Post by FicWriter on Mar 7, 2009 3:51:56 GMT 10
Christmas in Croatia
(a fic written for the community Writers Muses on Live Journal.)
by JD
There are so many mixed feelings surrounding this year's Christmas celebrations, and while I want to make the holiday something that Joe will remember with happiness, I still can't deny the sadness that is here as well. It's not just the reminders of those long gone, the sense of emptiness the day brings when I think of Danijela and our children and all the Christmases they never saw. To those losses this year we'll add the more recent loss of Tata, the only comfort coming in knowing that he and Mama can at long last be re-united. Watching Joe's joy as he helps Niko and I decorate the tree, I can't help too but feel Abby's absence, and I can only imagine the pain she must be feeling at not sharing in all this. I know that she needs this time to discover what it is in her that allowed her to undo all the gains she had made in controlling her addiction, but, it doesn't make her not being here any less difficult. It doesn't make her any less missed.
I think of what is still to come for this evening, from the traditional fish dinner which we'll share with friends of Tata before returning home to open presents with Joe. The last will be the hardest I think, if only because it will bring me closer to Danijela and our children then I have been since I laid them to rest. I can't say when I last attended a Midnight Mass, for too many years I let my anger at God eat away at my faith, going so far as to deny that it even remained. I can't do that anymore, and in the time since I'd found out my father was ill and even more since his death, I have found a strength in it that has allowed me to go on when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and grieve for the loss of him.
The Mass tonight will be a first for Joe, but, hopefully not his last. I know now that I want Joe to feel the comfort of the Church that I knew as a child, and to know that God will be there for him should he need him to confide in. As I light candles for those no longer with us, for the first time in too long I will call up their memories with joy, sharing them with him, so he will know those that he carries with him even if they will never meet. I want the holiday to be about more then just the giving of gifts, I want this to become a time of remembrance, and of love. Something that Joe will look forward to year after year, and in time, a tradition that he will share with his own children. When the last hymn has been sung, and the last of the candles is extinguished, I can't think of a better gift I could bestow on him that.
The End
*********
Silver Bells
(a fic written for the community Realm of the Muse on Live Journal.)
by JD
Silver Bells
City sidewalks, busy sidewalks
Dressed in holiday style
In the air
There's a feeling
of Christmas
Children laughing
People passing
Meeting smile after smile
And on every street corner
you'll hear
"Busy day for him." Niko kept his voice quiet as he spoke, the sight of his brother with his sleeping son in his arms, one he wasn't ready to see interrupted.
"Busy day for all of us." Luka shifted slightly in his chair, before returning to the soothing act of rubbing Joe's back.
"It was a good day, Luka." Pushing off the doorframe, the elder of the Kovac sons moved to take a seat in their father's chair.
"How could it be a good day?" Luka's voice held disbelief as he began to respond.
"We buried Tata, Joe's separated from his mother at a time when he needs her the most. My wife started drinking again because I abandoned my family..." His words drifted off as they failed him.
"It was a good day because we came together as a family for Tata. Luka, I know we've had our differences over the years, I know we didn't always agree with Tata's treatment, but, we put all that aside today." Niko's voice remained low as he spoke.
"I'm sorry Abby couldn't be here with you, I'm sorry Tata never had a chance to meet her and your son, but, he sees them now, he sees them with you, and he knows how much they mean to you, how much you love them and they love you." He paused, and in that moment of looking up at his brother he caught a glimpse of him much younger, and though his look was the same, his family was larger.
"Luka, you were meant to be a husband and a father and Tata was so happy for you when he learned that you would know that feeling again. That never changed because he hadn't met them. If he wanted one thing for you, this was it, and now, everyday from this one forward he'll be with you, just the way Danijela and the kids have always been with you." Niko found a smile surfacing even as he fought to hold back his own tears.
"I've always been jealous of you, maybe that's why I was angry at you for leaving when you did. I wanted so badly to have what you had, and now, I see it in you all over again." His smile faded, as he finally put to words the resentment he'd held onto for so many years, and that which had caused the rift between them.
"You've been given a gift Luka, a gift that I still can only dream of, and I envy you that, but, if anyone deserves it, you do." Niko finally paused to let his words settle, and for several minutes the only sound in the small room was that of of the Christmas carol playing on the radio. It was hard to know what his brother was thinking, the wall that the other had built up to hide his emotions seemed to be wrapped tightly around him as he held his young son.
Silver bells, silver bells
It's Christmas time in the city
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring
Soon it will be Christmas day
Strings of street lights
Even stop lights
Blink a bright red and green
As the shoppers rush
Home with their treasures
Hear the snow crunch
See the kids bunch
This is Santa's big scene
And above all this bustle
you'll hear
"Luka, as hard as it might be for you to do, it's time you started looking to the future instead of always living in the past. You have so much to look forward to, trust me, everything is going to work out with you and Abby, you have too many angels watching over you for it not to." It didn't surprise him that Luka remained silent as he finished, or that he seemed to hold his young son that much tighter. What did surprise him were the tears that wet his cheeks as his head rested against Joes, and he couldn't help but wonder if God's newest angel weren't already working his magic on both of them. Looking past his brother, Niko found the night skies brightest star, only to whisper.
"Merry Christmas, Tata." Yeah, it was a good day.
Silver bells, silver bells
It's Christmas time in the city
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring
Soon it will be Christmas day.
The End
(a fic written for the community Writers Muses on Live Journal.)
by JD
There are so many mixed feelings surrounding this year's Christmas celebrations, and while I want to make the holiday something that Joe will remember with happiness, I still can't deny the sadness that is here as well. It's not just the reminders of those long gone, the sense of emptiness the day brings when I think of Danijela and our children and all the Christmases they never saw. To those losses this year we'll add the more recent loss of Tata, the only comfort coming in knowing that he and Mama can at long last be re-united. Watching Joe's joy as he helps Niko and I decorate the tree, I can't help too but feel Abby's absence, and I can only imagine the pain she must be feeling at not sharing in all this. I know that she needs this time to discover what it is in her that allowed her to undo all the gains she had made in controlling her addiction, but, it doesn't make her not being here any less difficult. It doesn't make her any less missed.
I think of what is still to come for this evening, from the traditional fish dinner which we'll share with friends of Tata before returning home to open presents with Joe. The last will be the hardest I think, if only because it will bring me closer to Danijela and our children then I have been since I laid them to rest. I can't say when I last attended a Midnight Mass, for too many years I let my anger at God eat away at my faith, going so far as to deny that it even remained. I can't do that anymore, and in the time since I'd found out my father was ill and even more since his death, I have found a strength in it that has allowed me to go on when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and grieve for the loss of him.
The Mass tonight will be a first for Joe, but, hopefully not his last. I know now that I want Joe to feel the comfort of the Church that I knew as a child, and to know that God will be there for him should he need him to confide in. As I light candles for those no longer with us, for the first time in too long I will call up their memories with joy, sharing them with him, so he will know those that he carries with him even if they will never meet. I want the holiday to be about more then just the giving of gifts, I want this to become a time of remembrance, and of love. Something that Joe will look forward to year after year, and in time, a tradition that he will share with his own children. When the last hymn has been sung, and the last of the candles is extinguished, I can't think of a better gift I could bestow on him that.
The End
*********
Silver Bells
(a fic written for the community Realm of the Muse on Live Journal.)
by JD
Silver Bells
City sidewalks, busy sidewalks
Dressed in holiday style
In the air
There's a feeling
of Christmas
Children laughing
People passing
Meeting smile after smile
And on every street corner
you'll hear
"Busy day for him." Niko kept his voice quiet as he spoke, the sight of his brother with his sleeping son in his arms, one he wasn't ready to see interrupted.
"Busy day for all of us." Luka shifted slightly in his chair, before returning to the soothing act of rubbing Joe's back.
"It was a good day, Luka." Pushing off the doorframe, the elder of the Kovac sons moved to take a seat in their father's chair.
"How could it be a good day?" Luka's voice held disbelief as he began to respond.
"We buried Tata, Joe's separated from his mother at a time when he needs her the most. My wife started drinking again because I abandoned my family..." His words drifted off as they failed him.
"It was a good day because we came together as a family for Tata. Luka, I know we've had our differences over the years, I know we didn't always agree with Tata's treatment, but, we put all that aside today." Niko's voice remained low as he spoke.
"I'm sorry Abby couldn't be here with you, I'm sorry Tata never had a chance to meet her and your son, but, he sees them now, he sees them with you, and he knows how much they mean to you, how much you love them and they love you." He paused, and in that moment of looking up at his brother he caught a glimpse of him much younger, and though his look was the same, his family was larger.
"Luka, you were meant to be a husband and a father and Tata was so happy for you when he learned that you would know that feeling again. That never changed because he hadn't met them. If he wanted one thing for you, this was it, and now, everyday from this one forward he'll be with you, just the way Danijela and the kids have always been with you." Niko found a smile surfacing even as he fought to hold back his own tears.
"I've always been jealous of you, maybe that's why I was angry at you for leaving when you did. I wanted so badly to have what you had, and now, I see it in you all over again." His smile faded, as he finally put to words the resentment he'd held onto for so many years, and that which had caused the rift between them.
"You've been given a gift Luka, a gift that I still can only dream of, and I envy you that, but, if anyone deserves it, you do." Niko finally paused to let his words settle, and for several minutes the only sound in the small room was that of of the Christmas carol playing on the radio. It was hard to know what his brother was thinking, the wall that the other had built up to hide his emotions seemed to be wrapped tightly around him as he held his young son.
Silver bells, silver bells
It's Christmas time in the city
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring
Soon it will be Christmas day
Strings of street lights
Even stop lights
Blink a bright red and green
As the shoppers rush
Home with their treasures
Hear the snow crunch
See the kids bunch
This is Santa's big scene
And above all this bustle
you'll hear
"Luka, as hard as it might be for you to do, it's time you started looking to the future instead of always living in the past. You have so much to look forward to, trust me, everything is going to work out with you and Abby, you have too many angels watching over you for it not to." It didn't surprise him that Luka remained silent as he finished, or that he seemed to hold his young son that much tighter. What did surprise him were the tears that wet his cheeks as his head rested against Joes, and he couldn't help but wonder if God's newest angel weren't already working his magic on both of them. Looking past his brother, Niko found the night skies brightest star, only to whisper.
"Merry Christmas, Tata." Yeah, it was a good day.
Silver bells, silver bells
It's Christmas time in the city
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring
Soon it will be Christmas day.
The End
