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Healing
Jan 9, 2009 16:36:44 GMT 10
Post by FicWriter on Jan 9, 2009 16:36:44 GMT 10
Healing
(A follow-up to the Congo arc, this story interweaves with the actually aired episodes.)
Chapter 16/30
by JD
"Can you tell me about it, Luka?" Sensing that they were entering another sensitive topic Dr. Johannesson, went back to gentle coaxing to ease Luka into it. "Why did you think you shouldn't be at work?"
"There'd been a Christmas party, I shouldn't have even gone, but I did, and I drank too much...said some stupid things...I wasn't supposed to work the next day...it should have been okay." His tone became more defensive the longer he spoke.
"It's all right...take your time." The doctor allowed himself to interrupt with the quiet reassurance.
"I was too drunk to drive, Erin offered to take me home, and I let her."
"Who's Erin, Luka?" He filed the new name away for reference.
"She's a med student, was a med student...nothing happened with her, but I think I tried."
"How does that make you feel?" Johannesson kept his eyes firmly on Luka, watching the nervousness in his actions.
"Disgusted with myself...she was only trying to help me and I tried to get her into bed." He rubbed wearily at his eyes with his fingertips .
"Why do you think you did that?" Gently, he reminded himself, he was walking the tightrope again, and he would have to move slowly if he was going to keep the man talking.
"I don't know." It was an easy way out, even he knew it as he spoke the words.
"I think you do know, Luka, it's the same reason you kept going back to the other women, what was it?" Things were getting more dangerous, he could see that in the young man's eyes as they darted between the window and door, everywhere but on him. "Luka?"
He couldn't find the words. Luka reached for the now cold tea and took a sip before sitting it back down, he was so dry...but it was just another way of delaying things. He had to talk about it if he wanted to get past it...it was just so hard. "When I was with them...I felt alive...they didn't care who I was, or what I had done...they just wanted to be with me..then after, they were gone...I didn't have to talk about any of it, or see them again." His eyes fell to his hands as he rubbed them together.
"That made things easier for you?"
"I thought it did...but I think in other ways it made it worse." He was suddenly freezing and as he lifted his eyes he wrapped his arms around himself.
Without asking, Dr. Johannesson rose and retrieved one of the afghans from the closet only to drape it around Luka's shoulders before sitting again. "How did it make things worse?"
"I began not to care anymore, I would just show up for my shifts and do my job, I didn't even see my patients as anything but their symptoms." He pulled the blanket more tightly around him though it seemed to be doing little to stop his trembling.
"This was before the party?" The doctor felt the need to ask for the clarification.
"Yes..."
"What about after the party?" There couldn't be any turning back now, he had to get the young man to confront what he'd been avoiding.
Luka wet his lips, then swiped his tongue around the inside of his mouth, delaying the inevitable. "Erin stayed the night...nothing happened...I had passed out, they called from work and she answered, they wanted me to come in. I knew I shouldn't...I was hungover, but Kerry ordered me to. When I got there it was a mess...and I missed things...things I should have seen, would have if I hadn't been drunk the night before. I could have left a couple times, I just kept staying...and because of that I ruined a kid's life. Then, when I did leave I almost killed Erin because I was so angry with myself." The confession was exhausting and Luka leaned back against the couch and let his eyes close for a moment.
"Luka, we all make mistakes...it's part of being human." He watched the man in front of him carefully.
"But most people's mistakes don't kill someone, or worse." He opened his eyes when he spoke.
"Luka...you can't expect yourself to be perfect all the time, and you can't know that whatever happened, wouldn't have happened regardless of whether you had been at that party the night before."
"I can't know that it would have happened either..." The truth was out, and that was it wasn't it?
"No, you can't know that, but if we all lived everyday second guessing every move we made where would we be?" The question wasn't meant to have an answer and even as he asked it, the doctor continued. You can't keep punishing yourself like this, holding yourself up to a higher standard for blame."
"But..." Luka started to protest only to have Dr. Johannesson silence himwith a raised finger.
"No, buts, Luka, you have to stop second guessing yourself. Things happen, they aren't always the things we want to happen, or even good things, but they're still going to happen. All you can do is learn from them and move on, but nothing is served by you repeatedly punishing yourself." The words were difficult ones to say and likely ones he would repeat on many more occasions, but they seemed to register as Luka leaned back against the couch again and closed his eyes.
He might have run a marathon for the exhaustion he felt. "What if I can't?" The question came hidden behind still closed eyes.
"I think you can, you're a strong man, Luka, stronger then you're ready to admit. Give yourself time, it'll come." The doctor let his voice soften.
"What if I'm not?" He still wasn't persuaded to the truth of the older man's words.
"Trust me, Luka...you are." He rose and walked over to the desk to switch the light on it's surface off. "Why don't you rest for a few minutes, think about what we've talked about." He read the fatigue in the young doctor as he spoke, then offered the permission he knew he needed before he would willingly let go. When Luka did little more then nod, the man knew he'd been right. The young doctor had come a long way in the weeks he'd been seeing him, but it was clear they had much farther to go before he could begin to claim the young man healed, if he would ever truly be that. At worst though he could find a way to help him manage his past, and for the first time in far too long perhaps even see a future. The thought made the older man smile, if he was successful in nothing else he wished that for the dark man in front of him.
to be continued...
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Healing
Jan 11, 2009 3:14:38 GMT 10
Post by FicWriter on Jan 11, 2009 3:14:38 GMT 10
Healing
(A follow-up to the Congo arc, this story interweaves with the actually aired episodes.)
Chapter 17/30
by JD
Why did it all have to be so hard? As he heard the door close, signaling the doctor's exit Luka opened his eyes. He had known that it wouldn't be easy facing all the mistakes he'd made, but he'd never thought it would be like this. The thought brought on a fresh bout of chills and he leaned forward before pulling the afghan more tightly around himself. He'd been afraid to look at the doctor, afraid that he would see in his face the same things he felt about himself, and that would be far worse then anything else.
How long had it been since he had worried about how others might see him? Too long...the realization was a painful one to admit. It had used to matter, when he'd spent time with Carol, even with Abby, but then he'd begun to self-destruct, as if he didn't deserve to be happy. He'd been aware of the rumors about his behavior at the hospital, how could he not have noticed, worse, how could he have not expected them? He'd changed, and not for the better, self punishment for allowing himself to think he deserved to move on with his life.
"Luka?" He lifted his head as the door eased open and he heard the doctor's voice. "Ready to continue?"
The inner battle reared it's head, he could stop now if he chose to, the man wouldn't push him farther in a session then he was willing to go, but what was the point in hiding from the truth anymore? "I think so." The words lacked conviction but they were honest and as he spoke he sat up, meeting the man's eyes despite the fear of what he might see in them.
As he fully entered the room the doctor moved over to switch the light back on.
"Could you leave it off?" The need to hide was too strong to ignore and the lamp seemed to offer a manageable compromise if he was going to go on.
"If that's what you want." Dr. Johannesson let his hand drop and returned to take the chair he'd left earlier. "How are you feeling, Luka?" He swept his eyes over the man in front of him with the question.
He shook his head, "I don't know." If he could only stop shivering, he drew the afghan tighter.
"Don't you?" Gentle coaxing came with the question.
"I can't get warm." There was a hint of panic in Luka's words that prompted the doctor to rise and retrieve the second afghan.
"You have to let the feelings out, Luka...I know it's hard, but it's the only way." He draped the blanket around the younger man's shoulders before taking a seat on the couch beside him. "You hid from this too long, it's time to confront it."
"What if I can't?" The chattering of his teeth seemed deafening.
"Luka, trust yourself...you're stronger then you think." Despite the difficulty the doctor resisted the urge to touch the man before him. He had to let him take this step alone, no matter how hard it was.
The room fell to silence for several long moments as Luka dropped his eyes to the floor, the war going on inside him all to clear. "I hate myself...what I've become." The words came so quietly the doctor found himself struggling to hear them.
"It's not too late to change, Luka, your coming here proves you want that." He took in the younger man's appearance, the fear at the worst impossible for him to hide any longer. "You have the chance to start over, not many people can say that."
"What if I can't be anyone else?"
"I don't think you really want to be someone else, do you? You are who you are, Luka, you've made mistakes like all of us have, but you can't continue to dwell on them. Acknowledge that you made them and then let them go, don't keep punishing yourself with them."
"You make it sound so easy...it's not..." He stopped himself as his tone rose to include more of the frustration he found in the situation.
"I never said it would be easy, Luka. You've had, what, ten years to become who you are now? Why do you think you can undo it overnight?"
"I don't..." Even as he said it he knew it was a lie, he did want a quick fix, the magic pill that would make all he had done disappear.
"I think you do, we all want that, but it's not going to happen, as much as we want it to." As Luka huddled into himself the doctor reached over and lay a hand on his shoulder. "Give it time, Luka...it'll come."
"How can you be so sure? What if this is how I'll always be?" The words held the unsteadiness of the fear he was feeling despite his efforts to control it.
"Because I know, and I believe that within you have the strength to let it happen if you want it to." With the words he tightened his hold on the younger man's shoulder, letting his touch do what his words had begun. "You don't have to do it alone, Luka, I'll be here for you as long as it takes."
Whether that alone was what he had been waiting for Luka would never know, but at the man's words he felt a weight lift from his shoulders. He wasn't alone anymore unless he wanted to be and that had always been his strongest fear among all the others.
to be continued...
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Healing
Jan 12, 2009 3:07:15 GMT 10
Post by FicWriter on Jan 12, 2009 3:07:15 GMT 10
Healing
(A follow-up to the Congo arc, this story interweaves with the actually aired episodes.)
Chapter 18/30
by JD
As the session ended Luka still found himself still battling the chills, but even worse was the dread of facing the evening alone. He'd felt this way before after a particularly difficult session, but he'd always been able to shake it off, why was tonight so different? He kept the afghans pulled around him as he willed the warmth they should hold to find him.
"Luka, are you all right?" The doctor's voice broke into his thoughts and he lifted his eyes to him.
"I don't think so..." The admission came quietly.
"Is it the malaria?" The doctor reached over to lay his hand on Luka's forehead with the question, only to frown with the results. "You're running a temperature again."
"It comes and goes..." That was the truth wasn't it?
"Luka, do you have anyone who can stay with you tonight?" Dr. Johannesson made no attempt to keep the concern from his voice.
"Not really..I'll be okay.." The shivering only seemed to be worsening and Luka knew the night would be another of those he would spend huddled under every blanket he could find.
"I don't think you should be alone tonight." The doctor rose from the couch. "I'll ask my wife to turn down the spare bed, you can stay here tonight."
"You don't have to...besides, my meds are at home." Luka's protest came without conviction.
"I know we don't, but I'll feel better being able to keep an eye on you tonight, or at least until your fever breaks. As for your medicine, if you tell me where they are, I can go get them for you." The doctor's voice assumed the tone of persuasiveness he'd found useful when working with the younger man.
Luka knew that whatever protest he'd offer now would only fall on deaf ears, and lacking the energy to argue further he instead leaned back against the couch, he was just too tired to fight. "Keys are in my coat...meds are by the sink in the kitchen."
"I won't be long, Luka, I'll let Ingrid know you're staying and then I'll go pick them up, do you need anything else while I'm there?"
When Luka simply shook his head and let his eyes close, the doctor found himself smiling, the trust was coming...slowly but surely.
He must have fallen asleep and at the touch on his arm Luka's eyes flew open, the disorientation at where he was clearly on his face.
"It's all right, Luka." Mrs. Johannesson's voice was quiet, offering reassurance as she allowed him time to recognize her. "Let's get you upstairs to bed." She waited for him to stand then slid her arm around him for support. He was warm, too warm, she could feel the heat coming from him despite his continued shivering. "Martin will be back soon."
He was past having the strength to answer, and instead he put what energy remained into obeying the woman's words. By the time they reached the top of the stairs he was sure he could go no further, and he grabbed the top of the bannister to steady himself as his balance faltered.
"Just a little ways more, Luka, then you can rest." Ingrid managed to coax him the remaining steps, and as they entered the room she helped him to sit on the bed. "Let's get your shoes off." She released him so she could kneel and unlace both then slipped them off, before rising again. "Lay back now...it's all right."
"Maybe just sleep for a little while." The words came slowly, as if the very effort of forming them was exhausting and once he was done, Luka gave in and stretched out on his side.
"I'll just get you covered up and then when Martin gets back I'll have him check in on you." The woman continued to talk even as she realized that Luka had fallen asleep and as she drew the last of the blankets over him she found it hard to resist the urge to plant a kiss on his forehead. Smiling at her own actions she slipped out of the room, leaving the door ajar so they would hear if Luka woke.
The hands were pulling on him...jerking him roughly to his feet before the IV was ripped from his vein...even before he was fully conscious they had grabbed his arms and begun to wrap the wire around his wrists. Why couldn't they stop the screaming? He struggled to comply with the shouted orders despite his weakness, forcing himself to kneel then raise now bound arms that felt like they weighed a ton over his head. He was going to fall...he could barely hold his balance, the chills leaving him unsteady. "Don't hurt the little girl..." The words came without his even realizing he had spoken when he heard the screams of Chance and her mother, then came the blow meant to silence him. He fell forward, unable to stop himself, only to once more struggle to his knees at their command. Patrique's voice, warning him to silence...but how could he stay silent. "Please.. don't hurt the little girl..." He begged for her safety in the French they would understand and suffered yet another blow for the effort.
"Luka...wake up." Dr. Johannesson sat on the side of the bed, aware that his wife had followed him upstairs. "Luka..." He touched the young man's head, frowning at the heat that radiated from him. "It's just a dream...just a dream."
At the touch on his skin Luka's eyes flew open, the panic of the nightmare clearly etched in his eyes as he had yet to fully escape the memories.
"No one can hurt you here, Luka...it's just a dream." The doctor withdrew his hand, giving Luka time to adjust to his surroundings. Despite what they had accomplished in the last month there was still so much left to do. The dream obviously tied to things he had yet to share. "I have your medicine...do you think you can take the pills now?" At the slight nod he helped Luka sit up enough that he could take two of the tablets and a few sips of water. "That's it, why don't you get some more rest, and if you need anything just call."
The nightmares were draining, never more then bits and pieces of what had happened, but always exhausting, and despite the fear that remained he knew sleep was what he needed most. Without protest he closed his eyes and within moments he was once more asleep
to be continued...
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Healing
Jan 13, 2009 4:35:38 GMT 10
Post by FicWriter on Jan 13, 2009 4:35:38 GMT 10
Healing
(A follow-up to the Congo arc, this story interweaves with the actually aired episodes.)
Chapter 19/30
by JD
"How is he?" Ingrid Johannesson's worry was no longer anything she was hiding, and as her husband stepped out of the guest bedroom she immediately confronted him.
"He's resting again." He motioned his wife to the stairs as he spoke. "Let's go back to the kitchen.
"Martin, that isn't resting...there has to be something more we can do."
"He was awake long enough to take his pills, that should help." He started down the stairs in hopes that his wife would follow and after a moments hesitation she did. "He's a doctor, Ingrid, I'm sure he would have said something if there was more that could be done."
"The least we could do is sit with him then, I don't like the idea of his being up there alone." The older woman's attention went back up the stairs as she spoke.
"Has it occurred to you that he might not be comfortable having someone in his room while he's asleep?" Martin lifted an eyebrow with the question, then smiled as his wife started to speak again.
"Martin...the boy is running a temperature, someone should stay with him, if you won't let me do it then you should do it yourself." As his wife's hands settled on her hips he realized she was past backing down on the matter.
"All right then, I guess I could do some of my paperwork in there just as easily as in my office."
"Thank-you.." Ingrid moved over to kiss her husband. "I'll make you some tea."
"You know you're a stubborn old woman, don't you?" Martin chuckled softly as he spoke.
"A perfect match for you, old man...now get your papers, I still don't like the idea of his being left alone, no matter how long it is."
The next several hours were ones that found Dr. Johannesson getting very little of his work done. Luka's sleep continued to be restless as his temperature spiked and what little sleep he was getting continued to be filled with dreams. Retaking his seat after replacing the blankets that had been pushed away for no less than the sixth time, he felt, rather then saw, Luka's eyes on him. Before he could do anything more then bring his eyes back to him, the man began to speak.
"Should go...not safe here." The words were quiet, and though Luka seemed to be looking at him, Martin found himself left with the feeling that he was looking far beyond him.
"Where's here, Luka?" The doctor asked the question cautiously, unsure of the awareness of the man in front of him.
"Should all go...leave me here...safer not to be found with me..." The warnings continued as if he were either unwilling or unable to say more. "Should all go..." His words trailed off, the energy to speak gone as quickly as it had appeared.
Johannesson found himself at a loss for how to respond as Luka's eyes remained open and on him for a moment longer, until, with a sigh of seeming defeat he closed them again. What was he to make of this? He reached for the young doctor's file and opened it, no one knew exactly all he had been through, they could guess, even use the statements given by the two others that had survived the capture by the rebels, but only if the man before him chose to talk could he know the full truth. He flipped through the file until he found the medical records from the clinic in Africa.
Malaria...anemia...contusions...excessive bruising indicative of physical abuse, nothing of his mental state, that could only be left to speculation. He'd been unconscious when found, dehydrated, his condition reflecting abuse and neglect.
The doctor shook his head as he continued to read through the records, all of this on top of what he had already experienced before going to Africa. Letting the file drop on his lap, Dr. Johannesson slid his fingers underneath his glasses to massage the bridge of his nose before returning his attention to the man in front of him. So many things for one person to endure, he let his hand drop and sat back in the chair so he could study his patient more closely. Even in sleep he was restless, chasing the memories that continued to haunt him. He'd thought they were making progress, that the young man was beginning to open up, but here were things that had not even been touched on, how much more had he kept to himself?
to be continued...
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Healing
Jan 14, 2009 2:24:53 GMT 10
Post by FicWriter on Jan 14, 2009 2:24:53 GMT 10
Healing
(A follow-up to the Congo arc, this story interweaves with the actually aired episodes.)
Chapter 20/30
by JD
It was the sun creeping across the room that woke him and as it warmed his face Luka cracked one eye, only to close it again with a groan. Instantly, his eyes reopened and he frowned as his mind struggled to identify the unfamiliar surroundings.
"You're awake." Mrs. Johannesson's voice put the missing piece into place and he sat up as she appeared in the doorway. "Good morning, feeling better?" Her eyes swept over him quickly with the question.
"I think so..." He pushed the covers aside in preparation of getting up.
"No, you don't..." The older woman stopped him, a tone of warning in her voice. "You stay right there in bed, as bad as your fever was last night you can stand the rest. I'll go down to the kitchen and get you something to eat."
"You don't have to do this, I've imposed on you enough." He made the attempt to rise again only to stop at the glare the woman leveled on him.
"It's not an imposition, if you need the restroom it's next door, otherwise, you'll stay there until Martin says differently." When he made no further attempts to get out of bed, the woman smiled. "I'll be right back with some breakfast for you...and don't you dare say it isn't necessary." She silenced the protest he was about to make before he could voice it.
Resolving himself to his fate, Luka waited until the woman had left before venturing to the bathroom. As much as he hated to admit it, she was probably right, even the short walk to and from the room managed to be an exhausting chore, and by the time he returned to the bed his legs were weak. The continuing fevers seemed to take away whatever gains he was making and it was a frustration he couldn't deny.
No more then ten minutes later he heard the sound of footsteps and Ingrid reappeared carrying a small tray. "I wasn't sure what you'd like, or what your stomach might handle." She offered the apology as she settled the tray on his lap.
"I'm sure it'll be fine, thank you." Luka took in the choices open to him. A bowl of oatmeal shared space on the tray with toast and eggs, as well as tea, and glasses of both milk and orange juice.
"Eat what you can, Martin should be done soon and then he'll be up to check on you." Unable to resist any longer she touched his forehead in an attempt to check his temperature, then, seemingly satisfied she moved away. "Just leave the tray on the table next to the bed when you're done, Luka, I'll pick it up later."
"Thank you, again." He managed a smile for the woman that only deepened as she offered one in return.
Only when he had begun to eat did she answer, "You're welcome, Luka." Then, with a second smile she disappeared from the room.
His appetite was light but Luka forced himself to eat, a few bites of oatmeal, a forkful of eggs...a swallow of juice, only the milk seemed to totally agree and as he finished the glass he returned it to the tray. As much as he regretted admitting it, what he wanted most was to go back to sleep. With great care he maneuvered so he could transfer the tray from his lap to the table without upsetting what remained on it. There was no way of knowing how long it would be before the doctor appeared, and while he could easily leave, he knew he wouldn't. Settling back against the headboard he prepared himself for the wait, and within minutes he had fallen back to sleep.
When he woke again the sunlight had faded and the room had settled into shadows. How long had he slept? He glanced at his watch then shocked by what he saw looked again...it couldn't be right, could it? He pushed the blankets aside and swung his legs over the side of the bed, giving himself time to steady himself before standing. Once he was in the hall he could hear the voices downstairs and after a momentary detour to the bathroom, he made his way towards them.
"Look who's up?" Martin Johannesson was the first to notice Luka's appearance and he smiled as he greeted him. It took his wife a moment longer as she was in the middle of preparing dinner and had her back to the door.
"Good afternoon." Luka's greeting held a touch of embarrassment to it.
Good afternoon, Luka...you look much better." Ingrid's smile seemed to fill her face as she turned and dried her hands on the apron she wore. "I'm making dinner, if you're hungry now though I could fix you something."
"I'm fine, thank you. I guess I slept through my session." His attention turned to the doctor as he spoke.
"That's all right, you needed the sleep...we can talk now if you'd like?" He watched the young man carefully for his reaction to the offer. "Perhaps about the dreams?"
Luka knew his face had paled at the mention of the nightmares... uncertainty at just what and how much had slipped out overriding even the trust he had for the man. He swiped his tongue around the inside of his mouth, far too aware of what his silence was saying.
"I think we should talk about it while it's still fresh." The doctor rose and headed towards him. "Let's go in my office."
"Martin..." Ingrid's concern left her unable to resist intervening. "Let him at least have a a few minutes to wake up."
"I'm all right..." Luka found himself momentarily torn between the two, but after offering the reassurance to the woman he followed her husband into the office. Dr. Johannesson waited until Luka had taken a seat on the couch before sitting himself, selecting the chair adjacent, rather then the one behind his desk.
"How often do you have the nightmares, Luka?" He folded his hands in his lap as he waited for the younger man to respond.
"I don't know...it just kind of depends." He lifted one hand in nervousness and began to gnaw at the side of his thumb.
"Depends on what?" Gently, gently, the doctor found the reminder to himself coming automatically.
"How tired I am...if my temperature is up...sometimes..." He hesitated without meaning to. "If I've been thinking about things too much."
"The dreams aren't about what happened to you in Croatia are they?"
"No...not usually." He didn't want to go here...not yet.
"You were speaking in French..." The doctor continued employing gentle interrogation to advance them.
"I guess." What all had he said? His eyes darted between the window and door, the need to flee surging unexpectedly.
"You also mentioned something in English...you told me to leave you alone...that I wasn't safe with you. Who were you talking to Luka?" Whatever the dreams held they were a key to much more, and unless the man chose to talk about them, he couldn't even begin to help him through it.
He wasn't ready for this...the panic rose quickly, fear of what he might have said overriding even the trust he felt towards the man. "I don't remember..." He swallowed, the feeling of nausea becoming even stronger with the avoidance.
"I think you do, Luka. You've trusted me before...."
"Patrique..." The name came out little more then a whisper. "I told him to leave...I told them all to leave but they didn't listen." His voice was unsteady and he found himself tucking his hands between his knees as if that might steady him.
"Who's Patrique, Luka?" The doctor resisted the urge to reach over to his patient, as much as he wanted to offer the sense of grounding, he knew there were times he had to stand back.
"If he'd have just listened..." Luka's voice took on a faraway tone.
"Listened to what?" Baby steps...he cautioned himself.
"I told him to leave...he wouldn't listen...because of me." He wasn't even aware of the rocking he had begun as a means of calming himself.
"What happened to Patrique, Luka?" Dr. Johannesson's attention was fully on the man in front of him as he watched the progression of his retreat into himself.
"He was killed..." He continued the rocking as he forced the words out. "They shot him, because of me."
to be continued...
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Healing
Jan 15, 2009 2:20:56 GMT 10
Post by FicWriter on Jan 15, 2009 2:20:56 GMT 10
Healing
(A follow-up to the Congo arc, this story interweaves with the actually aired episodes.)
Chapter 21/30
by JD
With the mention of Patrique, the memory of his death filled Luka's thoughts. Why had the man sacrificed his own life to save him? What had made his life so much more valuable then his own? Why hadn't he left while he had the chance? Why hadn't they all left? He squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to will the questions and the memories that prompted them away only to have to force them open as the doctor spoke.
"Tell me about Patrique, Luka." Dr. Johannesson's eyes moved slowly over the man in front of him, taking in the nervous ticks as well as the loss of color in his face. "Tell me why you think it's your fault that he's dead."
"Because it was...it is." The response came out harsher then he intended and he dropped his eyes, unwilling to see the older man's reaction.
"Tell me about it, Luka." He had to get him past the guilt...if he was successful with nothing else he had to be successful at that.
As much as he wanted to trust the man, Luka still found it hard to talk about what had happened. He'd been able to use the excuse of his illness in the Congo when they'd asked. He didn't remember, why should they doubt him? But he had remembered, more then he'd wanted to, and that was far worse then the not knowing.
"Luka..." The doctor watched the battle within his patient rage...how long could he let him continue before he had to give up and accept defeat? "Tell me about Patrique."
"He stayed because of me..." A long exhale punctuated the words. "I wouldn't leave my patients so he stayed. We knew the Mai Mai were close, but I couldn't leave my patients." Luka lifted a hand only to wipe it over his face before continuing. "It wasn't so bad at first...there were just a few patients left. Then I started to get sick..."
"The malaria." Dr. Johannesson filled the confirming detail in for himself.
"Yes...at first I just told them I was tired...but Patrique knew it was more. He wanted me to take the quinine, but my patients needed it more and I refused. Then we got word the rebels were moving in, we left with almost nothing and ran into the fields to hide. My fever was getting worse, Patrique kept telling me I needed the quinine, but I had a little boy who needed it more. I just wanted to sleep..." The need to flee prompted him to get to his feet, and he nervously began to pace the room, unable to stop himself from talking even though he wanted to. "It had rained all night, but I was too tired to care, then the next morning when Patrique woke me...they had all left, all but Chance and her mother, and Patrique. The rest of them knew..it wasn't safe for them to be found with me..."
The doctor watched the man pace the room like a caged animal, unable to remain in one place more then a few seconds. They were on a precipice...if he stopped him now Luka might very well retreat back into himself, all he could do was be there, let him get the words out while he could.
"I told them to leave...all of them...but they wouldn't listen to me." His voice rose, anguish flavoring the words as his guilt took a firmer hold on him. " Patrique started the quinine...he knew with the boy gone I wouldn't refuse it. I thought it would be safe to go back...I told them it would be safe...but it wasn't..oh, God... I didn't know they would still be there." The words thickened as he was unable to keep his accent under control. "They were still there...I had told them it would be safe, but it wasn't." He clenched his fists so tightly that he felt his nails bite into his palms.
"Luka...you couldn't have known." The doctor rose and approached the man.
"No...don't..." He raised his hands to ward off the advance before backing away. He was going to be sick.. "They believed me..."
"You couldn't have known, Luka, they had the choice to go, you can't blame yourself because they stayed." It was all the older man could do to hold his ground as he spoke. "What happened when you got back?"
"I tried to talk to them...but my fever...I didn't even know what I was doing...one of them hit me...I remember waking up as they were tying my wrists..." He rubbed his wrist as he spoke, feeling the tightness as if they were still bound. "I could hear the screams from Chance and her mother...oh, God...why hadn't they gone?" His breathing became more rapid as he spoke. "The kept shouting at us...they wanted us to kneel...to keep our hands on our heads...I couldn't...when I'd fall they were always there... screaming at me...kicking me until I got up again." He was sure he was going to collapse, as the burst of energy that had allowed him to get the words out disappeared as suddenly as it appeared.
"Luka...you need to sit down..." Dr. Johannesson, approached and cautiously reached out to touch the young man's arm as he spoke.
"Don't." Luka pulled out of his grip, only to stagger as the sudden action knocked him off balance.
"Luka...listen to me...you need to sit down. The doctor kept his voice firm as he repeated the direction, but did not touch him again.
"They would have been safe it they had left." As he spoke, Luka wrapped his arms around himself and for the first time since he'd begun to talk actually seemed to be looking at the doctor.
"You don't know that, Luka...but it was their choice to stay. You can't blame yourself for what happened to any of them." As he spoke Martin moved closer, then cautiously took hold of the man's arm. "You need to sit down, let me help you."
Finally, too tired to protest, Luka allowed the older man to lead him back to the couch. The gates were open now, the memories unleashed, he would have to face them all before he could seal them away again. The thought scared him more then he wanted to admit and without asking he knew the doctor understood that as well.
to be continued...
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Healing
Jan 16, 2009 4:02:34 GMT 10
Post by FicWriter on Jan 16, 2009 4:02:34 GMT 10
Healing
(A follow-up to the Congo arc, this story interweaves with the actually aired episodes.)
Chapter 22/30
by JD
"Can you go on, Luka?" The question came quietly, the doctor unsure of just how much more the man could endure before he shut himself down. "Can you tell me what happened after you were captured?"
If there had been a way he could have crawled inside of himself and taken the memories with him Luka was sure he would have used it, but the truth was, there was no escape. All that was left was for him to face what had happened...face it and accept it. He released a sigh, it sounded so simple when he thought about it, but it wasn't simple, none of it was ever that way.
"Luka, what happened next?" The words continued to come quietly, the questions meant to coax him to move on to the next step despite whatever fear was holding him back.
"They raped her..." His answer was barely audible, mumbled as if that could somehow make the act any less horrific.
"Who was raped, Luka?" The doctor hated asking the question as much as he feared the answer.
"Chance's mother...they drug her into the tent...there was nothing I could do..nothing any of us could do...oh, God...they left Chance outside....made her listen to what they were doing to her mother...she was just a little girl." The tears began before he could stop them and rather then wipe them away Luka tucked his hands between his knees. "Why didn't she leave when she had the chance?" He lifted his tear streaked face so he could look at the doctor, hope that he could somehow explain the unexplainable in his expression.
"I wish I could answer that for you, Luka, but I can't...but it's not your fault it happened." He could only hope that the words offered some sort of comfort, something that could ease the guilt the young man before him clung to so tightly. "Where was Patrique while this was happening?"
"He was with me...there were others too...all we could do was wait as one by one they drug someone away." As the memories came with more clarity Luka felt like he was drowning. He couldn't catch his breath anymore and he found himself gasping for air.
"Breathe, Luka...." Martin rose with the reminder and moved quickly to his desk, yanking a drawer open he pulled out a paperbag, then returned to where Luka sat. "Luka, you're hyperventilating...you need to relax." After inflating the bag he took a seat next to him. "Luka...look at me...I want you to breathe into this." He waited until the younger man had met his eyes, then held the bag over his nose and mouth. "Breathe slowly...that's it..." It took several minutes for him to get Luka to breathe normally, but as he did he withdrew the bag. "Better?"
Luka nodded, he was exhausted and yet he knew he had come too far to stop now. Like the blood of a wound freshly opened the memories rose and nothing he could do would stop them. "At first we didn't know what would happen." Unprompted he began again. "When they took the first of us...we didn't know what to expect...then we heard the gunshot. When they came back again we didn't know who would be next...they had been keeping us in the clinic. They forced us to get up...to go outside...to kneel again in the compound. We'd had no water... and in the heat...we would fall, then they would hit, or kick us until we were on our knees again. Patrique...he tried to explain we were doctors...that we were only trying to help..." He was stopped as the words caught in his throat.
"Luka...do you need to take a break?" The doctor's concern was growing as he watched the man beside him, listened to the hollowness of his words as he related what he'd been through.
"He was there...next to me...begging them for our lives and they shot him, I felt his blood on my face." Luka continued, unable or unwilling to stop what he had begun. "It's not so clear after that...the heat, my fever...then I was the only one left...I was so tired...and it didn't seem to matter what they would do to me then. I remember sitting...and then a brightness...and I wondered if maybe God had come to take me to be with my family again..I wanted him to take me, I prayed for him to take me."
What could he say in response? The doctor found himself stunned into silence as he listened to Luka's words. It was almost as if time had stood still, and it couldn't restart until all he had to say had been revealed.
"It's all a blur after that...I know Chance's mother saved my life...somehow she convinced them I was a priest, after all they had done to her, all they still might do to her, she risked her life to save mine. I must have passed out...when I woke up we were in a building...I don't know how we got there...there was no air...no food or water...and my fever kept rising...and then nothing." As he finally stopped speaking Luka leaned forward and dropped his head into his hands, he was past exhausted, but it was out...and with that he felt a sense of freedom he'd been missing.
"It's all right, Luka." Dr. Johannesson laid his hand on the young man's shoulder. He'd known the young doctor had been held prisoner by rebels, he'd read the witness statements in preparation of seeing the man, but to hear what he'd been through in his own words. "It's all right." He moved his hand slowly over Luka's back as he offered the reassurance. They would have to revisit all of this if he was going to help his patient rid himself of the guilt, but there would be time for that later, there were other needs more pressing at the moment. "It's all right." He continued the slow circles on Luka's back, unable to ignore the trembling he felt under his hand. Tonight had marked a major breakthrough in getting him to open up, and as painful as it was, as painful as it would continue to be, it was still a success.
"I'm tired..." Luka's weariness was evident as he spoke, the very effort of expressing how he felt exhausting.
"I know, Luka...let's get you back to bed." There was no question of the man remaining another day, and as he helped the younger man to his feet he was surprised to find no resistance. Slipping his arm around him he moved slowly to the door, the next few days would not be easy ones, too much had been exposed to think otherwise, and in that moment of realization, Dr. Johannesson understood that he would not allow the man beside him to face those days alone.
to be continued...
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Healing
Jan 17, 2009 3:52:51 GMT 10
Post by FicWriter on Jan 17, 2009 3:52:51 GMT 10
Healing
(A follow-up to the Congo arc, this story interweaves with the actually aired episodes.)
Chapter 23/30
by JD
With Luka tucked safely into bed, Martin Johannesson made his way back downstairs and into the kitchen where he knew his wife would still be. As he entered, she turned from the counter she was working at, her dinner preparations abandoned.
"How did it go?" The woman filled a cup from the kettle that sat on the stove and carried it over to the table with her question.
"Ingrid...you know I can't tell you how his session went." The man walked over to his wife as he spoke. "I persuaded him to stay the night though, I don't think he should be home alone." He placed a hand on each of his wife's forearms. "I'm going to go over to his apartment and pick up some fresh clothes for him, I'd like you to sit with him while I'm gone, can you do that?"
"Of course." Ingrid's expression had settled into one of concern, the request unusual for her husband. "What if he wakes up?"
"I'm not sure he will, but if he does he may not know where he is. I fully expect him to have nightmares tonight, and I don't want to take the chance of him being by himself when that happens." The doctor paused, not wanting to betray patient confidentiality while at the same time wanting to prepare the woman for what she might encounter. "Ingrid, I'm sorry I can't tell you about what we discussed."
"I understand...but what should I do if he does wake up before you get back? The woman repeated her question, then watched her husband with the eyes of one who had been married for over 50 years. He was worried, she could see it on his face, hear it in his voice, whatever he had heard in the young doctor's session had affected him in ways his other patients hadn't.
"Stay with him, try to reassure him...he may be terrified." He stopped, afraid he had already said too much.
"It'll be all right, Martin." Ingrid smiled at her husband before kissing him. "You should go, we'll be fine."
The older man returned the kiss, then released his wife. "If you need me, call my cell, I'll try not to be too long."
"I will." As her husband left the kitchen, Mrs. Johannesson turned the pots on the stove as well as the oven off, dinner could wait, the man upstairs could not.
The next thirty minutes seemed to be the longest of her life, she'd told her husband she would be all right, now she wasn't so sure. If she had thought the fever had made Luka restless the night before, it was nothing compared with what he seemed to be going through now. Whatever had been discussed in his session seemied to have unleashed demons she could only imagine. As he struggled to free himself of the bedding that was tangled around him it became more then she could watch. Rising, the woman moved closer, unsure of whether she should intervene, but unable not to. "Shh, Luka... it's all right." Without thinking she reached out to free him of the blankets only to draw her hand back as he jerked back in terror.
"No." His eyes flew open with the cry.
"Luka...it's all right." She repeated the reassurance, though she wondered if he even heard her. His breathing had quickened with the fear and whatever he was seeing seemed to have caught him fully in it's hold. What had happened to him? Ingrid found her own fear rising the longer she watched the young man in front of her. Where was Martin?
He'd fallen asleep the moment he had laid his head on the pillow and almost as quickly the dreams had begun...he hadn't realized the rebels were even at the clinic until they stopped. He only wanted to tell them what they were....he groaned as he felt the man's blow strike, the pain as real as when it had originally happened. He could taste the dirt in his mouth as he lay there...and then the hands were on him...pulling at him...the voices screaming as they yanked him roughly to his feet, then numbness as they wrapped the electrical cords around his wrists. He could hear Chance's screams...oh, God..don't let them hurt her. She's just a little girl. His breathing came more quickly, panic rising faster then he could control it...and always the voices screaming....why couldn't they stop screaming? He couldn't breathe. Luka fought against the bedding that held him, seeing it as something other then what it was and unable to free himself from it's hold. "No." He jerked back as they grabbed for him again, his eyes open even in sleep. If only they weren't always screaming....
"Luka...listen to me, Luka...it's only a dream...you're safe." Ingrid's voice trembled as she tried to reassure the man in front of her all the whilewishing her husband would return. What was she supposed to do? Martin had been right, whatever he was seeing had him terrified, she couldn't just stand there doing nothing, but how was she to know what he needed? Against her better judgment the woman retook her seat, if she were closer to his eye level, maybe that would make things easier for him. "Luka...you're safe here...nothing can hurt you." It seemed like so little, yet it seemed to be helping. She repeated the phrase over and over even after his breathing had slowed and he drifted back to sleep, afraid that if she stopped he would wake yet again.
to be continued...
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Healing
Jan 18, 2009 3:55:45 GMT 10
Post by FicWriter on Jan 18, 2009 3:55:45 GMT 10
Healing
(A follow-up to the Congo arc, this story interweaves with the actually aired episodes.)
Chapter 24/30
by JD
Ingrid's own fear and sense of helplessness escalated as she watched Luka do battle with the nightmares that held him captive. Where was Martin? She'd lost count of how many times she had walked to the bedroom door, hoping to hear the sound of him returning downstairs. After the first failed attempt at untangling the covers that were twisted around Luka, she'd decided not to try again and instead she could only watch as he struggled in vain to free himself. She'd given up her efforts to console him with words as well, whatever he was reliving apparently too strong for her reassurances to reach him. All that remained for her to do was the one thing that was the most difficult, nothing.
At the sound of the door opening downstairs Ingrid tore herself away from her vigil and went to the top of the staircase. "Martin?"
"Yes, I'm sorry it took me so long, traffic was terrible." The doctor offered the apology as he made his way up the stairs to join his wife. "I brought..." He paused in mid-sentence as he saw the concern on his wife's face. "Ingrid, what's wrong?"
"You were right about the nightmares." She paused then began again. "Martin, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that if I touched him it would make things worse, but he was struggling..he'd gotten the blanket twisted." The woman's voice carried traces of her own fear and helplessness until her husband silenced her.
"Shh, it's all right, you couldn't have known." He reassured the woman before handing the small bag he carried to her. "I'm sorry I couldn't tell you more." Drawing her into his arms he held her a moment before kissing her. "Thank you for staying with him." He kissed her a second time then released her. "I'll go check on him."
Ingrid nodded as her husband drew away. "I'll go and finish dinner." Even as she said it she knew it was the last thing she wanted to do, but she knew too, that she had to stay busy lest her concern overwhelm her. "You'll call me if I can do anything else?"
"Of course." Martin smiled at his wife, clearly reading the unspoken in her words. "He'll be all right."
Turning from his wife, the doctor entered the darkened room then slowly approached the bed. She'd not exaggerated his restlessness and what bedding hadn't fallen to the floor were twisted around him as if they were meant to restrain him. His breathing came ragged, whatever he was reliving drawing what little strength he had from him.
"Luka..." He spoke the man's name softly as he took a seat on the edge of the bed, unsure if he would hear him. "Luka, it's just a dream."
The force of the push from the man behind him was strong enough to send him facedown into the dirt and for a moment Luka did nothing but lay there, the strength to again pull himself to his knees gone. When several minutes passed without the screaming he'd grown used to, he pushed himself back up...what was different? They'd left him alone again...he squinted into the sun as he watched them load the dead into one of the trucks, only to see them force Chance and her mother in on top of them as well. "No!" The scream was his this time, and just as suddenly he felt the blow meant to silence him before the hands began pulling on him, forcing him to his feet, only to have to support him as they gave way beneath him.
"Luka, you're safe...it's all right." Dr. Johannesson eased the bedding loose, hoping the freedom of the simple act might be enough to calm his patient.
They were going to kill him...kill all of them. His stomach rolled as the smell of death assaulted his senses, then just as quickly it became part of him as he was tossed carelessly on top of those who had already been killed. They were going to die..all of them. He found a comfort in the simplicity of it, all that they had been through and this was the end result. Despite the heat of the day he found himself shivering again and his rational mind told him that the malaria was worsening. An unfamiliar laugh broke at the thought, was that what would kill him? After all of this...he would die from a mosquito? It could be so easy, he could simply go to sleep and it would be over. None of the rest mattered now, not the fact that he was lying on the bodies of those who had already met their deaths. Not the knowledge that Chance and her mother might very likely meet a fate worse then his. All that mattered now was that he was so terribly tired and he was finally being allowed to sleep.
"Luka...shh, it's only a dream." The doctor repeated the words until the man's breathing had finally quieted and he seemed to have entered a more restful sleep. They had only touched the surface during his session, but it had been enough to stir the fears he had obviously held inside since his ordeal began. It had been enough to unlock the memories that he had suppressed in order to go on. "Shh...sleep now, you're safe here." He whispered the reassurances quietly hoping the words would reach the young man wherever he was. As difficult as the session had been, and as painful as the memories uncovered were, it was only the beginning, he was sure of that. It was with that same certainty that he knew the young doctor had come to him with a deeper purpose, and it was only time that would reveal what that was.
to be continued...
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Healing
Jan 19, 2009 6:54:03 GMT 10
Post by FicWriter on Jan 19, 2009 6:54:03 GMT 10
Healing
(A follow-up to the Congo arc, this story interweaves with the actually aired episodes.)
Chapter 25/30
by JD
He was beyond wondering what might happen next, it was so much easier to just let go. Laying there among those who's fates had already been decided he knew it was simply a matter of time before he would join them. He could hear the quiet sobs of Chance, the calming words of her mother, but he was too tired even to turn his head to find them. Even the act of brushing the flies off his face was more then he could manage with his bound arms pinned under him, so instead he was forced to endure the feel of them as they crawled across his skin. He knew they were nesting among his eyelashes, feasting on the blood that oozed from the cuts on his face, but he had no strength left to do anything about it. Maybe this was how he would die, how they all would die, abandoned as if they were already dead, left to rot among the corpses in the midday heat. Luka moaned softly as the memories continued to play out. Macabre movies that seemed to have no end to them.
Dr. Johannesson stirred from the light sleep he had allowed to himself as he sat with Luka. His patient had slipped into a less agitated sleep and he had thought the worst of his nightmares had passed, now, as he listened to the quiet moans, he wasn't so sure. "Shh...Luka...shh." The older man leaned forward as Luka moaned more deeply, then after a moment's hesitation briefly touched his forehead. He was warm...too warm. It would be easy to call one of those in the man's file, ask them to come for him, relieve himself of the responsibility. This wasn't his specialty after all...he was a psychologist, and clearly the symptoms now were related to the malaria. Or were they? He was the one who had encouraged the man to release the memories he had allowed himself to repress, what right then did he have to walk away from the results?
It didn't take long for the smells in the truck to leech into his clothes, to latch onto him as if they were part of him. The sweet smell of death, the iron bite of blood, all too soon it was an inescapable part of every breath. As the truck engine was started, the smell of exhaust soon mingled with the rest, they were moving, but where? He wasn't afraid. The clarity of the thought struck him. Whatever fear he might have possessed was gone, laying among those who's fates had already been decided, he was sure there could be nothing worse.
How long had they traveled? He had felt each rut and pothole as they began to move, then somehow, unbelievably, he had slipped into an exhausted sleep, the bodies below him his mattress. He hadn't even realized the truck had stopped until he felt the hands pulling on him, jerking him roughly from the truck only to drag him inside a small hut. Would the bullet find him here?
Luka jerked as the hands in his dream grabbed him, for an instant fear predominating all else. As his eyes flew open he pulled himself away from those he still saw before him, coming to rest only as his back connected with the wall and he could move no more.
"It's all right, Luka...it's only a dream." How many times had he offered those same reassurances to the young man before him? Dr. Johannesson made no attempt to move closer, allowing Luka a chance to adjust to the fact he was no longer trapped in his nightmares.
If it were only that easy. Luka's breathing came heavy, his chest rising and falling too rapidly as he struggled to suppress the sense of panic the dreams had left him with. Wiping a hand across his face he released a weary breath before allowing his eyes to finally come to rest on the older man.
"You were having a dream." Martin offered the clarification in response to the look of confusion on the man before him's face.
"Yeah." Luka wiped the remaining sleep from his eyes, then let his arm come to rest on his now upraised knee. "I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to apologize for, Luka...we all dream." Dr. Johannesson offered a gentle smile. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"I'm not sure I can...not yet anyway." Why was this part so much harder then the rest? Luka propped his elbow on his knee only to then conceal his face in his palm.
"I understand, there'll be time, would you rather go back to sleep?" The doctor kept his eyes on the younger man as he spoke.
"I don't think so, I should go home." His words lacked commitment even though he had lowered his arm and scooted forward so he could swing his legs over the side of the bed.
"I'd rather you weren't alone." Martin himself, had yet to move.
Luka couldn't stop the snortthat came in response. "I don't plan to kill myself."
"I never said you were planning to kill yourself. Luka, what makes you think that's the reason I want you to stay?" The doctor leaned forward with the question.
"Why else would you want me here if it wasn't to keep an eye on me?" The question held the feel of one not used to being taken care of.
"I know this isn't easy for you, that none of the things we've talked about have been easy." Dr. Johannesson chose his words carefully as he tried to explain. "You've been alone too long, Luka...hidden your feelings away as if that would make then disappear. From what I have seen, work was your escape, but then things began to overlap and unfortunately even that sanctuary was lost to you." He paused, reading the expressions on the man before him's face. "For the first time in far too long you've begun to allow yourself to face not just your past, and all that you've been through, but your feelings about it as well. I know that hasn't been easy for you, more importantly, I don't think it's something you should have to face alone."
His mouth had dropped open in surprise as the older man spoke, and as he finished talking he swiped his tongue across too dry lips. How long had it been since someone cared about him the way this man seemed to? He shook his head in disbelief, only to watch as a smile came across the doctor's face in response.
"Why is it so hard for you to believe? Martin's smile remained with the question.
to be continued..
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Healing
Jan 19, 2009 16:35:44 GMT 10
Post by FicWriter on Jan 19, 2009 16:35:44 GMT 10
Healing
(A follow-up to the Congo arc, this story interweaves with the actually aired episodes.)
Chapter 26/30
by JD
"You didn't answer me, Luka. Why is it so hard for you to believe that someone cares about you enough to not want you to be alone? Dr. Johannesson found himself repeating the question after a long moment of silence hung in the room.
The question stung even more with the second asking and Luka came to his feet as the need to flee surfaced. As much as he wanted to believe the man, the distrust lingered. He'd tried letting people close...he'd even tried revealing pieces of his past. What good had it done?
"Where will you run to this time, Luka?" Martin followed the younger man's movements with his eyes but made no attempt to rise and stop him.
That was the question wasn't it? Where would he go? Where could he go? He drug his fingers through his hair as his eyes darted between the door and the window, then in the end remained where he stood.
Watching the young man before him, the doctor found himself making comparisons between a deer on a highway and his patient. Did he retreat from the danger? Did he continue as he was and face possible death? Maybe he simply stood his ground, hoping that in his immobility he might somehow escape notice completely. "Luka, you've tried handling this alone, it hasn't worked, you've said so yourself, let me help you."
"I can't keep doing this." His frustration left his words thickly coated in his native accent.
"Yes, you can. Luka, you're stronger than you're ready to admit, you've had to be to survive all you've been through, but it's time you let someone help you. You don't have to carry this weight alone anymore." Martin slowly rose before reaching across the distance that separated them to clasp the younger man's shoulder. "Look ahead, look at all you've accomplished. Luka, you can't keep letting your past control you, you can't continue to see every mistake you make as some kind of punishment. You're human, and you're no different from anyone else. Yes, you've lived through things most people can't even imagine, but you did live, and you have to stop seeing that survival as some kind of a punishment as well." Dr. Johannesson had felt the young doctor tense under his hand, then relax again as the words registered with him.
Luka swept his eyes over the man before him, if only he could tell him how badly he wanted to believe him. If only he could tell him what it had felt like to be alone for so many years, what it was like to leave your family and homeland because it was even more painful to face them everyday and know what you had lost. If only he could tell the man of the tentative steps he had taken as he tried to allow someone into his heart, and what a failure it had been. If only he could tell him how he had finally given up that hope and instead had surrendered to the casual affairs and one night stands that had almost destroyed him, but had allowed him to feel if only for one night. How could he reveal all of that knowing how the man would see him when he was done?
"What is it, Luka? What are you afraid of? You told me yourself that talking about this was helping, what's changed?" The man probed gently, watching the younger man for clues while all the while maintaining the hold on his shoulder.
"Nothing....everything, I don't know." Why did this have to be so hard? Why couldn't he just tell the man what he wanted to hear? He drug his hand back through his hair again as he looked first to the window then back to the older man.
"Luka, talk to me...tell me what's changed." Martin kept his tone unhurried and quiet, hoping it would coax the younger man to take that next step.
How could he make him understand? How could he make anyone understand what it was like? Luka clenched his hands into fists as he fought for the words to answer. "It's all coming back... don't you understand? Before, I could shut it away...pretend I wasn't any different then anyone else. I mean, I knew I wasn't like them, but I was never anywhere long enough for it to matter..." His voice trailed off, the burst of energy gone as quickly as it had surfaced.
"Is that it? You're telling me that you think if you don't let anyone close it will make them see you differently? That somehow all that you have gone through, all you have survived, Luka. All of those things that shaped you into the man standing here now, the man that we see when we look at you, will make you someone different if we're allowed to really understand?"
"I don't know...maybe. I don't want people to feel sorry for me..." He paused, only to release a heavy sigh. "I've been through that...had people look at me like I was someone who needed their pity...or worse, that I was someone who was going to break into little pieces."
"So, it's better that only you feel sorry for yourself, that's what you're saying, isn't it?" Martin eased into the question gently. "Why don't you sit back down, Luka?"
Why did this all have to be so exhausting? Without giving it a second thought, Luka found himself complying with the doctor's request, then once seated he rubbed at his eyes. "It's just easier to not say anything."
"You mean to keep everyone outside the walls you're built around yourself don't you? Luka, I've seen this before and I hate to break it to you but it doesn't work. The time will come when you'll meet someone who you want to let in, you may not think it's possible now, but it'll happen, then what will you do?" The doctor retook his own seat as he spoke.
"I don't know..." His frustration was growing, frustration at the rules he had set for himself, frustration at himself for having to be who he was. Why couldn't he be normal like everyone else?
"That's all right, Luka." Dr. Johannesson correctly read the signs and brought the conversation towards closure. Now, I brought you some clean clothes, let me show you where the bathroom is, you can shower if you like, and change, and then we'll see what Ingrid has in the kitchen." He offered Luka a smile before rising. "We'll work it out, you'll see, it's just going to take some time."
"Yeah..." Luka found it impossible to put any enthusiasm into his response. "It's not going to be easy is it?" The question came as an afterthought as he rose.
"No, I'm afraid not, but don't worry, I'll be here for as long as it takes, I give you my word." The doctor reached over to grasp Luka's shoulder again. "You don't have to do this alone anymore."
to be continued...
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Healing
Jan 21, 2009 4:53:10 GMT 10
Post by FicWriter on Jan 21, 2009 4:53:10 GMT 10
Healing
(A follow-up to the Congo arc, this story interweaves with the actually aired episodes.)
Chapter 27/30
by JD
As he closed and locked the door to the bathroom Luka felt his scarcely controlled composure slip, and with it a wave of emotions surged. The impact hit with a suddenness that left him unsteady and he grabbed at the sink, unsure if his legs would hold him. All of the feelings he'd hidden away, all of the memories he'd so carefully banished to the dark corners were loose within him and the fear of that left his heart racing.
Forcing himself to look at his reflection in the mirror before him Luka was shocked to see the terror in his own eyes. How was this supposed to make things better then what they were? His hold on the sink tightened until his knuckles turned white. How could Johannesson possibly think this would help him? Closing his eyes Luka struggled to slow his breathing, aware that even in the safety of the small bathroom, the panic was threatening to take hold of him.
As he opened his eyes again, it was undeniable that the nightmares that had haunted his sleep had left their mark on him as well. As much as he might protest, there was no escaping the dark circles that ringed his eyes, the lines of fatigue that etched his face. Exhaling, he released his hold long enough to plug the sink and turn the taps so he could fill the basin with water. He'd never expected it to be like this when he'd agreed to talk to the man, but the dreams were already providing proof to how well he had protected even himself from his past. At the thought he turned the faucets off and lowered his face into the water. He had been sure he hadn't remembered more then he had revealed, but, he had been wrong, the nightmares had shown him that. Lifting his head he wiped the water away only to study his reflection again. How much more was locked inside? How many more memories had he blocked?
The question was one that only increased his already blossoming fears. How much of all he had been through had he managed to hide even from himself? It was understandable that what happened in the Congo would be lost, he'd been sick, it made sense that he wouldn't remember. But, what if there were more? What if he had secreted away memories of all he had lived through during the war? What if he had somehow forgotten the small details of what had happened to Danijela and the children? That was the biggest fear, wasn't it? Those were the memories he'd relived over and over, the memories he'd used as punishment to himself for surviving when they had not. If they were wrong...
"No." He released the word aloud before he could stop himself, then looked to the door as if expecting someone to open it. He hadn't forgot. He couldn't have, not after he had sworn on their graves to keep those memories alive. Leaning forward he let his head come to rest against the mirror as he gripped the sink again. He had to remember every detail...he had to.
"Luka?" Martin Johannesson's voice broke his concentration. "Is everything all right?"
"Yeah?" He straightened and wiped a hand across his face before looking to the door, half expecting it to open even though he knew he had locked it.
"You're sure?" The man's voice on the other side was quiet, and reflected his concern.
"I'm sure." He wasn't of course...he wanted to tell that to the man. He wanted to tell him he thought he thought he was going crazy, but he wouldn't.
"My wife has asked me to tell you that breakfast is ready whenever you're done."
"I'll be down in a little while." He heard the pause, knew the man hadn't moved from the door and he heard what wasn't said. "I just need a few more minutes." A few more minutes...to try and repair the crumbling wall that had held his memories behind it. Why was it so hard to keep it in place with this man and his wife? After all these years it had become second nature, but not when he was with these two, what made them so different? Why was it so easy for them to see past it when no one else could?
"I'll see you downstairs then." He heard the retreating footfalls signal the man's departure as he finished speaking and released his own breath. What if he couldn't keep doing this? What if he simply walked away from it all? What was to stop him? He could leave now...leave this house...his job...the city...it was his choice wasn't it? He leaned into the mirror again knowing he wouldn't leave, couldn't. As much as he feared the unknown that his memories held, he feared the loneliness of starting over again more. It was time to stop running away, time to face the truths, as painful and as frightening as they might be.
Straightening, he studied his reflection in the mirror again. Somewhere inside, buried deep behind the memories was the man he had once been. The man Danijela had loved and married. The man who had fathered Jasna and Marko. He missed that part of himself more then he wanted to admit, and for too long he had thought him as dead as they were. What if there was a chance he wasn't? What if, by facing his past he could find him again? The possibility of reclaiming that missing part of himself kindled a flame of hope inside him, and he wiped at his eyes as tears threatened to break. He'd hated who he had become for so long, and if there was even the smallest hope of finding that man, how could he not try? Despite the fear of what he yet might uncover the decision to continue was made, and with that Luka found himself unable to stop the smile that found it's way to his face. He could do this...would do this, for Danijela and the children yes, but more importantly for himself.
to be continued...
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Healing
Jan 22, 2009 2:36:20 GMT 10
Post by FicWriter on Jan 22, 2009 2:36:20 GMT 10
Healing
(A follow-up to the Congo arc, this story interweaves with the actually aired episodes.)
Chapter 28/30
by JD
The few minutes Luka had needed had easily turned into fifteen by the time he had showered, changed and composed himself enough that he felt ready to face the couple downstairs. There was no escaping the apprehension he felt as he made his way down the stairs, the worry about what the doctor might have told his wife overriding all else. He wanted to trust the man at his word, wanted to believe that what they spoke of would remain strictly between them, but the doubt remained.
"Luka, good morning." Mrs. Johannesson's cheery greeting pushed the concerns to the back of his thoughts, and despite them Luka found a smile for her.
"Good morning, I'm sorry I took so long." His apology was sincere and was immediately brushed aside by the older woman.
"You don't need to apologize, now sit, you must be hungry and breakfast is ready." She was already setting a coffee cup on the table and followed it with full glasses of both milk and orange juice before returning to the stove.
"Thank you." Luka pulled his chair out and took a seat across from her husband, who was absorbed with the morning paper.
"You look better." Martin lifted his eyes long enough to give the younger man a quick once over.
"I feel better." Even as he said it Luka realized it was true, somehow, despite his earlier fears, he felt a comfort in the couple's presence that he rarely felt with anyone. When had he been able to say that last?
"Here you go." Ingrid sat a heavily laden plate before him of pancakes, scrambled eggs, and bacon. "Eat now, you're too thin."
"Ingrid." Her husband's warning was complete in her name as he spoke.
"Oh hush, yourself, it's true, the boy needs to eat." She narrowed her eyes at him before letting her face settle into a smile which broadened to include Luka in it. "I would bet he doesn't eat too many homecooked meals, am I right?" She put her full attention on the younger man as she filled coffee cups then finally took her own seat.
"I cook, but not like this." It was the best he could offer in his defense and when the woman simply laughed in response he abandoned it and picked up his fork.
"You cook, like my Martin I would guess, open a can, or put something in the microwave." The tone in her voice was non-threatening and there was no doubt that she was simply teasing.
"I used to do more." Luka swallowed the bite of pancakes he had speared, before continuing. "I just get tired of cooking for one, and it's easier to order in."
"You're always welcome here, Luka, I like having a young man with an appetite at my table again." Ingrid reached around the table to touch her husband's arm, well aware that she was treading the line he had warned her of crossing.
"Thank you...I'm afraid I wouldn't exactly say I have much of an appetite these days though." He again found it necessary to offer the apology even as he took another bite.
"It'll come, you just have to give it time." She glanced to her husband before dipping her head slightly in deference to the unspoken warning she read in his eyes. "I know, I promised not to nag, but you can't fault me for being honest."
In lieu of answering the man simply shook his head which prompted the woman to rise so she could give him a light kiss on his cheek before retrieving the coffeepot to refill barely touched cups. As Luka watched the exchange he was once more left to question whether the couple's behaviors were what he might have expected to look forward to had Danijela not been taken from him. There was no doubt in his mind that they would have grown old together, he had known that from the first moment he had seen her. The feeling of sadness that accompanied the thought was almost immediate and as it rose Luka laid his fork on the edge of his plate, feeling whatever appetite he'd had vanish with it.
"You're not done already?" Ingrid glanced at the still full plate as she retook her seat.
"I'm sorry." He wrapped his hands around the coffeecup with the apology, unable to ignore the look of disappointment on the woman's face even as she tried to hide it.
"I'll just cover it, maybe you'll feel like eating more later." Ingrid rose as she spoke and without waiting for his reply picked up his plate. "You'll at least drink your milk and juice?"
"Ingrid." Martin carefully folded his paper as he began to speak. "I know you mean well, but."
"It's all right, really." Luka caught the exchanged glances between the couple and without giving himself time to think, interrupted. "I don't mind." As if to prove the statement he picked up the glass of milk and took a long drink.
"I'm an old woman, I can't help it." The woman smiled broadly then tossed her husband a look that clearly said, I told you so, and left her husband shaking his head in defeat.
to be continued...
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Healing
Jan 23, 2009 4:08:28 GMT 10
Post by FicWriter on Jan 23, 2009 4:08:28 GMT 10
Healing
(A follow-up to the Congo arc, this story interweaves with the actually aired episodes.)
Chapter 29/30
by JD
It would have been easy for him to leave after breakfast was finished, if he was honest with himself he knew that was what he really wanted to do. So why hadn't he? Neither of the Johannessons had made an issue out of his loss of appetite. When the doctor had excused himself shortly after and retreated to his office, Luka had been left sitting at the table as his wife cleared the dishes. When she had finished and invited him to join her on the patio he didn't even think about his reply before accepting. So, how did he explain it?
While a part of him felt like he was intruding in their lives, there was another part that was thriving on the sense of family he felt in their presence. Could it be as simple as that? As many reminders as being around the two brought, was it possible that those were the very things he so desperately needed to be around?
"Luka...could you help me for a few minutes?" It was Mrs. Johannesson's voice that stirred him from his thoughts and he quickly located her kneeling on a small pad at the edge of one of her flower beds. "Why don't you come over and keep me company while I pull weeds?"
At the request Luka rose, the option of refusing not even entering his mind. "I'm afraid I'm not very good with plants" The apology came as he settled himself on the sidewalk beside her.
"Who told you that?" Ingrid glanced over to him momentarily before returning to her task.
"My wife..." He swallowed after a moment's hesitation, then found himself continuing without prompting. "Danijela, she was always wanting to have things growing inside, more so later, when we were in Vukovar."
"Luka..." Ingrid stopped and returned her eyes to him before laying a hand on his arm. "You don't have to talk about it."
"No, it's all right, I haven't thought about this for a long time." He managed a halfhearted smile before lowering his eyes. "She said she wanted to bring the outside inside for the children."
"I understand, I love to have growing things around me." The woman's own smile met his before she patted his arm and returned to her weeding. "It's not so difficult to do the weeding, and I find it relaxes me." The invitation was clear in the comment and after watching to see what she was pulling for a minute Luka reached for one in front of him.
"Luka, would I be a meddling old woman if I asked you how old your children were?" The question came quietly without any interruption in her actions.
"No, it's okay..." He paused and let his eyes rest on a point past her for a moment before bringing them back to her. "My daughter, Jasna, she was five, and my son, Marko, was almost 18 months." He stopped again to wet his lips. "I've talked about them more in the last few weeks then I have in years."
"Sometimes that can be better then not talking about them, don't you think?" The woman watched for his reaction to the questioning, ready to stop the moment it seemed to be getting difficult or painful.
"I never said much about them at work...people knew they had died, but not really how." He reached for a weed as if needing the distraction of doing something to make the conversation easier. "I think it made them uncomfortable...no one knew what to say so they didn't say anything, and if they were talking about their families, they thought they had to stop when I came too close."
"How did that make you feel?" Ingrid had returned her attention to her weeding as well, making Luka less the focus of attention as they talked.
"I don't know..." Luka shrugged, then fell into silence for several minutes. "There were times I wanted to talk about them...times I did. I think it was harder for those listening, they didn't really know what to say." He fingered the weed in his hand, breaking the clumps of soil from it's roots as he let his own words settle within himself.
"I'm sure it must have been hard, especially when there were so many good things you probably wanted to tell them about your wife or your children." Even as she offered the comfort she knew her husband would have had a fit over the conversation. He'd warned her about prying, but how could she not give him chance to talk if he needed to?
"Yeah..." Luka dropped the weed in the pile between them then brought his eyes to the woman, why was it so easy to talk to her? He couldn't help smiling as the question surfaced, which brought a smile to her face as well.
"You're a good man, Luka...and no matter how hard it may be for you to see it sometimes, I know you were a good husband and father too." Mrs. Johannesson brushed the dirt from her hands before touching his arm as she spoke. After squeezing it gently she withdrew. "I don't want you to think of talking to me as part of your work with my husband either. So, if you ever feel like just talking about anything, all you have to do is ask." She let her eyes linger on him a moment more as her smile deepened. "It's nice to have someone in the garden with me, even if he does pull out some of my flowers instead of the weeds." The last came with a soft laugh as she noticed the "weed" he held in his hand.
"Oh...I'm sorry." Luka's realization prompted a look of mortification from him that again caused the woman to chuckle. "It's all right, it's nothing that can't be fixed." Reaching over she took the stalk from him and proceeded to show him how to replant it, once finished she returned her attention to him. "You're doing fine." Her smile again filled her face as she spoke, and somehow Luka couldn't help feeling the words were meant to encompass more then just his work in her garden.
to be continued...
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Healing
Jan 24, 2009 8:03:05 GMT 10
Post by FicWriter on Jan 24, 2009 8:03:05 GMT 10
Healing
Finale
A follow-up to the Congo arc, this story interweaves with the actually aired episodes
by JD
The days were growing warmer, and there was no denying that spring would soon be here. He'd begun to look forward to the mornings he was spending in the garden with Ingrid as much as he did the afternoon sessions with her husband. Sitting now, alone, on the patio he no longer found the gloom of his past stealing the mood from him. When was the last time he felt so at ease? No, not at ease, it was more then that, for the first time since he'd lost his family he could admit to being at peace with himself. Despite all that had surfaced in the daily sessions with the doctor. Despite the pain he'd been forced to relive. Despite the horrors he'd revisited. Yes, despite all those things, he could still say he was at peace with them.
Luka shook his head, disbelief still lingering. All of the years he had wasted because he wouldn't, no, not wouldn't, because he couldn't bear to face so much of his life. All of the things he'd suppressed so deeply that even he had forgotten they existed. Sure there were lapses, how could there not be? Even he knew those were to be expected, the difference now was that they no longer caused him to withdraw, to retreat into himself, or worse, to run away.
Leaning back into the patio chair Luka squinted up into the early afternoon sun. He wasn't running anymore. He wasn't hiding. Most importantly, for the first time in far too long he wasn't afraid of his past. Lifting his hand he fingered the crucifix Chance's mother had given him. For so long he had thought his faith gone but he could no longer deny the signs of it's strength in him anymore then he could fail to recognize those people who had shown him the way back to it. Some, like the Bishop, he'd resisted at first, but in the end he knew he had loved the man and his death had left a void he'd thought impossible to fill. Other's like Chance and her mother had caught him unaware, angels in the midst of carnage.
He found himself smiling at the reminders, a smile that came much easier now. Lastly there was the Johannessons, Martin and Ingrid. The couple had welcomed him into their home, embraced him as if he had always been part of their lives, and in turn he had found room in his heart for them. He would never know the point at which it happened. That one moment when he felt the one thing he had never thought to feel again. Through the couple he had regained the hardest thing he had lost, the one thing that had been missing for too long, a sense of family.
Even that seemed unreal in retrospect, he had a family, his father, uncles, aunts, but they were so far away and the Johannessons were here. He'd run away for so long, afraid to see in the faces of those he loved, what he least wanted to see. He couldn't blame them, they shared his losses, but that didn't make the looks any less painful to endure. There was more to it though, in truth, he'd been afraid to let anyone close enough to see what he felt he needed to hide. Afraid that if they learned those truths it would only further define the man he'd become, the man he no longer wished to be. The Johannessons had seen that man, little by little over the past months they had peeled away the layers and cast them aside. Through them he had revealed to himself aspects of his own personality that he'd been unable to face himself.
"Luka, lunch will be ready in about fifteen minutes, wash up now, and don't track mud on my clean floor when you come in." Ingrid Johannesson's voice interrupted his thoughts and he glanced to the door in response.
"Be right in." The journey wasn't over, even he knew that. It had taken twelve years to reach the place that had led him to the couple. For the first time in all those years though, he saw an end to it, and at that end, hope. Luka found a chuckle bubbling up inside him. His life hadn't ended with Danijela and the children, he knew that now. He'd believed the lie because he had need it to survive at the time. How else could he have endured their losses? He'd had to blame himself, had to blame God, because it was all he could do at the time. No more.
Rising he let his eyes move across the garden, all he had lived through, all the losses, the people that had entered and left his life, they were the reason he was here. Without them, without all of them he wouldn't exist, they had shaped him into the man he was now. How could he have ever imagined that he could feel grateful for having lived through such tragedy? He touched the crucifix again and found his gaze drawn to the sky, they were always with him, he knew that now as well, and in that he found the deepest truth. One day they would reunite, and until that day he would live his life to the fullest, with no regrets, and that in itself gave him the greatest peace of all.
The End
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