to face her mother with the question.
"It doesn't work that way, Beba...God gives people choices and sometimes they make the wrong ones"
"But isn't God supposed to protect us?"
"Yes, but sometimes ..." Alenka found herself struggling for a means to explain the unexplainable and she looked at Luka helplessly.
"Sometimes, Beba, God decides it's time for someone to go live with him." Luka's explanation sounded weak even to his own ears.
"In heaven?" Maja turned so she could look at her father.
"Yes, Beba, in heaven."
"I don't want to go to heaven, I want to stay here." There was a note of finality in the small girl's words.
"You don't have to go, Beba, not now....not for a longtime." Alenka voiced her husband's feelings for him before pulling her daughter closer so she could kiss her, then released a sigh as she looked to Luka. Was this the worst of it? Her eyes asked the question and as if he understood his shoulders raised then lowered in a shrug that caused her to smile. Something in his expression gave her peace and she knew that in that simple gesture he'd managed to take most of her fear from her as they had taken it from their children.
The purpose of the trip had been to heal and that moment had confirmed the worth of it at least to her, she could only hope it would do the same for Luka as they bid his good-byes as well.
to be continued...
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Post by FicWriter on Dec 17, 2008 15:49:36 GMT 10
Time Heals All Wounds
(A companion story to Ghosts)
by JD
Chapter 38/44
"We should go soon." It was Alenka whose voice broke the silence that had settled over the family, as Luka nodded his agreement she offered a slight smile before shifting her gaze to the two children. "I would imagine you're both getting hungry."
"I am." Maja piped in immediately and her response was followed by a nod from her brother that almost mirrored the one his father had just given.
"Me too." He wet his lips as he framed what he needed to say next. "Tata? Are we going to go to the other cemetery after lunch?"
Luka glanced quickly to Alenka, noting her still red eyes and fatigue from the stress the visit had caused her. "Tomorrow I think, Beba. I was thinking maybe we could do some sightseeing after we eat instead."
"Can we go back to the park?" Maja climbed off of her mother's lap so she could move over to drape herself across her father's back. "Please, Tata?"
Luka found the smile coming naturally with her actions. "It's up to Mama."
Wrapping her arms around his neck Maja deposited a kiss before releasing her hold and returning to her mother.
"Man." Juraj's comment came followed by a gentle cuffing from his father.
"Be nice."
"I am, I was just teasing her." Even with the admonishment the boy seemed unbothered by it and remained where he was sitting.
"I know what you were doing."
Ignoring her brother Maja set her sights on her mother instead. "Can we, Mama?"
"Can we, Mama, what?" Alenka asked the question knowing full well what her daughter meant.
"Can we go back to the park after we eat?"
What does your brother want to do?" Alenka asked as she shot a smile to her son.
Not about to allow the question to dampen her enthusiasm, Maja looked towards Luka and Juraj. "Say you want to go too, Juraj."
There was that momentary flash of devilishness in the boy's eyes. Any other day, any other place, and he might have taken advantage of it, instead he simply nodded. "Yeah, that's okay."
"The park it is then, but only after we get something to eat."
The resiliency of children was something Luka and Alenka knew from firsthand experience. They had been unable to deny it's presence in the children they had buried and that these two shared the trait with their earlier siblings was something that shouldn't have surprised them. Why then did it? They had never hidden the circumstances of their pasts, they had never strayed from the truth except to cover the more gruesome details, but that fact remained both Juraj and Maja had led lives sheltered from the violence and restrictions that those long dead had lived with on a daily basis.
Sitting now in the park, they watched the two as they played among the other children. Who would know to look at them that they weren't Croatian born? If not for the snippets of English in their conversations they could be like any of those among them.
"Any regrets?" Luka asked the question quietly as a means of interrupting the direction his own thoughts were leading him.
"No, no regrets." Alenka took his hand in hers. "I thought it would be worse then it was. In my mind I had imagined all these scenarios of what it would be like, how I would feel, how it would affect you and the children. Funny thing is, all of the things I imagined were far worse then what it was actually like.
She squeezed his hand before cupping her other around them both. "It wasn't anything like what I expected. I thought I'd feel more anger, but it wasn't there. I had prepared myself to feel guilty about being here with you. I was sure I would feel like I had somehow betrayed them for having married again."
"Did you?" Luka's question came despite his inner fears at the possible answer.
"No, in a way I think I felt relieved. Coming here, seeing the graves again, in a way it was a confirmation of how right marrying you was. I know now that Damir would never have wanted me to stop living because he wasn't here, and in a way I know that Danijela would have felt the same for you."
"How could you know that?" Luka forced himself not to draw back at the suggestion.
"Because, Luka, she loved you, and I know if I had loved you and was meant to leave you I couldn't stand knowing you would never again share your love with someone else. I know that's what Damir would feel, and I know Danijela loved you enough to want that for you to."
There was nothing more to say so instead Luka leaned to her, letting his lips find hers for a lingering kiss. "I knew there was a reason I married you." He slid his arms around her as he let the kiss deepen. "I love you, you know that, right?"
Alenka laughed and returned his kisses. "Yes, I know...for ever and always..." Their love was with them as their pasts were, as much a part of who they were as the color of their eyes or the sound of their voices. It had taken her time to learn that, time to heal, and soon Luka would know the same...
to be continued...
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Post by FicWriter on Dec 18, 2008 17:39:31 GMT 10
Time Heals All Wounds
(A companion story to Ghosts)
by JD
Chapter 39/44
"Tata....Tata, where are you?" The small girl's voice pierced the darkness, the words shaky with fear. At the sound of an explosion nearby he heard her scream, followed quickly by the cries of his son as he was jolted awake as well. There was no need to wake his wife, Danijela was tuned to each sound of the children in the small rooms they shared and as he rose she did as well.
"Take Jasna..." She was already moving for the wailing boy as he stood gripping the railings of his crib. "It's all right, Beba...Mama is here."
"Tata...make them stop!" Jasna released a second scream as another shell fell too close and Luka grabbed a blanket from the bed to wrap her in on his way to her.
"We need to go to the shelter..." He tossed the words back to his wife as he picked his daughter up.
"I know..." Her words were silenced by yet another explosion and Jasna's repeated screams of fear.
"Make them stop...." She tightened her hold around his neck as if he could somehow protect her from the mortars outside.
"Go...we have to get the children to the shelter." He grabbed the small bag that held their emergency rations and slung it over one shoulder as he moved for the door.
The dream was real enough that Luka's last words came out loud and as he did Alenka woke..."Luka...shh..it's only a dream." She smoothed his damp hair from his face as she tried to quiet him.
"Mama? Is Tata okay?" Juraj was already sitting up in bed and she knew Maja would soon follow.
"It's just a dream, Beba...would you keep Maja there for me?" Alenka waited for his nod before she went back to comforting her husband. He was deep in the dream, she knew the signs of it, the fear on his face, the racing of his heart. "Shh...Luka...listen to me..it's not real..it's just a dream." His eyes were open now..but she wasn't sure he was seeing her. and she could do little but continue to stroke his hair and offer the words of comfort until he fully woke.
"We have to get the children to the shelter..we have to get them where it's safe." His words were enough to confirm that he was still lost in his past and Alenka pulled his head onto her lap before leaning in so she could whisper to him.
"The children are safe, Luka...it's not real...it's just a dream." She smoothed her hand across his brow. "They're safe, Luka...safe."
"Safe?" Her words seemed to be reaching him and she smiled to herself before continuing.
"Yes, Luka, safe...that was a long time ago...it's safe here now." She raised her eyes so she could look over to the other bed in the dim light and she saw that Juraj had wrapped his arms around his younger sister though both still had their eyes glued to their parents.
"Juraj..can you go get me a glass of water and a wet washcloth?
"Sure, Mama, Maja...you stay here..I'll be right back." He released his sister before scrambling off the bed, and for once there was no argument from the small girl. That both children understood what was happening didn't take away their fear at witnessing it, but it did allow them to accept that the parent experiencing the dream was the one who was the focus of attention. They had witnessed these dreams in varying degrees their entire lives and though their fear at seeing them was real they accepted that nothing they might do could stop them.
"Here, Mama..." Juraj returned from the bathroom with a water logged washcloth and a glass of tap water.
"Thanks, Beba...would you go sit with Maja again for me?" As she spoke to her son Alenka rocked slowly, her action meant to soothe Luka, sitting the glass aside for a moment she wiped the sweat from his face then draped the cloth on his forehead before reaching for the water again. "Take a sip for me, Luka."
Even as he drank Alenka couldn't be sure Luka was fully with her and as he lay back again and closed his eyes she decided it would be best to let him sleep through. "It's okay, Beba...it's just a dream...it's not real." How many times had she offered those words to him and he to her?
"Mama?" It was Maja's voice that broke the sudden quiet and Alenka looked over to her.
"Yes, Beba."
"Tata hasn't had a bad dream in a longtime..." She continued to allow her brother to hold her though her eyes were fully on her father.
"I know...I think he's just little nervous about going to the graves tomorrow...he'll be all right, why don't you two try and go back to sleep, tomorrow's going to be busy.
"Okay, Mama...come on, Maja..I'll hold you until you fall asleep again." Juraj coaxed his baby sister to lay back down before laying beside her and sliding his arms around her. "He'll be okay in the morning, Maja, you'll see..." He smoothed her hair back before tightening his arms around her again and in the darkness he heard his mother begin the lullaby that had soothed first him and then Maja when the dreams had woken them. The only difference now was that it wasn't one of them she sang the song for, it was their father she held...
to be continued...
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Post by FicWriter on Dec 21, 2008 3:58:07 GMT 10
Time Heals All Wounds
(A companion story to Ghosts)
by JD
Chapter 40/44
"Luka, time to wake up." Alenka had hesitated on waking her husband, weighing the anxiousness of the children to be going with his need to recover from the previous night's dreams. That she had been able to let him sleep as long as she had was a tribute to the children themselves and their understanding of all their parents went through. "Luka, come on...time to get up." Alenka smoothed her husband's still damp bangs, letting her fingers linger a moment on his forehead before she pushed them aside.
A soft groan of protest preceded a fluttering of his eyelids at her actions, but otherwise he remained still, unable or unwilling to join those awake.
"That's it, Beba...time to wake up." Her voice remained gentle as she coaxed him closer to consciousness, her own experience guiding the pace at which she roused him. "Good morning." She offered the greeting as he fully opened his eyes even though a full sense of awareness did not quite seem to fill them.
"Morning." His own greeting came roughly and she reached for the glass of water that still sat on the bedstand next to them.
"Take your time." She offered the warning as she held the glass to his lips, allowing only a couple swallows before she withdrew it and returned it to the table. "Do you need to talk about it?" That she chose need over want, again told much about their relationship. Neither wanted to talk of their fears or the horrors that sometimes played out in their dreams, for years before their marriage they had simply closed them away, but no more. No longer was there the need to pretend that the dreams and nightmares didn't appear, between them they both understood that there was no judgment to be found in the telling no matter how grievous they were, here they would find only understanding and release.
"The children?" Luka's voice remained quiet, still shrouded in the vestiges of interrupted sleep, as his eyes flicked across the room then back to his wife.
"Are watching television, they're fine, but if you need to talk Juraj can take Maja down for breakfast." Alenka smoothed his hair back as she spoke, the action as calming as the tone of her voice. Reading her husband, she knew that even with the question he still clung to the fringes of sleep and it would take little on his part to ease back down into it.
"Can do it later." His reply came mumbled as his eyes drooped closed then opened again.
"No, Luka, not later...sit up for me now." At her request she slid a hand under his back and coaxed him to comply.
"Could come back to bed with me..." His offer brought a smile to her and she leaned over to kiss him in response.
"Now, who's forgetting the children?'
Amidst a yawn he shook his head before rubbing his hand over his face in an attempt to fully rouse himself.
"Now...should I have Juraj take Maja downstairs so we can talk about it?" At the question she tilted her head slightly, the action reflecting her attempt to read him.
"Alenka.."
"Luka...which way?"
"Tata's awake!" Maja seemed to sense that the discussion was near closure and seeing that her father was no longer lying down she scrambled to her feet only to run across the room and dive on the bed, nearly toppling him backwards. "Are you better now, Tata?"
"Yeah, Beba...just a bad dream is all." Luka squeezed his daughter tightly before kissing her.
"You haven't had a bad one like that in a long time...I don't like it when you do." Maja settled beside her father seemingly oblivious to the eye signals her mother was sending her way.
"I don't like them either, Beba...but sometimes they come anyway. I'm sorry if it scared you."
"I wasn't scared...well, not too much..." The small girl lay her head on his shoulder with the admission, then began to finger the hair at the nape of his neck. "Tata...will you have them every night now?"
"I hope not, Beba...I think I'm just a little scared about today...it's been a lot of years since I've been to see the graves. I think once we go they'll go away again though."
Alenka found herself aware that Juraj had moved closer to the bed with the turn of the conversation and she opened her arm to invite him closer. "This is something that both Tata and I needed to do...you both understand that right?"
"Yeah." The boy's answer came almost too quickly.
"You said good-bye before though." Maja looked between her parents with the statement.
"It was different then, Beba...Mama and I were hurting too much for it to help us then. We didn't want to say good-bye." Luka looked to Alenkafor confirmation that her feelings were the same as his had been before continuing. "It's different now, we have each other and we have the two of you, we know that they're safe in heaven and we can finally let them go."
"Because God is taking came of them for you." Maja's summary carried the simplicity of her youth and caused both of her parents to smile in response.
"Yes, Beba, because God is taking care of them."
to be continued...
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Post by FicWriter on Dec 22, 2008 3:40:16 GMT 10
Time Heals All Wounds
(A companion story to Ghosts)
by JD
Chapter 41/44
Luka had hoped that talking about his concerns would be enough to ease them, but that wasn't to be the case, he needed time to himself, time to come to terms with things too deep yet to identify. Sensing that need, Alenka had taken the children to breakfast with the explanation that he needed time to shower and dress and there was no reason the rest of them should wait. With the departure of the children came the silence and Luka wasn't convinced that was a good thing.
Leaning back against the headboard he let his eyes close. He needed to relax, to let the panic subside...this didn't have to be that hard. He had seen the benefit it had been to Alenka, why should it be any different for him.
"Because she wasn't responsible for the death of her family."
The voice came suddenly and loud enough in his ears that he jerked upright as if expecting someone to be standing over him.
Was that it? Was his fear that he still blamed himself for their deaths? After all these years did he still hold himself responsible for their not leaving the city while it was still safe? Was he to blame for not letting them go with him to the market? For making the wrong choice when he was looking towards what was the safest thing for them to do? Did he still blame himself for not taking Danijela to the hospital? For not being willing to sacrifice his daughter to save his wife? Then finally for becoming too tired to continue giving Jasna life? Or was it something deeper? Was it possible that his guilt lie in his not having the strength at the time to join them in death?
"No!" He brought his hands up to cover his ears as if that might somehow stop the voices in his head. "I did what I thought was right..I did all I could." He voiced the words out loud as if it mattered...as if that might somehow silence the lingering doubts.
"Did you?" The voice surfaced again, raising the questions tied to the two simple words. "You thought it was right to choose school over your family's safety? You thought it was right to remain in a city where shellings were a regular occurrence? You thought it was right to allow your wife and children to remain where it wasn't safe so you could continue your classes? What made that more important than their lives?"
"It wasn't like that." Luka rose suddenly, unable to stop himself from searching the room for his interrogator. "Danijela refused to leave...we didn't expect things to get bad so quickly." He found himself clenching his fists so tightly that his nails dug into his palms, the pain acting as an anchor to the reality that he felt he was loosing hold of.
"Wasn't it? How was it different?" The questions continued and he clamped his hands over his ears again as he sank to his knees, willing the voice to stop.
"We talked about it...Danijela didn't want to raise the children alone....I didn't want to be away from them." He admitted the deeper truth as an afterthought.
"So because you didn't want to be alone you were willing to let them all die? You were willing to risk their safety to make yourself feel better?"
"No...we didn't think things would become like they got...and then it was too late." Luka found himself doubling over as the guilt swelled, all the points he had thought he had come to terms with as fresh as the day his family had died.
"But not too late for you...you survived...you were always the one to survive. The deaths of your family...the attack on the hospital...the camp. You were always the survivor, what made you deserve life more then the others?"
"I don't know...nothing." His words came choked with tears, the questions bringing all of his past grief and guilt to the surface. "I didn't deserve life any more then anyone else..it just happened that way."
"Just happened that way? Are you saying it was beyond your control?"
"Yes....I couldn't do anything to prevent it." As soon as the words left his mouth Luka sat up, his cheeks wet with shed tears. That was the deepest truth...he hadn't been able to prevent any of it...he could pretend he somehow held the key to everyone's survival but the truth remained that he never had. All of the pain, all of the death, he could have done nothing to prevent it anymore then he could have known it was going to happen in the first place. That was the ultimate truth wasn't it? The truth he had never wanted to see even after so many years. He couldn't see into the future, all he could do was live each day to it's fullest, to take things as they came and hope for the best. He couldn't prevent what happened to his family anymore then he could prevent the sun rising or setting...it was part of life and all he could do was choose to live each day to the fullest.
Drawing a steadying breath he wiped the tears from his face and looked towards the door. He had a family here, a family he loved more then words could express. Did that love make what he felt for Danijela and their children any weaker? No...his love for her, for Jasna, for Marko would always be just as strong, but it was time for him to say good-bye...to let them finally rest after far too many years of holding them back. With a sigh he rose...his family was waiting for him...and at last he was ready to join them.
to be continued...
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Post by FicWriter on Dec 23, 2008 3:28:29 GMT 10
Time Heals All Wounds
(A companion story to Ghosts)
by JD
Chapter 42/44
So they were here...or almost. Luka stopped as he caught sight of the iron gates that framed the cemetery...shivering slightly against the cold chill that seemed to crawl up his spine.
"Tata?" It was Maja's voice who kept his thoughts in the present and he looked down at his small daughter.
"I'm okay, Beba." He leaned down to pick her up as she released his hand and motioned her desire for him to do just that.
"Are you sure?" She swept her dark eyes over his face, looking for the signs that might tell her otherwise.
"Just a little nervous I guess." Luka managed a small smile at her before directing his glance to his wife and son.
"It'll be all right...you'll see." It was Alenka who offered the words of reassurance with a smile of her own.
"I know...it's just hard." He resettled Maja on his hip as he looked back to the gates."
"I know..." Alenka moved closer so she could touch his arm. "Luka, trust me...once you do this..." She leaned against him slightly..."It changes everything."
With her words Luka felt some of his hesitation fade and without thought he let his head rest against hers, drawing strength from more then her words. For the next several moments time seemed to stop...the sounds of the street faded and nothing seemed to exist but Alenka and the children. They were his strength and he welcomed it to him. Standing there with his daughter in his arms, his wife and son at his side, he felt complete.
"Are we going to go in now, Tata?" Maja's words came a moment after he felt the touch of her fingers on the back of his neck.
"Yeah, Beba, we're going to go in now." He glanced to first Alenka and then Juraj, giving each a small smile before looking back at the girl in his arms. "Do you want to walk?"
In lieu of a response Maja instead wrapped her arms around his neck before resting her head on his shoulder.
"I'll take that as a no." Luka shifted her again to make her more comfortable as they began to walk towards the gates.
"Tata...is it very different?" Juraj had remained uncharacteristically quiet so his question caught Luka unprepared.
"Is what very different, Juraj."
"The cemetery, from how it was before." The boy had moved to his father's side as they walked, content to show his support in physical closeness.
"Yeah...it's very different..." Luka had no trouble remembering the day he had laid his family to rest and the images surfaced immediately.
Cold..that was the strongest memory...the snow which seemed to have been falling for days...the tears that froze like icicles to his cheeks and lashes...the numbness. Yes, the numbness...how long had it been since he had felt anything? How long since he had slept..or ate? How long since he had felt anything but the grief of loss which in turn left him numb." He forced the memory down as they entered the grounds and paused.
"Where to now, Tata?" Juraj followed his Father's gaze then returned his eyes to him.
"I'm not sure...we should probably ask someone." Luka found himself looking at the area as if seeing it for the first time.
Catching his reaction Alenka moved to his side. "It's been a lot of years, Luka, it's bound to have changed..they should have a map..we just need to find out where the graves are."
"I can do it, Mama." Juraj made the offer quickly then at her nod headed to a small building off to one side of the gates.
"Do you want me to take her?" Alenka made the offer as she saw that Maja had fallen asleep on her Father's shoulder..
"No..I have her..." He had to smile as he saw the peacefulness on the small girl's face. "Jasna used to do this...ask me to hold her then fall asleep." He raised a hand to finger a strand of hair that had come loose from Maja's braid.
"Neven too...I used to think he could fall asleep anywhere." Alenka smiled as the memory of her son surfaced.
"I have it..." Juraj's voice interrupted their conversation and both parents turned to watch his approach. "They drew me a map..." He waved the paper in his hand then glanced at it before looking at them again. "We have to go this way..." He pointed down a small cobbled path before striking off in that direction.
"I guess we follow then." Alenka looked to her son then back to Luka.
"I guess we do." Luka offered his wife a smile then extended his hand to her. "We had better catch up with him then before we lose him."
to be continued...
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