Post by Chephren on Dec 11, 2008 21:16:11 GMT 10
Out of some news I received this morning
Hope some will like this
When I'm awaking, I know it's already late. The day light coming through the blinds of the window is strong and steady, warm, bothering my eyes. I have to blink a few times, trying to evacuate the tiredness of my eyelids. I wish I could move and get off of the bed but my body isn't responding. I'm drained. Completly, totally exhausted, but happy. I can feel it in my heart. The sweetest sensation ever. I know I have nothing to do today but enjoy everything that is about to happen. So it's ok. It's ok if I stay in bed. I adjust the covers tighly around me and my eyes take a look of the ring resting on my finger. I can't help the swell of my heart as I study it once again. I love it. It belongs here. I can't imagine not having it.
My mind is about to drift into memories when I heard noises coming from outside of my room. Somebody's cooking over there. A loving smile spread on my lips. I know damn well who it is. I can even picture him in my head, taking a pan from under the sink, fighting a moment with the gas to make it burn. All his moves, his habits, how he's going to dispatch the plates on the counter, open the shelf for glasses... I hear the fridge's door when he takes the juice. I've watch him do it so many times. As I think about him I feel another wave of happiness crashing over me again. I'm no longer surprised or even scared about it, and as much as I love it and enjoy it each single time, I'm used to it. I know now that this IS life. It is. I'm not saying my husband and I never had fights... believe me... I can remember a few of them, pretty nasty even... But it's a part of it. To disagree, to argue, to ignore and then to go over it, by talking, by kissing, by making love. I have to say these are the part I remember the most. I can feel myself blush slighly. Love.
I have no idea how I've reached it. I've been so sure I'd never experience it, I mean, everything I have today. It was only a dream, a dream I wouldn't even let myself think about. And then, him. Luka Kovac. I'm pretty sure one can even fall in love with only the name. But it's nothing compare to the guy. I'll always remember the first time I saw him. Thank god I wasn't alone, it helped me keeping myself decent. I tried to joke about it, but the truth is, it's been my first and only crush on someone. First of all, there are his eyes. They are so special. Not that casual blue you can see usually. The blue in it is expertly mix with grey, green and slight touches of yellow. I swear. You can only see it if you have the possibility to stare at him very closely. It gives him the ability of lightning a whole place by just walking in, see right through my very soul, push all my doubts away, make me feel safe and apart from the hurt of the world. Next second they could be as dark as mine. That happened a lot before, when he was thinking of his first wife, of their kids. Grief, sadness, guilt, does that to him. And then, it happened more and more. I've been worry at first but then I realised that they turn dark when he wants me, too. Whilst love making they would turn completly black. With lust.
Memories are taking me away for a moment. Sensations. Feelings. Sleep and dreams. When I finally come back to my senses, I realise there's no more noise coming from the rest of the house, and I wonder what Joe is doing. Joe. Our son. The one thing we created out of that deep Love I was talking about. With his own presence besides me, Joe is the most precious gift he ever offered to me. If he was here, he would tell you that I did offered this gift to him, but since he's not here right now, I can tell you the truth. The truth is, that if it hadn't been for him, there would have been no baby. I know it. And as much as I've been scared to death before he was born, unsure of my abilities of beeing a good mother, unsure of Luka and I new relationship, unsure of my reaction and our life if the baby ended bipolar, well, unsure of everything, the only fact I knew for sure was that he would be a wonderful father. And that he wanted it. He wanted to have a child... again. And it was for him, it was for him that I started to imagined what our life could be with a child. He is the only one having that power over me. To go against everything I've ever felt and realise that I wanted it too. I remember wondering what he wanted the most, having a baby or having me. Those questions faded when I realised that he didn't have to choose and that it was just unfair to look at it this way. And when he though I have had the abortion, he came to find me, telling me that he didn't want everything that we had to come down to this one decision. And I just knew. I knew that I've been right. I knew that he didn't love me because of the potential baby but that we will have and raised the baby because he loved me and because I loved him.
I let sleep overtake me for awhile, warm and content, happy to lie on this bed, with nothing else to worry about than the eggs that have been prepared earlier are going to be cold.
I wake up much later, feeling better. It's dark now outside but I don't care, my back doesn't hurt anymore and that's a real relief. I know what has been awaking me when I hear a kid giggling somewhere in the living room. I love that sound. He's laughing now and I bet his father is making that goofy face on that purpose. It's like music to my ear. A smile is coming back on my face. I hear them talking softly and I try to understand
- Daddy, is she still sleeping?
- I Don't know... We need to go and check.
Then I hear it, footsteps outside the door of the bedroom, light footsteps trying to be as soft as possible in case I'd actually be asleep. The knob turns and the door cracks open slowly. I know he's holding his breath in order to make as less noise as he can. I have to smile as that. It's so sweet. So caring. They both are. For a second or two, I stare at my son who's head just appeared. He's his father. So much. I see Luka in the way Joe talks, in the way he moves, in the way he looks at me, in his long fingers now strocking the wooden door of the bedroom. His eyes are trying hard to accustumed to the darkness here and then he sees that my eyes are open.
- Mom?
He crosses the room and sits on the edge of the bed next to me. I smile at him and he answers me with one of his own. There. That's Luka's too. Love is all around with only one smile that the man of my life gave to our son.
This is probably why it has been so unbearably bearable for the last two years.
- Can I get you anything Mom?
His voice is full of concern.
Before I can answer, we hear a voice coming from the door.
- Is she awake, daddy?
Joe's eyes never leaves mine as he answers his son softly.
- Yeah, come over here Jossip.
Waiting for the little boy to reach the bed, Joe takes my hand in his, squeezes it and then kisses it for a long time, his eyes shut. My free hand moves to his cheek on its own. I love him so much and I'm so proud of my little boy. He's such a good beeing. According to Luka it's only because of me, but I know he's wrong. He's way better than I am.
Little Jossip is crawling on my bed and sits besides me, opposite side from his father. He kisses my cheek and starts telling me about this last two days. How school is going, his friends, his girlfriend (her name is Amy, he talks about her all the time...), that the dog is getting after after the surgery. He talks and talks and talks again. Joe and I are both looking at him with tender smiles on our lips. He's a wonderful little guy.
I remember the day Joe told his father and I that he and Karen were having a baby. Luka was completly thrilled, forgetting that they were having a fight about a stupid car only minutes earlier. And when one day, a few months later, he called us, she had been three weeks early to give birth to a beautiful and perfect little boy. Joe was almost 30 at the time but when Luka and I arrived at the hospital, he kissed me and handed me the precious present and he stood in front of Luka for a few seconds before running into his embrace, hot and silent tears falling down both their faces.
I'm still overwhelmed at the picture. This is all because of Luka and me. We created all of this on a november night and decided to go with this and our love on a cold january afternoon. And now I'm here, looking at this little one, so full of life and love. And he's here because of Joe, who's here because of Luka. Oh and me. I created this. Me. Abbigail Wyczenski. Dr Abby Lockhart and the best of all: Mrs Abby Kovac.
I don't know since how long I'm reviving those things but when I look around me, Joe is still here, holding my hand, with his thumb stroking it in a loving motion, Jossip has fallen asleep the other side of me, his mouth slighty open, a lock of dark hair on his forehead. So like Luka. We hear the front door opening and closing.
- It should be Karen, she went to walk Chaps.
Joe explains me.
Chaps is the dog. Joe had been bothering us with a dog for years, but with our crazy life... we always refused. He wanted to be a vet. He was very sure of him. I have to say I've been slightly disapointed that he didn't want to be a doctor like Luka and I, but it was his choice and he loves it. That is was really matters to me. Chaps entered our family while Joe was deep in his studies, he has no familly and nobody could take him so he "offered" him to us... kids you know.... And Chaps is still here. Joe has taking really good care of him, it has to be the reason why he's still holding on. It's a good dog, he spends most of his time sleeping near my bed, secretly looking over me.
- Joe... She's eight and half months pregnant, she shouldn't be walking the dog.
- She wanted to mom... You know her, there's nothing I can say to make her change her mind. You're both very alike...
He laughed soflty.
I feel very tired again but so good and there's something else I can feel. But I can't name it.
- You should take him to his bed Joe. It's probably very late.
- Yes it is. Do you want to drink something?
I only nodd my head, not trusting my voice anymore.
He leans toward me and kisses my forehead in a gesture I know damn well. This kiss lingers for a while and when he leans back I see the tears in his eyes. He knows. It will happen soon. He stands up and turn around the bed, taking his son in his arms, the exact same way Luka had done so many time with him and head toward the door. He's about to leave the room when he says:
- I'll be right back Mom.
I smile and he's gone.
I know it's time. I'm not scared, but I hope Luka was right. I hope there's a God and a place for our souls. No matter where it is. I want to be with him again. I want to feel him. No matter that our bodys became old, our Love never did. I still love him, even if he's been gone for two years, I still feel him, thanks to Joe, mostly, and thanks to all the changes inside of me .
In the wall on my right, dozens of pictures frames catch my eyes. Luka, me and Joe just after we went back from the NICU, the three of us sitting on the couch, Luka and I smiling widely with tiny Joe asleep in his arms. Near it, is a picture from our wedding day. Our "surprise" wedding. Us, for the first time as Husband and Wife, surrunded by all our friends from County. It has been such a night... Picture of our first Christmas in Croatia with Luka's family. Another one of a summer at the beach, Joe mustn't be more that 5 I think, my mum and Eric were both here. That one is from Joe graduation's day and this one of him and Karen. Jossip owns a big one, a portrait Luka took on his birthday. I believe it was the last picture he ever took... And there's my favorite. Just the two of us, beeing completly lost in each other eyes while dancing on New Year's Eve...
He left me way too early, and I had to stay around here alone for two years. It had been hard, so hard not to be with him, not to sleep near him, I have miss him every single day on my life ever since. It wasn't his fault. He had a stroke while driving. I know the doctors made everything they could to bring him back but it was just impossible. It broke my heart. Litteraly. To see him lying on a gurney, his skin so cold under my fingers. It was so unfair. we should have had so many more time together. I still feel like if I never said enough that I love him.
I hear Joe coming down from Jossip's room. He's in the kitchen, probably getting me some water, but my eyes are closing already and his footsteps are getting further and further instead of closer. I don't hear him call me when he comes back in my room. I can see the glass of water he was holding breaking on the wooden floor but it makes no sound. I can't even feel the warmth of his hands as he tries to shake me awake. I see him say that he loves me over and over again but I can't hear is voice. But that's ok, because I already know it and he knows that I love him too, more than anything else in that world. He must believed that I'm into the forever night now, but he's wrong, it's dawn here, a moment of the day Luka loved more that any other, and I can't help the feeling taking me over. Happiness. Again. I know that our story isn't over yet. We both still live within our son and his children. Nothing is ever over when it comes to Love.
Hope some will like this
When I'm awaking, I know it's already late. The day light coming through the blinds of the window is strong and steady, warm, bothering my eyes. I have to blink a few times, trying to evacuate the tiredness of my eyelids. I wish I could move and get off of the bed but my body isn't responding. I'm drained. Completly, totally exhausted, but happy. I can feel it in my heart. The sweetest sensation ever. I know I have nothing to do today but enjoy everything that is about to happen. So it's ok. It's ok if I stay in bed. I adjust the covers tighly around me and my eyes take a look of the ring resting on my finger. I can't help the swell of my heart as I study it once again. I love it. It belongs here. I can't imagine not having it.
My mind is about to drift into memories when I heard noises coming from outside of my room. Somebody's cooking over there. A loving smile spread on my lips. I know damn well who it is. I can even picture him in my head, taking a pan from under the sink, fighting a moment with the gas to make it burn. All his moves, his habits, how he's going to dispatch the plates on the counter, open the shelf for glasses... I hear the fridge's door when he takes the juice. I've watch him do it so many times. As I think about him I feel another wave of happiness crashing over me again. I'm no longer surprised or even scared about it, and as much as I love it and enjoy it each single time, I'm used to it. I know now that this IS life. It is. I'm not saying my husband and I never had fights... believe me... I can remember a few of them, pretty nasty even... But it's a part of it. To disagree, to argue, to ignore and then to go over it, by talking, by kissing, by making love. I have to say these are the part I remember the most. I can feel myself blush slighly. Love.
I have no idea how I've reached it. I've been so sure I'd never experience it, I mean, everything I have today. It was only a dream, a dream I wouldn't even let myself think about. And then, him. Luka Kovac. I'm pretty sure one can even fall in love with only the name. But it's nothing compare to the guy. I'll always remember the first time I saw him. Thank god I wasn't alone, it helped me keeping myself decent. I tried to joke about it, but the truth is, it's been my first and only crush on someone. First of all, there are his eyes. They are so special. Not that casual blue you can see usually. The blue in it is expertly mix with grey, green and slight touches of yellow. I swear. You can only see it if you have the possibility to stare at him very closely. It gives him the ability of lightning a whole place by just walking in, see right through my very soul, push all my doubts away, make me feel safe and apart from the hurt of the world. Next second they could be as dark as mine. That happened a lot before, when he was thinking of his first wife, of their kids. Grief, sadness, guilt, does that to him. And then, it happened more and more. I've been worry at first but then I realised that they turn dark when he wants me, too. Whilst love making they would turn completly black. With lust.
Memories are taking me away for a moment. Sensations. Feelings. Sleep and dreams. When I finally come back to my senses, I realise there's no more noise coming from the rest of the house, and I wonder what Joe is doing. Joe. Our son. The one thing we created out of that deep Love I was talking about. With his own presence besides me, Joe is the most precious gift he ever offered to me. If he was here, he would tell you that I did offered this gift to him, but since he's not here right now, I can tell you the truth. The truth is, that if it hadn't been for him, there would have been no baby. I know it. And as much as I've been scared to death before he was born, unsure of my abilities of beeing a good mother, unsure of Luka and I new relationship, unsure of my reaction and our life if the baby ended bipolar, well, unsure of everything, the only fact I knew for sure was that he would be a wonderful father. And that he wanted it. He wanted to have a child... again. And it was for him, it was for him that I started to imagined what our life could be with a child. He is the only one having that power over me. To go against everything I've ever felt and realise that I wanted it too. I remember wondering what he wanted the most, having a baby or having me. Those questions faded when I realised that he didn't have to choose and that it was just unfair to look at it this way. And when he though I have had the abortion, he came to find me, telling me that he didn't want everything that we had to come down to this one decision. And I just knew. I knew that I've been right. I knew that he didn't love me because of the potential baby but that we will have and raised the baby because he loved me and because I loved him.
I let sleep overtake me for awhile, warm and content, happy to lie on this bed, with nothing else to worry about than the eggs that have been prepared earlier are going to be cold.
I wake up much later, feeling better. It's dark now outside but I don't care, my back doesn't hurt anymore and that's a real relief. I know what has been awaking me when I hear a kid giggling somewhere in the living room. I love that sound. He's laughing now and I bet his father is making that goofy face on that purpose. It's like music to my ear. A smile is coming back on my face. I hear them talking softly and I try to understand
- Daddy, is she still sleeping?
- I Don't know... We need to go and check.
Then I hear it, footsteps outside the door of the bedroom, light footsteps trying to be as soft as possible in case I'd actually be asleep. The knob turns and the door cracks open slowly. I know he's holding his breath in order to make as less noise as he can. I have to smile as that. It's so sweet. So caring. They both are. For a second or two, I stare at my son who's head just appeared. He's his father. So much. I see Luka in the way Joe talks, in the way he moves, in the way he looks at me, in his long fingers now strocking the wooden door of the bedroom. His eyes are trying hard to accustumed to the darkness here and then he sees that my eyes are open.
- Mom?
He crosses the room and sits on the edge of the bed next to me. I smile at him and he answers me with one of his own. There. That's Luka's too. Love is all around with only one smile that the man of my life gave to our son.
This is probably why it has been so unbearably bearable for the last two years.
- Can I get you anything Mom?
His voice is full of concern.
Before I can answer, we hear a voice coming from the door.
- Is she awake, daddy?
Joe's eyes never leaves mine as he answers his son softly.
- Yeah, come over here Jossip.
Waiting for the little boy to reach the bed, Joe takes my hand in his, squeezes it and then kisses it for a long time, his eyes shut. My free hand moves to his cheek on its own. I love him so much and I'm so proud of my little boy. He's such a good beeing. According to Luka it's only because of me, but I know he's wrong. He's way better than I am.
Little Jossip is crawling on my bed and sits besides me, opposite side from his father. He kisses my cheek and starts telling me about this last two days. How school is going, his friends, his girlfriend (her name is Amy, he talks about her all the time...), that the dog is getting after after the surgery. He talks and talks and talks again. Joe and I are both looking at him with tender smiles on our lips. He's a wonderful little guy.
I remember the day Joe told his father and I that he and Karen were having a baby. Luka was completly thrilled, forgetting that they were having a fight about a stupid car only minutes earlier. And when one day, a few months later, he called us, she had been three weeks early to give birth to a beautiful and perfect little boy. Joe was almost 30 at the time but when Luka and I arrived at the hospital, he kissed me and handed me the precious present and he stood in front of Luka for a few seconds before running into his embrace, hot and silent tears falling down both their faces.
I'm still overwhelmed at the picture. This is all because of Luka and me. We created all of this on a november night and decided to go with this and our love on a cold january afternoon. And now I'm here, looking at this little one, so full of life and love. And he's here because of Joe, who's here because of Luka. Oh and me. I created this. Me. Abbigail Wyczenski. Dr Abby Lockhart and the best of all: Mrs Abby Kovac.
I don't know since how long I'm reviving those things but when I look around me, Joe is still here, holding my hand, with his thumb stroking it in a loving motion, Jossip has fallen asleep the other side of me, his mouth slighty open, a lock of dark hair on his forehead. So like Luka. We hear the front door opening and closing.
- It should be Karen, she went to walk Chaps.
Joe explains me.
Chaps is the dog. Joe had been bothering us with a dog for years, but with our crazy life... we always refused. He wanted to be a vet. He was very sure of him. I have to say I've been slightly disapointed that he didn't want to be a doctor like Luka and I, but it was his choice and he loves it. That is was really matters to me. Chaps entered our family while Joe was deep in his studies, he has no familly and nobody could take him so he "offered" him to us... kids you know.... And Chaps is still here. Joe has taking really good care of him, it has to be the reason why he's still holding on. It's a good dog, he spends most of his time sleeping near my bed, secretly looking over me.
- Joe... She's eight and half months pregnant, she shouldn't be walking the dog.
- She wanted to mom... You know her, there's nothing I can say to make her change her mind. You're both very alike...
He laughed soflty.
I feel very tired again but so good and there's something else I can feel. But I can't name it.
- You should take him to his bed Joe. It's probably very late.
- Yes it is. Do you want to drink something?
I only nodd my head, not trusting my voice anymore.
He leans toward me and kisses my forehead in a gesture I know damn well. This kiss lingers for a while and when he leans back I see the tears in his eyes. He knows. It will happen soon. He stands up and turn around the bed, taking his son in his arms, the exact same way Luka had done so many time with him and head toward the door. He's about to leave the room when he says:
- I'll be right back Mom.
I smile and he's gone.
I know it's time. I'm not scared, but I hope Luka was right. I hope there's a God and a place for our souls. No matter where it is. I want to be with him again. I want to feel him. No matter that our bodys became old, our Love never did. I still love him, even if he's been gone for two years, I still feel him, thanks to Joe, mostly, and thanks to all the changes inside of me .
In the wall on my right, dozens of pictures frames catch my eyes. Luka, me and Joe just after we went back from the NICU, the three of us sitting on the couch, Luka and I smiling widely with tiny Joe asleep in his arms. Near it, is a picture from our wedding day. Our "surprise" wedding. Us, for the first time as Husband and Wife, surrunded by all our friends from County. It has been such a night... Picture of our first Christmas in Croatia with Luka's family. Another one of a summer at the beach, Joe mustn't be more that 5 I think, my mum and Eric were both here. That one is from Joe graduation's day and this one of him and Karen. Jossip owns a big one, a portrait Luka took on his birthday. I believe it was the last picture he ever took... And there's my favorite. Just the two of us, beeing completly lost in each other eyes while dancing on New Year's Eve...
He left me way too early, and I had to stay around here alone for two years. It had been hard, so hard not to be with him, not to sleep near him, I have miss him every single day on my life ever since. It wasn't his fault. He had a stroke while driving. I know the doctors made everything they could to bring him back but it was just impossible. It broke my heart. Litteraly. To see him lying on a gurney, his skin so cold under my fingers. It was so unfair. we should have had so many more time together. I still feel like if I never said enough that I love him.
I hear Joe coming down from Jossip's room. He's in the kitchen, probably getting me some water, but my eyes are closing already and his footsteps are getting further and further instead of closer. I don't hear him call me when he comes back in my room. I can see the glass of water he was holding breaking on the wooden floor but it makes no sound. I can't even feel the warmth of his hands as he tries to shake me awake. I see him say that he loves me over and over again but I can't hear is voice. But that's ok, because I already know it and he knows that I love him too, more than anything else in that world. He must believed that I'm into the forever night now, but he's wrong, it's dawn here, a moment of the day Luka loved more that any other, and I can't help the feeling taking me over. Happiness. Again. I know that our story isn't over yet. We both still live within our son and his children. Nothing is ever over when it comes to Love.
. 
