|
Post by Praline on Aug 22, 2008 17:23:15 GMT 10
Ghosts 23/37
Chapter 23
As he found himself a seat in the waiting room, Father Joe was still questioning his decision to approach the young doctor again. Had he crossed the imaginary lines that separated personal desires from professional advisement's with the man? Had he put his supposed obligation to continue the Bishop's work over what might be in the young doctor's best interest? There was no question that the seminar would prove a great benefit to him, but was his decision to use the Bishop as a means to get him there appropriate?
The Priest drew himself out of his thoughts to look around the packed room. How long had the doctor buried himself in his work as a means to forget his past...5 years...10 years? In that time he had fought to reinvent himself...he had turned from his faith, his country, anything that had served to remind him of who he had been, what he had been. What right did he have now to even ask him to undo that and face those things he had left behind?
The more the questions nagged at him the more Father Joe realized how different he was from the man Bishop Stewart had been. How many times he had envied the Bishop's unique gift for seeing past the walls so many of their parishioners hid behind. The Priest let his gaze settle on a woman nearby, her eyes red from crying, and in that moment he realized what else had eluded him in all of his questioning. As he stood he let his thoughts of the Bishop and the Doctor retreat, before he approached the woman. "Excuse me, my name is Father Joe...you look like you could need some company, do you mind if I join you?"
He'd been helping in the hospital for almost a week and in that short time Angelique had found herself looking for opportunities to watch him. That he had been a good doctor, was still one, was obvious in those times where he let the walls he had built around himself down to reveal it. He was so cautious though, and she had limited his treatment so far to the more minor cases to give him time to ease back into things. She saw the way he listened to what even those patients failed to say and she couldn't help wondering if he saw himself in each of them as well.
Whether it was coincidence, or deliberate, Luka had thus far managed to avoid directly dealing any of the children that found their way in for treatment. It was too soon, he told himself, as each would enter and he found somewhere else to busy himself. Even the simple act of walking across the camp on an errand and having to hear their voices, or worse the sound of their laughter as they played, was enough to tear the barely closed wound of his own losses open again..
Word of the incoming had reached them before the victims of the landmine did and Luka glanced up from the supplies he was unpacking as the more serious were carried in. As each doctor became busy his panic, rose...there were more coming...who would treat them? His stomach seized as the small dark haired girl was carried into the tent and the man paused looking anxiously for a free doctor to treat her. He could feel his breath catch as her appearance triggered one of Danijela and Jasna and he steadied himself on the table as he fought to resist the wave of bile as it rose.
"Luka...I need you." Angelique's voice found it's way into him and he blinked rapidly to clear the images before locating her among the carnage of bloodied bodies. "Can you take the little girl...can you do that for me Sweetie?" Even as she asked she realized what it would take for him to act, but what choice did she have? She cut the fabric away to expose the woman's chest that lay before her...who else could she ask?
He wanted to say no....wanted to run away, but his legs wouldn't budge and when they carried her to the bed near the table his panic rose again. Oh God, no, he stared at the small girl's tear streaked face ..."Jasna..." He spoke the name aloud before he realized it, instantly seeing his daughter in her. <Croatian> "It hurts..." The small girl's voice broke his trance and without another thought he reached for the crutches and crossed the short distance that separated them. "I know it hurts...my name is Luka, I'm going to help make it stop, can you tell me your name?"
"Angelique...time to wake up." Alexander Fletcher had waited until the Captain announced the airplanes descent to wake his companion, though he had been tempted several times earlier. She'd fallen asleep with a folder on her lap and a glance to the picture on top revealed a young man on crutches in what he immediately recognized as a refugee camp. Maybe he had been wrong to ask her to be part of this...to ask her to revisit this part of her career. He glanced to the photo again then back to her face, she'd seemed willing enough when he had approached her on it....she hadn't even asked him to allow her time to think about it. As a small smile found it's way onto her face as she dozed he tried again..."Angelique....we're almost ready to land."
As he rounded the corner to chairs Luka stopped, letting his eyes pan the crowded lobby in search of the Priest. The fact that the man appeared to be offering comfort to a woman did little to ease his own discomfort and he fought the urge to use it as a means of avoiding having to talk to him. No..he had to put this to rest and drawing a breath he approached the two....
to be continued...
|
|
|
Post by Praline on Aug 30, 2008 15:25:26 GMT 10
Ghosts 24/37
Chapter 24 An ER Fanfic following the "Bishop Stewart" arc
The need to stay close to him was strong and as Luka walked away from her, Abby found herself instinctively moving to follow. She'd seen what this had been doing to him, how could she let him face this alone...regardless of what he said. "Abby." She tried to ignore the call from Kerry Weaver as it reached her, her eyes still on Luka's retreating back. He needed her...she had to go. "Abby." The increasing shrillness of her superior's voice stopped her and she turned to face her. "We have an MVA coming in less then five, I want you meeting it...where's Kovac? Has anyone seen him?" The redhead turned her attention to those around her, allowing Abby to cast a sideways glance down the hall again. No..she wouldn't follow him, more importantly she wouldn't pull him away from doing what he felt he needed to do. The decision reached, she turned and without another glance she headed for the doors to the ambulance bay.
"How did you sleep?" Alexander Fletcher asked the question even as he took in the appearance of the woman beside him. "Good.." Angelique Forquet glanced out of the planes window to the city below then returned her attention to her companion, noting that his gaze had dropped to the folder still lying in her lap. Luka..she lay her hand on the top photo as his name found it's way into her thoughts. "Do you keep in touch with all of them?" The question surprised her and she closed the folder with a shake of her head, as if that would silence the thoughts. "Very few of them actually, most don't want to dwell on what they had to go through...I'm a reminder of that."
She reached for her carry-on, intent on sliding the evidence inside. "Is he one of those?" Angelique paused, a look of momentary confusion flooding her face. "Who?" Reaching over Alexander tapped the still exposed portion of the folder. "The young man on the crutches...I've noticed you spend more time looking at his picture then you do the others." Nodding lightly she withdrew the folder again and opened it to fully reveal the photo. "Luka." She glanced down at the frozen image then back up at him. "I don't know where he is now." She let a finger trace the outline of him. "He was so lost when I first spoketo him, all he wanted was to die so he could be with his wife and children." She lifted her gaze to her companion. "They were killed in Vukovar...and he survived...he never really forgave himself for that." She closed the folder again and slid it into the carry-on before offering him a weak smile. "Part of me wants to believe that he remarried and has a new family, he deserved that. I don't know though, I lost touch with him a long time ago."
Alexander reached across the short distance that separated them, laying a hand on hers as she turned away once more to look out the window. When she finally spoke again her voice was softer and he found himself leaning closer to hear her over the noise of the plane. "We tell ourselves not to get attached...but it's hard...especially when they are hurting as much as he was..." She raised a hand to wipe the threatening tears as they formed, her eyes finding his as he began to speak. "I know....but we all do it...we wouldn't be human if we didn't."
"Excuse me...Father? I understand you were looking for me." Even as he spoke Luka was fighting the urge to flee, he didn't have to do this. "Dr. Kovac." The smile that filled the Priest's face was genuine. "I'll be right with you." He turned his attention back to the woman sitting beside him only to lay a hand on her head before sharing a whispered prayer with her. Not wanting to intrude, Luka walked to the windows on the far side of the room, letting his attention wander as he watched those outside. What good would it serve to bring everything to the surface again? That was a lifetime ago..
"Dr. Kovac? " At the unexpected sound of his name he found himself jerked out of his thoughts and he turned suddenly. "Father." He struggled to regain his composure before he revealed too much, as his eyes settled on the man. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you...thank you for seeing me." Unwilling to trust his voice to hide his feelings Luka could only nod. "I've missed you at church and I also wondered if you had made a decision on tomorrow night." Offering little more then a shake of his head Luka let his gaze wander back outside the window....what was he supposed to say? Did the man even realize how hard he had worked to build the walls that kept his ghosts at bay? Now he was supposed to just walk in andlet them be knocked down ....he ran his tongue around the inside of his lips as he searched for the words to explain.
"Dr. Kovac...Luka, if you don't want to come for yourself, come to help the others... you're a doctor, think of what that means." The Priest struggled for just the right words that would accomplish his goal. Releasing a breath, Luka lifted a hand to brush it back through his hair before finally turning to look at the Priest fully. "No one will ask more of you then you are ready to give Luka...but it's time you faced this, it's time you stopped hiding."
|
|
|
Post by Praline on Sept 2, 2008 16:07:51 GMT 10
Ghosts 25/37
Chapter 25
An ER Fanfic following the "Bishop Stewart" arc
Abby lay watching Luka long after he had finally fallen asleep. While he had tried to pretend the meeting with the Priest was a simple social call, nothing more then his desire to check on him, she had known there was much more to it then that. With a sigh she rested her head on his bare chest, then released a soft sigh as his arm curled protectively around her in response to her actions, before his hand settled in the small of her back. Nothing mattered more to her then offering him the sense of security he seemed so desperately to need right now.
Unable to sleep, she found herself focussing on the rise and fall of his chest as she threaded her fingers through the curls that graced it. Would he ever really share all that had happened to him with her? Would he feel he could trust her with the life he had lost so many years ago? "Shh." She whispered the word as he moaned softly in his sleep and she felt his breathing alter in response to what he was seeing in his dreams. "Shh, Luka...it's only a dream..." She lifted a hand to his face, as if the touch alone would be enough to anchor him and allow the memories that seemed to be moving in to fade.
<Croatian>"Luka...we have to leave the city." Danijela's eyes searched out her husbands as they sat together near the window, watching the flashes in the distance. "I'm scared...what if something was to happen to you?" Shifting his attention fully to his wife, Luka drew her to him before folding his arms around her. "Danijela...nothing is going to happen to me." He offered the reassurances softly, keeping the conversation low so as not to wake the two small children who slept nearby. "Would it make you feel safer if you took the children to your parents, or mine?" He lay his cheek against her hair, offering the suggestion even though the thought of being separated from them was one he couldn't bear to imagine. It was almost a relief when he felt her relax against him, "No...we won't leave you, I won't raise them alone, Luka....you're their father, I want you in their life." The shakiness of her words betrayed her deeper emotions and he couldn't help but notice that. "Danijela...your safety...their safety, is what's important. I can't leave now, but you can." He tightened his arms around her before letting his eyes move to the scene outside, drawn by the bright flashes of the explosions in the distance. "I won't leave without you." Danijela's voice had taken a firmer tone and he immediately brought his full attention back to her. "Whatever we go through Luka, we go through as a family."
Luka moaned softly as the words resounded in his mind, the realization that they had proven so untrue strong enough to wake him. Lifting a hand he wiped the wetness from his cheeks before daring to meet Abby's questioning eyes as she raised to look at him. "Luka?" Shaking his head he pulled his eyes away, searching for something....anything to distract him until he could regain his control. "Luka.." Abby's hand on his cheek forced him to look at her and he swept his tongue across his lips in preparation of having to speak. "You have to put some closure to this."
That she would lend voice to what he already knew said much and he blinked back fresh tears with the realization before nodding his ascent. "I'm afraid to give them up..." His voice broke as he spoke. "You won't be giving them up, you'll be letting them rest. Luka, they're gone...they have been for a long time...you can't keep blaming yourself for that." She could feel the tension beneath her and knew he was approaching the need to flee "Danijela would never have wanted you to stop living." Knowing she had entered dangerous ground, Abby sat up, letting the blanket pool around her as she looked down at him.
Seemingly taking his cue from Abby, Luka sat up as well, dragging a hand through his hair as her words worked their way through him. When he finally spoke his voice was quiet and laced with the pain of his losses. "I should have been with them." The tears he had battled to hold back fell with the admission and Abby could do little more then move to him, wrapping her arms around him as she allowed him to grieve his losses. "No, you shouldn't have been. You have to go tonight, Luka, you've held onto this alone for too long...it's time to let it go." Tightening her hold she kissed his hair, knowing that anything else she might say would be lost as he long suppressed grief found an outlet for release.
"It's a good turnout." Alexander Fletcher let his attention shift to the growing audience then back to the Priest who stood beside him. "I wasn't sure what to expect...the Bishop set this in motion before his passing...I just carried through on it for him." Father Joe glanced to the audience as well, unable to hide his disappointment as the one person he had so counted on being present still remained absent. "Alexander." Angelique's voice drew the Priest's attention back and he smiled warmly as the woman joined them. "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting....I got caught up in a conversation with a couple from the Balkans." She lay a hand on her companion's arm as she reached them. "I figured as much." Alexander returned the smile, "Angelique Forquet...may I present Father Joe." He made his way through the introductions quickly before looking back to the those assembled. "I think it's time to begin, if you will excuse me?"
Without waiting for a response the man made his way to the podium, offering a broad smile as the room quieted. "Good evening, my name is Alexander Fletcher, I want to thank all of you for coming, that in itself says much. For many of you I know it was not an easy decision, but the fact you are here says you recognize that it's time to take action.." As he continued to speak he found himself looking from person to person, searching for the signs that would clue him into what he could expect from them as the talk progressed.
As her associate spoke Angelique found herself watching the crowd as well, it had been the same in the earlier cities and would no doubt repeat with those remaining, or so she thought before her attention was drawn as the door opened to admit a late arrival. He entered warily and at his appearance Angelique found herself reaching for the back of a nearby chair to steady herself. It couldn't be...she took in the somber, dark expression, older yes...he would be...but how? Maybe she was only seeing him because she had wanted to so badly, she blinked as if that would clear her vision, it had to be him. "Luka." The name escaped as a whispered confirmation even as she found herself moving towards him.
to be continued...
|
|
|
Post by Praline on Sept 5, 2008 15:53:35 GMT 10
Ghosts 26/37
Chapter 26
Letting him walk out of the door alone was the hardest thing she had ever done, Abby was sure of that. Reaching across the couch she picked up Luka's discarded sweater, burying her face in the soft fibers she inhaled his smell before pulling it over her head. Even up to the last instant...when he'd closed the door behind him she hadn't been sure he would be able to carry through on his promise to the Priest, and actually attend the seminar. He'd been lost most of the day, pacing the room nervously, unable to concentrate on anything for more then a few moments. He'd said almost nothing throughout the long day and her efforts to get him to rest, or even eat had fallen on deaf ears as he battled a stomach in knots. By late afternoon she had given up and found herself feeling as lost as he was.
How many times had she contemplated going to him, willing to offer nothing more then the physical comfort of her body? She inhaled his scent from the sweater, as if that might somehow bring her closer to him as she remembered thinking that her offer might somehow be enough to distract him long enough to find some peace. In the end, she had done nothing but watch helplessly as he moved restlessly around the small space, alternately picking things up as if he had never seen them before then putting them down again. Worse then that though were the times when he moved to the window only to lose himself to the memories of his past as he stared into the gray winter day.
Ultimately he'd given in, unable to refuse the Priest nor the Bishop's final request of him. Even after the decision was made he'd found no peace, and he debated still longer with himself before finally asking that she stay behind. Why was it so hard for him to let her share his life? As she folded her arms around herself and closed her eyes Abby could almost convince herself that it was Luka's arms that held her...but the reality remained. She was here, at a time when he needed her more then ever he had chose to go alone, leaving her waiting while he was left with the ghosts of his past as his companions.
Father Joe followed Angelique's gaze as she shifted her attention to the opening door. As the color fled her face and she reached for the chair to steady herself his instinct was to move towards her, he'dnever know why he failed to act. The expression that moved across her face left him thinking she had seen a ghost, then as she whispered the young doctor's name and began to walk towards him his attention shifted. If the man was aware she was there he hadn't reacted to her at all...no, he hadn't, his eyes hadn't left the podium since he had entered.
The Priest split his attention between the two, there was little doubt in his mind that Luka had shut himself down to everyone in the room but Fletcher, he'd seen the signs before. The young doctor had only entered far enough to put his back to the wall beside the door, as if somehow grounding himself with the contact. Father Joe pulled his eyes away and forced himself to Doctor Forquet, she was still moving towards him, but her pace had slowed, as if she somehow sensed he might panic and flee.
Oh my God, Luka...Angelique was certain he shock of seeing him enter the room would bring on a heart attack. Had Alexander somehow known? Had his invitation to join him been his idea of a grand reunion? She steadied herself on the chair think without thinking released it and started towards him. Was it possible he was taller then she remembered him being? Her eyes swept over him, measuring the man before her against the images of him who played guest in her dreams and memories. He'd put on weight...and his temples held traces of gray...his face looked drawn, tired...but it was his eyes she remembered and as she met them, she saw they still held the sadness in them. He'd entered alone...was he still grieving the family he had lost so many years before?
She slowed as her initial surprise gave way to common sense and caution, he had yet to see her, his attention fully on Alexander as he spoke from the podium. That he hadn't moved any farther then the door spoke to his wariness, but something had forced him to this point...or someone.
He shouldn't have come...that was the thought that continued to dominate all others as he pressed his back against the wall. What had he been thinking? He hadn't...he could already feel the panic rising, the tightening of his chest...the air that seemed no longer to be there. Concentrate on the man at the front...pretend the others aren't here...he fought for control, only to feel it slip a little farther away from his grasp...they were all still here. Why had he agreed to do this? He could feel the catch in his breaths as the unrational sense of panic grew stronger...listen to the words...what words? His head felt like it was filled with a million voices all talking to him at once.
"Luka...Sweetie...look at me...you have to slow your breathing down."
He flinched as the one voice grew louder then the rest, feeling a hand on his arm before he was firmly jerked back to the reality of the present and to the face before him. No... it couldn't be...not here, it had to be a dream, his eyes widened in stunned disbelief.
"Slower...that's good, Sweetie, you're all right." She'd taken hold of his arm again, as if somehow her touch could keep him anchored.
She felt so real, but how had she gotten here? He forced himself to look at her in more detail, using it as a way to chase the panic away and ground himself even more. He wasn't imagining her...she was really here. He was sure his legs weren't going to give way as the reality finally hit, and he lifted a hand to touch her cheek in final confirmation. "Angelique...is it really you?
to be continued...
|
|
|
Post by Praline on Sept 9, 2008 16:01:09 GMT 10
Ghosts 27/37
Chapter 27
An ER Fanfic following the "Bishop Stewart" arc
Watching what he knew had to be a reunion, Father Joe found himself torn, to watch or not to watch? His immediate comparison was to the fascination people had with watching an accident or other traumatic event unfold before them. The morbid curiosity outweighing the knowledge that those involved deserved some sense of privacy.
Glancing to Fletcher for a moment he found himself grateful that the man had continued to speak, even though he was sure he was aware of the drama unfolding at the rear of the room. The impact of his words on those in the audience keeping most of their attention on him and away from the two doctors.
Returning his attention to the two he found himself wondering if the Bishop had arranged the reunion...but how? Had he somehow known the seminar would draw the two together? His forehead creased as he realized the enormity of coincidences that would have had to occur to make it happen. No, he couldn't have done it...there had been no time. The folder that had contained the young doctor's file had come after his death, he had opened it himself, he wouldn't even have known of the woman's existence, let alone her connection to him. Even having read the file he hadn't made the connection when he had been introduced to her, she'd simply been a name in his files, one of many who had held pieces of his life in trust for him.
No, he was sure this had not been prearranged with her, her reaction at first seeing him, the expression on her face, she had been as surprised at seeing him as he was to her. The question remained...how had it happened?
Angelique found herself battling her own emotions as he touched her cheek, voicing his disbelief even as he tried to maintain some hold on his own. "It's really me, Sweetie." She kept her voice low, her words for his ears alone as she lay her hand over his, he was trembling. As she lifted her eyes to his face she noted the color had fled from it, he was close to fainting, she had seen the symptoms often enough to be sure of that. Whether it was shock, or something else, she had to get him somewhere more private, somewhere away from all the people.
"Sweetie, you need some air...let's go out into the hallway." She knew she couldn't rush him, she wasn't even sure yet that he had fully registered her as being real. As she lay her hand on first his back, then slid it around his waist to steady him she became more convinced of it. She had to get him out of here...somewhere they could be alone, somewhere away from the prying eyes of strangers. "Sweetie...you need to come with me now, it's all right." She kept her voice quiet, coaxing him gently to move to the door and ultimately into the hallway.
Her hand on his might as well have been a jolt of electricity, he was losing it, he was sure of it. Luka's stomach rose and plunged again, the queasiness threatening to envelope him if the dizziness didn't claim him first. She was talking to him...he had to be imagining her...she couldn't be here, not in Chicago, not after so many years...oh God, he was going insane.
He swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry as he struggled to separate what was real from what had to be his imagination...what was happening to him? Listen to the words... focus on the touch...he almost flinched as he felt the weight of her hand on his back....it felt so real. When her arm moved to his waist he latched onto it as if it was a life preserver, her words drawing him closer to reality...she had to be real...oh God, please make her real.
Once she had Luka in the hallway Angelique found it much easier to fully concentrate on his condition. He was still trembling, and his face remained pale, but at least his breathing seemed to be returning to somewhere near normal. Glancing around the empty hallway, Angelique frowned, then brought her attention back to him...no chairs. "Sweetie...I want you to sit down, that's it...take your time." She kept a firm hold on him until he had eased himself to the floor and lay his arms across his knees. As she knelt in front of him she lay a hand on his arm, "You're all right." She continued to offer the reassurances until it seemed the trembling was subsiding.
For five, then ten minutes neither spoke, as if anything said might shatter the fragile hold he had built. When he finally lifted his head and seemed to focus on her she was left with the feeling that he still hadn't fully convinced himself he wasn't lost in a dream. "You aren't dreaming of me Sweetie...I'm here." She couldn't help smiling as the words left her, her hand remaining on his arm even as she spoke.
"But how?" His question was unexpected, and his voice quieter then she remembered. She shook her head slightly, it's a long story...I'll tell you later." He seemed to accept that and he let his head drop as if that act alone had exhausted him. Moving her hand to his head she found herself stroking his hair, using the action as a way of calming herself as well as him. They had so much to talk about, but this was not the time, or the place...
to be continued...
|
|
|
Post by Praline on Sept 12, 2008 17:42:20 GMT 10
Ghosts 28/37
Chapter 28
An ER Fanfic following the "Bishop Stewart" arc
It would be so easy to just surrender to it...that was the lingering thought in his mind as Luka let his head drop to his arms. As Angelique's hand moved through his hair, he could feel himself being lulled into the fog of drowsiness...the place where the ghosts often lurked. He knew it was a mistake to give in to it, he knew he should stay, but it was so close, and he was so tired.
"It's all right, Sweetie." He could hear her voice, quiet, reassuring, safe...her voice had always made him feel safe. His hold on the present drifted farther away, as if he were floating in water and each breath he released seemed to carry him further and further from shore.
It was too hot...he was too hot...shifting restlessly he pushed the thin blanket off of him in a vain attempt to find some relief. The fever left him disoriented, unable to make sense of the mixture of voices and smells that tumbled over themselves in his mind. He groaned in agony as his movements jarred his leg, sending fresh waves of pain cascading over him.
"Shh...Sweetie, try not to move." He heard the woman's voice above all of the others only moments before the damp cloth was laid across his forehead. "I'm going to give you something for the pain." He forced himself to concentrate on the sound of her voice, then opened his eyes slowly, narrowing his attention to her alone. "You're going to feel a sting, Sweetie...then you'll get very sleepy." Her words barely made sense but her tone held a comfort he needed, flicking his tongue across too dry lips he nodded, then closed his eyes again. Anything...the thought lingered...just make the pain go away..
She had taken the pain away, or at least the physical pain, the emotional would not be so easily healed. He had continued to struggle with that long after his body had recovered, but she had never given up on him. Fighting the growing lethargy he lifted his head from his arms. "Angelique." He spoke her name quietly, confirming to himself again then his eyes were not playing tricks on him.
Releasing a smile the woman moved her hand from his hair to his face as she nodded again. It couldn't be easy for him, she knew that, and many years of experience had taught her that he couldn't be rushed. His understanding had to come at his own pace. "Yes, Luka...it's me." She brushed her fingers through the prematurely gray hair at his temples, the smile remaining intact. "Why don't we go and get some coffee...and maybe something to eat?" Normalcy, that was he needed now, simple tasks he could grasp until his mind processed all of this. "Come on, Sweetie...let me help you up."
She had to be patient, and she paused, waiting for him to grasp onto her words before moving to help him stand. Even with her arm around him he was unsteady and she couldn't help but begin to make comparisons to how he had been when she had first met him. "You're doing fine." She offered the reassurances quietly, continuing to whisper to him even as they walked away from the room.
The change on him as soon as they stepped outside the confines of the Church was immediate and left her wondering if it was just the blast of cool night air or something more. He had noticeably relaxed and though he had yet to say anything more, she knew if she released him he would be fine. Did she want to let him go though? After all these years of wondering what had become of him, she finally had him back in her life, was she ready to release him? Could she take the chance that he might run from his past and in turn run from her?
"Angelique?" He spoke her name so softly that she almost didn't hear him over the noise on the street, and when she did he had already stopped walking. Shifting her full attention to his face she offered a soft smile. "Yes, Luka."
"How?" He shook his head, then closed his eyes and opened them again as he tried to force his mind to rational thought.
"How did I find you?" It was Angelique's turn to shake her head. "I didn't know you would be here, Alexander asked me to fill in for a colleague who wasn't able to finish the tour. I'm retired now, it was a chance to come to America, when I saw you, Sweetie...I thought that Alexander had somehow found you and wanted to surprise me. I never forgot you..he knew that, but when I saw your face, I knew you didn't know either." She found her smile deepening as the words of her explanation spilled out. "How are you Luka? Are you still a doctor?" She stopped herself from asking what she next wanted to know from him. Have you allowed yourself to live again, Luka? Have you allowed yourself to be happy? Have you allowed yourself to love again?
How was he? He wasn't sure what he should say in response, should he tell her he thought he was going insane? That there were times when the ghosts of his past became so strong that he no longer knew where he was or what he was doing? Should he tell her that he had met someone but couldn't bring himself to fully open his heart to her lest he lose her too?
Lifting a hand he brushed it back through his hair with a brief shake of his head. "Yes, I'm still a doctor...it's how I met the Bishop." As soon as the statement was out he regretted it. Why had he opened the door to the man's ghost? He let the hand drop as he pulled his eyes from her and to the Church as if he expected the elderly Priest to be walking down the stairs to join them.
"Luka?" Angelique's voice drew his eyes back to her, "Are you all right?" She couldn't restrain the need to look after him even now. Was that why he had remained so much a part of her thoughts for all of these years? Was the fact that she'd always felt she had failed him what kept him close to her? Was this her second chance to do what she had been unable to do all those years ago?
"Yeah." He nodded even though he knew the answer to be a lie...he wasn't all right, how could he be? In the last two months his life had been turned upside down and as a result the fragile hold he'd maintained on his sanity was fraying.
Whether she knew or was just guessing, Angelique touched his arm again. "Luka, Sweetie, why don't we go and find some coffee, we have time, we don't have to rush this." She let the smile fill her face as she spoke, she would not lose him again, and in that moment Angelique knew if that meant staying in Chicago to be close to him, that was what she was willing to do.
to be continued...
|
|
|
Post by Praline on Sept 25, 2008 16:15:21 GMT 10
Ghosts 29/37
Chapter 29
An ER Fanfic following the "Bishop Stewart" arc
Damn you, Luka. Abby tossed the magazine that she'd been thumbing through onto the table, then cussed inwardly as she watched it slide across the smooth surface and onto the floor on the other side. Where are you? After glancing at her watch she rose and walked across the room to the window, he should have been back by now, or at least called. What if something had happened to him. She could feel her heart beginning to quicken as her mind raced through the various tragedies that might have befallen him. What if he hadn't even gotten there? Maybe she should call and see... she reached for the phone then forced herself to lay it back in the cradle again. She wasn't his keeper, he was an adult...damn you, Luka. Hadn't it been his decision to go alone? Why was she even sitting here waiting for him? She turned back to the window in frustration, resisting the urge to scream, maybe if she wished hard enough she could make him appear. Laying a hand on the cool glass she closed her eyes, only to open them a moment later. Nothing, the street below remained all but deserted, Damn you, Luka, why couldn't you have just let me go with you?
It was all he could do to keep himself from following the woman as she led the young doctor from the room. Father Joe shifted his gaze from the closing door to the podium where Alexander Fletcher continued to speak, seemingly oblivious to the drama they played out at the back of the room. As he panned his eyes across the members of the congregation who listened to the man in rapt attention he found himself wondering who needed him more. The Croat was one man, while he had no doubt he was indeed lost, how many others here were also in need of his counsel and support? It all came back to the choices he had always had to make and almost unbidden a quote surfaced in his thoughts. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few...or the one. He cast a final glance to the door then brought his full attention to those who remained, Luka was in good hands, he had to believe that, whatever was about to happen would happen between the two of them, with or without his being there. Dr. Forquet's appearance was not accidental and if God had intended for them to be reunited this night then it was not his place to intervene.
Luka said nothing more as they walked the short distance to a small diner, and Angelique used the time to watch him. He still seemed dazed and that concerned her more then she wanted to admit. Was this how he had lived the last 5 years? All the progress he had seemed to make before she had lost touch with him gone in that time? She smiled over to him as they reached the door, laying a hand in reassurance on his back. "It's all right, Sweetie." She could feel his tenseness and the underlying tremble of fear. Why was he so frightened by this...what was he so afraid of seeing? The questions rolled through her thoughts even though she doubted she would ever find the answers to them. How could she ask him to explain what even he probably didn't understand?
When they had settled in the farthest booth she gave him a moment to himself, ordering coffee for them both as she gratefully accepted the offered menus from the waitress. "You need to eat something, Sweetie." She slid one of them across the table to him as the waitress moved away from the booth then dropped her eyes to her own. Normalcy she reminded herself. "I think I'm going to get the chili...what about you?" She lifted her eyes from the laminated card only to find his settled firmly on hers, the menu still untouched on the table in front of him. Offering a simple smile she tapped his to draw his attention back to it. "You need to eat something, it'll make you feel better, trust me on this."
Luka opened his mouth to protest that he was anything but hungry, then closed it again after releasing a deep sigh of resignation, and nodded. She was right, Abby had been trying to get him to eat all day...Abby, shit, he'd forgotten about her. He flicked a glance to his watch, she'd be worried...but what would he say to her, how could he explain this? If he told her what had happened she would want to come to him and he wasn't ready for that, not yet. He lifted his eyes as the waitress returned, then ordered a cheeseburger though he knew he wasn't hungry for it. Only when she was gone did he finally trust himself to bring his full focus back to Angelique. "I didn't think I'd ever see you again." He made the confession quietly as he toyed with the coffee cup in front of him
At the statement Angelique lay her hand over one of his, giving it a slight squeeze before speaking. "It's funny how fate works sometimes...I just retired, I was closing my office when Alexander asked me to come on the tour with him." She found herself drawing a deeper breath before continuing. "I had been thinking about all I had done as I packed my offices and how many people had come in and out of my life, and how I would never know what had happened to most of them." She smiled again, patting his hand, "I never expected this, you look so good..."She lifted her other hand to touch his cheek gently, "You've put on weight."
Despite everything Luka found himself smiling at the simple gesture and her observation, "How long will you be here?" The woman found the chuckle bubbling out despite her efforts to contain it. "Why, you want to get rid of me already?" She reached for her own coffee and took a sip. "No, I....I didn't mean it like that." Luka's face reddened slightly as he found himself flustered and stumbling for words. "Sweetie, it's all right, I was joking." Angelique patted his hand again before releasing it as the waitress returned with their meals. "I'm, staying as long as I need to stay, now, let's eat now, you can tell me all about your job."
to be continued...
|
|
|
Post by Praline on Oct 1, 2008 16:18:53 GMT 10
Ghosts 30/37
Chapter 30
Keep it light...keep it non-threatening, Angelique found herself having to repeat the reminder to herself as if it were a mantra as they ate...no, she amended, as she ate. More then once she had found herself coaxing Luka into another bite as he'd picked at the burger on the plate in front of him. When he finally pushed it away from him with less then a third of the burger eaten she'd decided the battle was lost and she surrendered to him with only a mild frown to reflect her displeasure.
The conversation throughout the meal had centered on the present...the lecture tour, her recently closed practice, his position at the hospital. That he wore no ring had answered her unasked question as to whether he had remarried and she'd not yet asked if he was involved. No, there would be time for those questions later when they could talk without fear of interruption...part of those things that would only be discussed in private.
He'd dropped his eyes to the cup that he'd wrapped his hands around, his mind obviously chewing on something that had bothered him in their conversation, and she chose not to interrupt. She found herself studying him more intently as the action allowed her the luxury of taking in his appearance more critically, without being obvious about it. His weariness was the most noticeable...dark circles framing eyes that still reflected a sadness she would never begin to understand, testimony to the several sleepless days that had led up to this night. The caregiver in her began to take over, he needed rest, but how? How did she tell someone whose life she had just reentered after a five year absence that he was under too much stress..and how could she even be sure that that was what was causing his sleeplessness? A far more difficult matter was whether she was ready to let him leave again...what if she sent him away only to never see him again? The odds that his fears would convince him that keeping the ghosts of his past hidden was the best thing for him were great. Added to that was not knowing whether he would be returning to someone when he left, and if he was, would that person support his hiding from his past rather then facing it? No...there had to be another way to handle things...a way for her to see that he got the sleep he needed without losing him again...
"Okay, Luka...enough is enough." Abby tossed the magazine aside for the umpteenth time that evening. She had paced and cursed...she had tried to pretend that things were normal..and she had worried that something terrible had happened to him and for what? She couldn't do this anymore...not tonight...as much as she wanted to be here when he walked through that door, the wait was driving her crazy. She fished a cigarette out of the pack she'd laid on the table before looking at her watch...10:30...not a word from him in over 4 hours. Damn...it was too late to call the church...she needed to get out for a while...go home...shower...spend the night in her own bed, away from him to give her some perspective on things. Yeah, that's what she'd do..she rose and stuffed the cigarettes and lighter in her purse...let Luka worry about her for a while..let him wonder where she was and see how he liked it.
Grabbing her coat she stuffed her arms in the sleeves and all the while she could feel her resolve building...this was perfect...he needed a wake-up call and this was just the way to give it to him. Something to remind him that she had been the one who'd seen him through all this..nursed him through the pneumonia, and the nightmares, and her payback had been to be left alone. No..if this didn't get his attention she didn't know what would. Snagging her purse from the table she slid the strap over her shoulder, then took a last look around the room...yup..this was what she needed to do and with that she turned and headed for the door and home.
As the conversation once again lapsed Luka let his thoughts drift...the fatigue left by the previous days lack of sleep catching up to him. How had she found him after so many years? There was no doubt in his mind that if not for her intervention he would never have survived the camp...if his wounds hadn't claimed him he would have met death at his own hand to be with those he had lost again. Instead she had been the one who had found a way to reach him, she had been the one to give him a reason to heal...to live again. Had she somehow sensed that he was slipping..that the ghosts were calling to him and he was beginning to listen to them again..that he was being drawn to them as he had been drawn to them all those years ago? He rubbed his thumb along a chip in the cup..searching for an anchor to the present. How could she have known how badly he needed her when even he had not known it? He lifted his eyes to find hers on him, "I'm tired Angelique." The confession came without warning..and he couldn't even say why he felt he had to tell her.
"I know, Sweetie...you need to sleep...my hotel is close by...will you come back there with me?" She hadn't known she would make the offer to him until she made it and she inwardly prayed that he would accept..at least she could watch him, be there for him if the nightmares still plagued him. The nightmares..she remembered how they had been for him in the beginning..so real that they left him trembling, unable to speak through the sobs that wracked his already weakened body. No, she wouldn't leave him alone tonight if she could help it..."It'll be all right Sweetie...we can talk if you want, and if not, I can give you something to help you sleep." At his nod of acceptance she rose, moving to offer her support as he stood as well...a good night's sleep..that's what he needed and then in the morning they could talk of the past..talk of what had been and maybe even the future...
to be continued...
|
|
red17
Junior Luby
Posts: 40
|
Post by red17 on Oct 18, 2008 14:30:19 GMT 10
Breathlessly waiting for the last 7 chapters!
|
|
cloudy
Duchess of Luby
Posts: 337
|
Post by cloudy on Oct 19, 2008 4:06:54 GMT 10
Me too, I thought this story was fully written already?... It's really good and solemn.... please update.
|
|
|
Post by Praline on Oct 24, 2008 4:15:42 GMT 10
Sorry, *blushes* my fault. I've been so busy that I couldn't update JD's story. But here they are, two more chapters.
Ghosts 31/37
Chapter 31
It didn't take Angelique long to decide that leaving Luka's car at the church was the best option, he was obviously in no condition to drive, and the hotel had been chosen because of it's close proximity. As tired as he was she was sure he could handle the two block walk. Judging from the number of cars still in the parking lot as they passed, Alexander was still talking and while she knew she should go back and at least fill him in on what happening her ties to Luka pulled stronger. When she reached the hotel she could leave a message for him at the desk, it wasn't like he didn't know her well enough to guess her absence would be the result of something important. She'd leave the message and then when he called she would explain everything to him..well, maybe not everything, but enough that he would understand what had happened.
She glanced back over to Luka as he walked beside her, hands shoved in the pockets of the navy peacoat he wore, eyes fixed on the ground in front of him. He was barely managing to put one foot in front of the other, prompting her to slide an arm around his waist in an effort to steady him....and maybe even to keep him grounded to where he was. There would be little time for talk tonight, she'd offer a sedative to him if he refused to give into his fatigue..but sleep was what he most needed now and she would do whatever she needed to see that he got it. They had all of tomorrow for talk and as curious as she might be to find out all he had done since she last saw him her concerns for his health and well being were far stronger.
"This is it, Luka." She slowed as they neared the older brick hotel, "I want to leave a message for Alexander when we get inside, let him know I am already back so he won't worry about where I am. As soon as I do that we can get you upstairs."
Luka merely nodded in response, dulled senses barely registering the hotel or the few patrons moving about the lobby as they stepped inside. "I won't be more then a couple minutes...you wait here for me, Sweetie." Angelique's voice registered again with him and he forced his attention to her as she stopped near the front desk. A simple nod to indicate his understanding and she moved away, leaving him to his own thoughts. There was something he was forgetting...something he should do...but what? Why couldn't he get his mind to focus on anything? He shook his head slightly as if the action might jar his memory then with a soft sigh he let it go..whatever it was gone before it could take hold. A touch on his shoulder signaled the older woman's return and he turned his head to her as she spoke.
"All finished...ready to go upstairs now?" She found herself smiling as first he blinked in sleepy recognition at her return then nodded...how long after they got upstairs would it be before he was fast asleep? Sliding her arm around his waist again she guided him towards the elevator, then as the doors slid open, inside. His eyes had taken on the glassy look of one just barely aware of his surroundings and as the car signaled their arrival and the doors opened she had begun to wonder if he would even make it to the room before he fell asleep. "This is my room.." Leaving him to lean against the wall she fished her cardkey out and swiped it though the reader. "It's nothing special I'm afraid..." Angelique found herself apologizing though she doubted he even noticed. "Go ahead and take your coat off, Sweetie.." She instructed once she had him inside. Reaching behind him she flipped the light on then closed the door, before finally removing her own.
Luka found himself doing as she asked without thinking, it was easier that way, though once he had the coat off he found himself holding it, his mind unable to process what he should do with it next. "I'll take it, Luka." He released it as she spoke then a moment later let her lead him over to the bed. "I know this is hard for you, Sweetie...none of it is making sense." She coaxed him to sit on the side of the bed, then knelt to remove his shoes. "We'll get you all tucked in and then you can get some sleep, in the morning everything will be better, you'll see."
"Will it?" The question was asked so quietly she barely heard him in the midst of everything else. "What was that, Sweetie?" She brushed his bangs back off his face, a gesture that allowed her to check his temperature at the same time, then lifted his legs onto the bed as she got him settled. "I don't know what they want..." Stroking his brow she knelt beside him, her brows knitting together in confusion as she tried to follow his train of thought. "What who want, Luka?" She continued to soothe the tension from his forehead, her fingertips massaging lightly as she lulled him closer towards sleep. "The ghosts.." His voice had become little more then a drowsy whisper and she found herself straining to hear him as he spoke.
What could she say to him? Whatever had prompted the relapse had to have been traumatic for him, something far more then he could deal with on is own. Was that why she had been guided to him? "Sleep now, Sweetie....you can let it go for now.." Had he not been so exhausted she might have let him talk...but not when he was like this, not when he was barely holding on to consciousness. There still remained a shadow of fear in his eyes...and it was obvious he was fighting letting go. "They come when I sleep..." Angelique found herself fighting her own emotions as he spoke, she had to be strong for him now. Brushing her fingers through his hair she forced a smile before she returned to stroking his brow. "Sweetie...you have to sleep...you don't have to worry tonight, I'll be right here with you."
He wanted to fight it...but he was losing the battle, raising one hand he wrapped his fingers around her wrist, stilling her hand. "I'm scared..." Nodding, Angelique pried his fingers loose then lay his hand on his chest. "Sweetie, I promise..I'll be right here with you." The look on his face was enough to break her heart and in that moment she wanted to pull him to her and do nothing more then hold him, instead she brushed her fingertips over his eyelids, easing them closed before she began softly to sing the familiar lullaby that would send him finally to sleep.
"Viens mon petit ours dans mes bras La nuit est tombée et j'ai un peu froid. Une perle vient de couler sur ma joue Tu vas l'essuyer de ton pelage doux.
Quand demain matin,le soleil Me dira : "debout,la vie est merveille" Toi,tu resteras assis sur mon lit Tu es le gardien des ombres de la nuit"
to be continued...
Translation of "Viens mon petit ours" ("Come my teddy bear"), courtesy of Marie
"Come in my arms my teddy bear The night has fallen and I'm a bit cold A pearl has just rolled down my cheek You will dry it with your soft fur
When tomorrow morning the sun will tell me "Get up, life is wonderful" You will remain sitted on my bed For you're the keeper from the shadows of the night"
|
|
|
Post by Praline on Oct 24, 2008 4:16:50 GMT 10
Ghosts 32/37
Chapter 32
Angelique continued to stroke Luka's brow for several minutes after his breathing had slowed, assuring herself that he had finally given into the sleep that he so desperately needed. As she drew her hand back she allowed the events of the evening to catch up to her and despite her efforts to hold them back the tears fell. The hardest part of working in the camps had been letting them go...she lifted a hand to wipe the wetness from her face, then reached for the blanket that lay on the foot of the bed and covered him. When she'd first arrived she had listened to the warnings about forming attachments...about keeping her distance in order to do her job more efficiently...they were her patients, she their doctor, she should stay objective. She had to see each as only one more in the endless stream of patients that would pass through her hands, and for several months she had heeded those warnings.
The first had been a child...a boy, no more then 4 who had lost both parents to a bombing raid...he'd been so frightened, and she had made space for him in her heart. Over the next few weeks he became her shadow as he healed and when an uncle was found and it came time to let him go, she had grieved the loss of him even though she knew it was for the best. She'd promised herself it wouldn't happen again, she had sealed heart, tending their wounds then releasing them from her care with little more then a hug, or a whispered thank you from them in exchange.
She never knew when another would chink away at the shell she built around her heart to keep her safe, and when they did she welcomed them openly, only to grieve the loss when they left. Luka had been one of those...she shifted her attention to him as he stirred, moaning softly at whatever haunted his dreams. "Shh, Sweetie....you're all right." She brushed her hand along his cheek, then began to lightly caress his brow until he quieted. He'd come into her life taunting death, not so much from his injuries, as from himself and though she would never know for sure, she'd always thought it was that which had drawn her to him.
<Croatian> "Tata...the sound of his daughter's cry reached deep inside of him and Luka stirred as he tried to register where she was. "Tata!" Her cry grew more agitated and he forced himself to focus on her...wanting to sit up and go to her only to find he wasn't in his bed. Where was he? He tried to make sense of it all but his mind only saw the darkness and a growing cold... "Tata!" The small girl screamed and he felt his blood chill with the renewed panic of needing to find her at any cost..."Jasna..." He felt his breathing quicken as the cries of his wife and son joined hers...their panic rising until all three twisted together and threatened to choke him. "Tell me where you are." He found himself stumbling through the darkness...nearing them only to have their voices fade again.
It was hard not to let her own thoughts wander as he slept, the questions she had yet to find answers to surfacing as she watched him. How much of her life was she willing to give up to work with him? Her practice was finished, she had never found time to have her own family, was she willing to leave her own country to be with him again? She'd helped him find himself once before, could she do it again? His restlessness was worsening and Angelique felt her own worry over him rise... was this how his life had been, the dreams haunting him as much now as they had then? "Shh...Luka... listen to me Sweetie...listen to my voice...its only a dream..."
<Croatian> "You said you would protect us....you said you would keep us safe." Danijela's words pierced the darkness and cut through him as sharply as if they were a knife. "I tried....I didn't know...." He dropped to his knees, clutching his stomach as if to staunch the flow of blood to the wound he perceived to be there. "I couldn't know...." He forced the words out...his tone one that begged for forgiveness even though he knew it would never come...
"JA mogao znati..." Luka rolled to his side, drawing his knees to his chest against the pain of the imagined wounds, his words spoken aloud for those he couldn't see. As he suddenly moved Angelique strained to translate the Croatian words....her forehead creasing as she tried to make sense of them. "Couldn't know what, Sweetie?..." There was no doubt that his dream had taken hold of him on one of the deepest levels and as she lay a hand on his shoulder she had to wonder if he was even aware she was at his side. He was feverish...she could feel the heat radiating off of him ...how long had he been like this? Had there been anyone here for him?
"Damn!" Abby slammed the receiver back into the cradle in frustration, this wasn't going at all the way she had planned. Here it was almost midnight and still she'd heard nothing from Luka...but worse then that he hadn't even bothered to go back to the hotel. She pulled her bathrobe tighter around her as she curled into the couch before reaching for the television remote. What was keeping him? She found herself flipping through channels without even noticing what was on them, then finally stopping on a late night showing of Sybil as she noted the irony of it. There were times she could almost swear he was different people, one moment fully attentive to her the next so distant that he seemed not even to be there. Why did she even bother to make sense of it...why did she stay? She raised the volume in a vain attempt to drown her own thoughts out. Because you love him Abby...you stay because you love him, and in his own way you know he loves you too. The realization only seemed to make the situation worse... where are you Luka?
<Croatian>You let us die Luka...you promised to protect us and you let us die..." Each word only seemed to increase the pain and Luka gasped with the increasing intensity of it. He was going to die...he was sure of it...he released a sigh of acceptance..he deserved death...what right did he have to live when they were all dead? He let his breathing slow as he relinquished some of his hold on life to the nightmare...
"Luka...Sweetie.." Angelique felt her concern rising as his breathing slowed....she had to get him out of it..."Luka!" He took hold of his shoulder and shook him..."You need to wake up now Sweetie....you need to let them go and come back to me." Please...let him hear me...she found herself whispering the prayer without thought...she couldn't find him after all these years only to lose him again.
"Luka...Sweetie...I need you to wake up now." Against her better judgment Angelique rose and went to the bathroom, grabbing a washcloth she held it under the faucet until steam rose from it. Carrying it back into the room she took her seat next to him and began to wipe his face with it, hoping it would be enough to pull him away from the hold of his dreams.
He was dying....he drew his hand away from the wound he was sure was there and felt the stickiness of his blood on his fingers. He should be afraid of it...but he wasn't... he surrendered even more to the sensation. "Luka!" He found the peace shattered by the sound of his name...and within the darkness and cold he felt a growing warmth...
to be continued...
|
|
red17
Junior Luby
Posts: 40
|
Post by red17 on Oct 31, 2008 0:31:18 GMT 10
More? Please!
|
|
|
Post by Praline on Nov 3, 2008 17:11:11 GMT 10
Two new chapters from JD. Thanks for sharing them with us.
Ghosts 33/37 Chapter 33
An ER Fanfic following the "Bishop Stewart" arc
When Luka lifted his hand to push the hot cloth from his face Angelique couldn't help but smile. "That's it, Sweetie...fight it." As his eyes opened she withdrew it completely only to replace it with her hand as she brushed his damp hair off his face. "JA pustiti njima kocka..." He offered the confession so softly that she wondered if he was even directing the words at her. "Luka, look at me Sweetie...English." She moved out of the chair and onto the bed itself as she spoke to him, she had to get him tied to the present again.
As he started to close his eyes she stopped him. "No, Sweetie...not yet...I want you to stay with me for awhile....can you do that?" Lifting him by his shoulders she scooted under him before cradling his head in her lap. "You can't keep blaming yourself...you did everything you could...now it's time to let them rest." She found herself idly stroking his brow as she spoke, the action allowing her to connect to him on a more personal level. "We all lose people....but you can't keep holding onto the blame for something you had no control over." How many times had she spoken those words, or similar ones over the years?
"She wanted to leave Vukovar...but I couldn't leave my studies..." His voice broke as he tried to explain and he closed his eyes to give him a moment to collect himself. "I put my work before my family..." The admission did not come easily and even as he voiced it the tears welled.
"You wanted a better life for them, there's nothing wrong with that." Angelique offered the words in comfort before wiping the wetness from his face. Luka took a shuddered breath, "I knew she wouldn't leave without me." His words might have been spoken for his ears alone as quietly as he spoke them. "She loved you...she wanted to stay with you. She was an adult..she knew the risks as well as you did." How many times would they have to travel this same road before he could accept the words as truth?
When he did nothing more then release a quiet sigh in response Angelique's hand stilled again. "Luka...it's been almost ten years...you have to let them go." He shook his head, blinking back the tears that had yet to fall. "I can't..." How could she reach him? What words could she possibly offer that she had yet to say that would make the difference, that would rip aside the guilt he had so tightly shrouded himself in?
"Sweetie...if you had died...if Danijela and the children had been the ones to live that day, " She paused..knowing she had entered dangerous ground..."would you have expected them to stop living..to hang on to their grief?" She found herself studying the lines in his face as she fingered the damp strands of hair that lay on his forehead.
"No..." He barely got the word out and she offered a soft smile as reward for the effort it took him to admit it. "Then if you wouldn't expect it of them, how can you believe that they would expect it of you. You have to live your life for the three of them..you hold their memories."
As she paused Luka rolled to his side, letting his eyes settle on a spot on the wall as he tried to process her words. How could he let the blame go? How could he walk away from the guilt of his own survival? How could he explain that the guilt was his way of ensuring that he would never forget them? That each moment he felt happiness was in his mind a betrayal ...yet another of those things they would never know?
"Luka?" He closed his eyes then swallowed in an attempt to get a better hold on himself. When Angelique brushed her hand along his cheek his breath caught, "She would want you to live for all of them Sweetie..." Biting his lip he squeezed his eyes shut in a failed attempt to stop the fresh flood of tears. "Let it out...you have to let them go..."
His hold was slipping and Angelique knew he was dangerously close to falling over the edge, leaning over him she cradled her arms around him, offering the comfort that seemed the only thing left to give him. "It's time Luka." She whispered the words quietly into his ear then smiled softly to herself as he drew another breath before surrendering himself fully to the cleansing tears that would hopefully mark the start of his acceptance of her words. To hell with propriety...Angelique pressed her lips to his forehead. "That's right, Sweetie...let it go..."
As his trembling increased and his body became racked with the outpouring of grief she found her own tears joining his, falling freely as she refused to relinquish her hold on him even for the time it would take to wipe them away. The weight of all that those tears held was not lost on her and perhaps that made the moment all that much stronger. Ten years of pain...of grief...of blame that he had cover himself with when it was not his to take...she could only hope that this was the start of his healing.
When he had finally exhausted himself to the point that sleep claimed him again Angelique eased Luka's head off her lap, then stood before draping the blanket over him. She was stiff and tired..but she wouldn't trade either if it meant giving up this moment... stretching she looked over at the small bedside clock..3 am...no wonder she was tired. As her gaze returned to Luka there was no doubt in her mind that exhaustion would allow him to sleep the rest of the night, and common sense told her she should claim her own sleep.
Wandering into the bathroom she splashed cold water over her face to wash away the trails her own tears had left on her cheeks. Who would have though she would have to travel half way around the world to find him again? She offered a smile to her reflection before lifting her eyes to the ceiling in an almost silent prayer of thanks. "Thank you for bringing him back to me... and thank you for giving me a chance to do what I couldn't do the first time I had him in my life..." With that she turned and returned to the room... staking claim to the chair at his bedside..her hand resting lightly on his shoulder as she surrendered herself to well deserved sleep.
to be continued...
|
|
|
Post by Praline on Nov 3, 2008 17:11:53 GMT 10
Ghosts 34/37 Chapter 34
An ER Fanfic following the "Bishop Stewart" arc
Had it not been for the continuing beeping of her alarm clock Abby was sure she could easily have returned to sleep. Easing open a bleary eye she looked around for the offending culprit of the noise..then realized she never had made it to bed. A glance to the still blaring television and an all too cheery news anchor was the final reminder that morning had come, and she had still heard nothing from Luka. With a groan she forced herself to her feet and stumbled in to shut the alarm off. How could he not have even bothered to call her? She wasn't sure whether to be angry or hurt by being ignored and as she grabbed a towel and made for the bathroom, she decided to be both.
How dare he? She had been the one who had been there for him through all of this and he couldn't even find the time to pick up a phone. She resisted the urge to scream her frustration as she turned the water on and then stripped. No more...if he wanted to do this he could do it on his own...she was finished. She stepped under the spray and grabbed the shampoo before pouring a large dollop into her hand. What did he think she was anyway? She began to scrub her hair and imagined that she could somehow scrub away their past as well. No..she wasn't doing this anymore...if he wanted to lose himself in his past then he could do it on his own. If he wanted to spend his life married to a ghost..play father to two more ghosts then she wasn't hanging around to watch.
She tilted her head back and closed her eyes..letting the spray wash away the suds and pretending that it was washing away the past several months with it. Fresh and clean Abby...that was how things would be from now on...
Angelique groaned...why hadn't she thought to pull the curtains all the way closed? Squinting against the stream of sunlight that was creeping between the crack, she stretched then looked to the bed where Luka still slept. At least he hadn't had any more nightmares...he had moved only enough to roll onto his side..one hand curling up to rest next to his face and for a moment it was easy to forget what had led to him being here. She reached across to brush a strand of hair from his face then withdrew her hand quickly as he moaned slightly in his sleep. She had to be careful...he needed the sleep now and the longer she could keep him there the better for him.
Standing, she made her way across the room, then pulled the curtains closed as she reached them, plunging the room back into darkness. How many times had she watched him sleep in the camp...how many times had she listened to his fevered cries? She covered her mouth as the memories surfaced...how long had it taken before she had gained the trust that allowed him to even admit what his tears were shed for?
"Dr. Forquet...I'm sorry to bother you." Angelique looked up from her paperwork at the young nurse before her, then seeing the expression on her face laid her face down to give her full attention to her. "Gretchen...what is it?" She watched as the young woman glanced across the tent then back to her before speaking. "I know I should be able to handle this but...it's the man in bed 7..." She paused, biting her lip as she debated how to explain. "Luka..." Angelique found he gaze shifting for a minute to see if he appeared to be in pain before looking back to her, "His name is Luka, what about him?" He forehead creased slightly as she waited for the reply. "I just don't know what to do with him...he won't eat anything...I can't get him to let me change his dressings...and when I suggested he might feel better if I gave him a bath he told me to ...well, let's just say it wasn't very polite. Maybe someone else should take over his care." Angelique shook her head slightly as the young woman explained then stood..."That's all right Gretchen..let me try...go ahead and see to the other patients.
As the woman walked away Angelique poured a cup of tea, she should have seen this coming...ever since he had been forced to talk about what he had gone through he had been retreating into himself. Dropping a sugarcube into the cup she carried it over to his cot...he was laying on his side and without looking she knew his photo would be on the pillow beside him. "Luka?" She saw him tense at the sound of his name, though he did not move..."I know you're awake...we have to talk about what is going on." Still no response...she exhaled and walked around to the other side where he would be forced to look at her, then pulled one of the stools over so she could sit. "Sweetie...Gretchen was pretty upset...all she was trying to do was her job." She let her eyes settle on his and immediately noticed the dullness in them. "I brought you some tea..will you take some?" She leaned forward..offering the cup to him only to see him turn slightly away from it. "Luka...you can't keep this up...your dressings need changed before your wounds get infected...I did not patch you up to watch you die of something you don't have to die from."
"I didn't ask you to save me..." He spoke almost too softly for her to hear him. "I know you didn't Sweetie..but it's my job...and it's my job now to help you get better." She sat the cup on the floor and pulled the stool closer to him as he spoke again. "I don't want to get better..." She watched as his eyes fell to the small black and white photo. "I am not going to stand by and watch you will yourself to die." How far was she willing to go to stop him? "Why...what difference does it make? He refused to look at her..his eyes all but locked on his picture. "What difference does it make? Luka...what would your dying accomplish..would it bring either of them back? Would it bring your son back? No...you're looking for an easy way out and there isn't one...I wish there was but there isn't." She reached across to brush her fingers across his hair, wincing slightly as he flinched, then relaxing when he didn't attempt to stop her. You can keep their memories alive Luka...but only if you are still here..." She withdrew her hand and leaned down to pick the cup up again, then held it between her palms as she waited to see if he would react to her words. "It hurts too much..." The confession was even quieter then his earlier words. "I know it does Sweetie...but it'll get better...it's just going to take time. Now, I want you to drink some of this for me, then I want to change your dressings..." She offered the cup again without waiting for him to either refuse or accept, then smiled as he raised himself up on his arm to take it. It was a start and for now she was willing to take what she could get.
to be continued...
|
|