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Post by Rach :) on Jan 23, 2008 18:08:29 GMT 10
great update!! Its so descriptive, i love how you describe the thoughts and feelings so well... AMAZING Update soon
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Post by zelda on Jan 23, 2008 22:03:56 GMT 10
ANDREJIA, First of all, I am really happy you posted. This story is so beautiful because the words are both simple and strong. There is no embellishment of style, it's overwhelming because it's very concise and it sounds so true. It's not sad...It's about convalescence...and hope. I don't think for a minute that TPTB will give us ONE THOUSANDTH of the emotions conveyed by your style. WE CAN IMAGINE AND VISUALIZE ....So much better. I have printed your story... MERCI BEAUCOUP MA JOLIE. OT : ( not that much.. )There is a thread which deals with the difficulties some fanfic writers can have, expressing themselves in a foreign language. I. AM. FLABBERGASTED!
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Post by toni on Jan 24, 2008 3:03:09 GMT 10
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Post by andrejia on Jan 24, 2008 6:46:42 GMT 10
3. There is Hope
38 years.
“If not now, when?”
Four months.
“I started drinking again.”
Two weeks.
“I miss Joe and Luka like crazy.”
Sixty days.
“I need a little more time”
One hour.
“There was a man in my house…with a gun…he’s taken my husband.”
Today.
Hope
Suitcases, stroller, a backpack with Joe’s things…Checking at the gate what they couldn’t take on the plane. They were boarding, all three of them. Joe, Luka and…Niko. He never once wanted to break into pieces so much, so he can be in two places at the same time. Although, he was. His body was going away, home, some might say, driven by “the right thing to do” but his soul never left that apartment. He was empty again; hallow. And there was nothing there to fill the void.
“Where’s Abby?”
“She couldn’t come.”
“What do you mean she couldn’t come?”
“She just couldn’t, ok? Problems at work…”
“She couldn’t take time off for our father’s funeral?”
They were the last in line. And not because they arrived too late. No, not quite. There was another group behind them. Among them, a couple in their sixties. Going to Germany for the holidays. Already talking about what presents should they buy for their children…and grandchildren, holding hands and looking as though life has been very kind to them. Every wrinkle on their face overflown with happiness and content, signs of too much laughter and vivid eyes, as if they had their whole life ahead of them. They looked like they’ve been married forever and overcame any drawbacks they might’ve had.
He was clinging to the last shred of hope there was. Maybe she turned the car around. Maybe she came back. Maybe she thought it wasn’t that bad. Maybe she decided to do this when they get back. He left her ticket at home, in one of the bags she decided not to take…to rehab. She didn’t know that, she couldn’t. So maybe, just maybe, she was running around the airport, trying to get a ticket. Maybe there weren’t any available seats. Maybe he should turn around and check. Maybe her phone wasn’t working, maybe the battery went down. He was half expecting her to come running towards him, to tell him that everything is going to be alright, that they’ll get through this…together. Maybe if he’ll never let her leave his sight again they will be ok. He could do that. Be around her all the time, until she no longer felt the desire to drink. It wasn’t that bad. It’s not like she was an alcoholic…she just drank too much while he was gone; so he has to be around for ever so that never happens again. No. But if this time she has to believe it, does it mean everything else was a lie? Has she been pretending all this time?
He wasn’t even aware that he had been staring back at the entrance ever since they got there.
“Sir?”
He was too lost to hear anything and anyone, lost in his mind, thoughts and hopes. His desire was so big he could almost see her, feel her arms and hear her voice saying that she couldn’t let them go alone.
Sir? Your ticket, please?
He bit his lip and turned around, plunging his head into the small body he was holding so tight, closing his eyes for a second. His embrace became even tighter, causing the little boy to fuss and raise his head to look at his father. Luka stroked his cheek and ruffled the boy’s hair with a sad smile on his face and eyes full of regret. He shifted him to the other arm so he could give the ticket at the gate, then looked back one more time, as the last flame that kept his hope alive died slowly.
“Oh, sorry”,he smiled apologetically as he handed his ticket to the woman at the gate.
Joe put one hand around his father’s neck and tilted his head on his shoulder, as Luka carried him not towards the future, but to face his past.
“Have a nice flight!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get up, coffee, feed Joe, talk to people, more coffee, clean the house, play with Joe, arrange boxes, feed Joe, ignore phone calls, bathe Joe, look through photographs, put Joe to bed, close the door to the bathroom, cry, go to bed, sleeping pills, cry, get up, more photographs, cigarettes….maybe a sandwich…no…just a bite. Morning, get up, coffee, feed Joe, coffee, launch at his brother’s, watch Joe play, coffee, go home, feed Joe…Abby. Sit in the dark and just stare…at nothing in particular. Maybe watch the cigarette burning…
A wonderful routine that gave him second thoughts about his life…Was he still alive? Maybe it was just a nightmare…But her voice was real, dragging him back in the world. Where was he? Did something happen and he died? It felt like he was in Purgatory, forever waiting to be judged for every little crime he committed. He was in limbo, without knowing what’s worse. The past or what’s yet to come. It’s all part of a master plan…everything happens with a reason…But why was he spared so many times? Why should he be the lucky one? He must’ve done something terribly wrong in one of his past lives and now he was paying for it.
Get up, coffee, feed Joe…Joe. The only part of him that was still beautiful, still alive. He had to stay strong; he had to get through this…for Joe. Joe needed him. He did. But Joe woke up sometimes during the night. And Luka realized then he can’t breathe…without her.
They talked…when she could. Whenever the phone was ringing his heart jumped out of his chest. The first few times they didn’t even know what to say…just held the receiver to hear each other breathing. He could almost feel her warm breath and it was the only thing that brought him back to the real world. Stop living in his head, stop feeling like a zombie. Trying to find his way back to sanity, holding on tight to a voice so full of melody he could write lyrics on.
And they talked…they did…he wasn’t making up things. And even if their conversations revolved around Joe, it didn’t mean that they weren’t talking at all…Or did he? He didn’t even know what was real and what wasn’t anymore…He was going crazy. But thousands of miles apart and still he felt her closer than when he was at home…
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Post by silverbells on Jan 24, 2008 8:40:57 GMT 10
Amazing and wonderful please update soon.
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jehkovac
Marquise of Luby
Jessica Kovac Andrade de Oliveira
Posts: 281
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Post by jehkovac on Jan 24, 2008 9:11:56 GMT 10
Thx Zelda, for convince her of posting it here! I read the first part I don't remember where, and I was waiting for more!! I'm loving this!!! Full of emotions!!! Continue with the great job Kisses Jeh
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Post by marioh on Jan 24, 2008 14:48:24 GMT 10
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Post by lubylover on Jan 24, 2008 14:59:14 GMT 10
This is a great Fan Fic... but it's so sad and depressing.
I can't wait for the new update
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Post by Rach :) on Jan 24, 2008 18:12:13 GMT 10
niceee update!! i really do love this...hows about another one??
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Post by toni on Jan 24, 2008 21:05:56 GMT 10
ohh that was sooo great please update!!!!!!
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Post by zelda on Jan 24, 2008 22:42:27 GMT 10
ANDREJIA,
What a beautiful chapter.
I love that you take your time... The routine, the tiny details about LUKA and JOE' s everyday life are perfect.
I love your last sentence...about the link between LUKA and ABBY..
You called this chapter HOPE...
I could call it THE COMPASS!!!
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Post by andrejia on Jan 25, 2008 5:51:51 GMT 10
4. Have Mercy
A year.
“We don’t talk much…anymore”
Two months.
“I thought I’d at least get a postcard”
A few weeks.
“He’s comfortable there; I could hear it in his voice”
One day.
“Luka was going to try and get a flight out today so hopefully he’ll be here tomorrow”
Hours.
“When you get home, I have a surprise for you.”
Today.
Mercy
As soon as she entered the house, she couldn’t help but notice the ashtray full of cigarette butts he forgot to empty in his hurry to pick her up. “I see you’ve been eating well.” But he felt too shy to answer. What was there to say? That these past few weeks went by like a nightmare? That he used to get up in the middle of the night, his eyes filled with terror? Not tonight.
Their whole attention went to Joe the first couple of days. Taking him places…somehow using him as a reason not to talk. Were they avoiding each other? They were talking…But they weren’t talking…
And today, as they left the house to take Joe to the park, they could see a shy ray of light coming out of the clouds.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Silence. His head was tilted, his chin almost touching the chest, as he watched her. What could he say? What should he say? How should he start? She sat at the other side of the table, looking around, glancing at the new found place. They were alone, no Joe, no one to give their attention to. She tried to face him from time to time, throwing him sheepishly looks, awkward smiles, as she could feel his eyes darting her.
“Your…your mom?” she stuttered, pointing at one photograph on the wall.
Luka turned his head to look at the little black and white picture.
“Uh-uh”, he murmured.
She tried to smile again, nodding.
“She was beautiful.”
Silence.
She took a deep breath, smiled to herself and looked down. Rubbed her hands together, her palms sweaty from nervousness. She never wished this much for Joe to wake up or at least fuss a little in his sleep. For the phone to ring…or maybe for the world to end. Anything but this.
“Guess what! I finally told everyone!” she blurted out.
“Told what?”
But he knew the answer.
“Umm…people were…” she sighed, “were wondering about…where I had been…and…”
“What did Anspaugh say?”
“The usual…90 meetings in 90 days, diversion groups, random tox screen”.
“90 days?!? Isn’t that a little too harsh?”
“Luka…”
“You checked yourself into a facility; doesn’t that mean anything to them?”
“It did…I got off easy.”
“Easy?” he nodded abruptly.
What was she going to say? That she was getting extra punishment for the two weeks leave she wanted to take so she could be with them? So he could feel even more responsible? No. He doesn’t need to know…everything
Silence.
They were face to face, across the kitchen table…in his father’s house…in his house…on his territory…but now neither of them had the courage to look the other straight in the eyes.
“So…are you going to tell me? About…about what happened…” He waited long enough.
“I said I will. I know I haven’t been quite good at …umm…keeping my promises lately but…”
“Just tell me what happened.” He rubbed his fingers together, trying hard to repress the desire to touch her hand, to make it easier for her.
“What do you think it happened?”
I slept with Moretti.
“It doesn’t matter what I think. I just want to know.”
“So…”
“So.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything. The truth.”
I slept with Moretti.
She smiled softly and nodded, taking a deep breath. “The truth…” she started softly then continued, this time very sure of herself “The truth is…you know…I wasn’t myself, for quite a long time. And I lost sight of almost everything. My career, who I am…Joe…But if there was ever anything that I felt certain about was how…much…I love…you. Both of you”. She shrugged. “It was the only reminder I had while everything else fell to pieces.”
“Where were you the night my father died?” It came out softly, almost pleading. Not inquiring nor demanding. He needed to know if the truth matched his thoughts.
“At Neela’s…my old apartment. When you came home I thought everything would be back to normal…I thought that I would just stop. And when I couldn’t, I started hiding out at my old place…”
She ran her hands over her mouth, remembering a time she lived through a thick fog. He kept staring at her, trying to guess her every thought, trying to see past the surface…to see any hint, anything that might betray her. Trying to absorb everything.
He bit his lower lip. “What else happened?”
I slept with Moretti
“First, I used to wait until Joe was asleep. Soon, as fast as I could get the sitter out, I drank. I ended up going home early to have more time to drink. Pass out on the couch, two or three times on the floor. Then one day…umm…I had a blackout. ”
Abby was chocking. Wasn’t this room bigger a few minutes ago? How come all of the sudden she was claustrophobic?
“Umm…Greg and Morris were…were celebrating passing the boards…at Ike’s. I didn’t want to go at first…I went home, got drunk and decided I shouldn’t miss the fun”. She smiled, ironically. “Soon….umm…everyone left but I…I wanted to drink some more so…”
All this time, she was looking down. Never once had enough courage to look him in the eyes. But he did. This time he did. He kept staring, the way a painting of a portrait seems to follow you around. His eyes were fixed, with only one purpose. Was he blinking at least? She could feel his eyes on her and they were burning like fire. He didn’t even seem to be breathing anymore. Just waited, his heart full of anxiety and anticipation.
“…so I stayed behind”. She turned around to face him only to realize that he had been trembling the whole time. His entire body, every little inch of him was begging her…was begging for her mercy. His eyes were fixed, but filled with fear; he was still breathing but so fast, one could barely notice his chest rising. His head was tilted a little to the right as he was watching her, pleading.
“A few more glasses later and I blacked out.”
I let him take me home, I kissed him and he kissed me back. The glass was empty and I wanted more. So he offered. And I took it. But the glass was always empty and I was thirsty. Then I had a dream where I could see my body doing stuff and I had no control over any movement. And in my dream, I was seeing you; I was smiling and you were smiling back. But the dream turned into a nightmare when I woke up and saw what happened.
She wiped the tears from her cheeks and eyes and lowered her look again.
“When I came around…”
He was there and my clothes were on the floor and I was naked and so was he and I couldn’t remember and he called me “honey”, like I was his and I panicked and he touched me and I felt dirty and I wanted to see you and …
He was on the verge of crying too. A blink away from the flood. And she knew that. He was craving for her mercy.
“It was late, it was so late…and I went home…I panicked….I woke Joe up and got him dressed and packed a few stuff…I drove drunk with our baby in the back seat!…And I went to the airport…” she shook her head and started sobbing. “I’m so ashamed…” she tried to hide her face in the palm of her hands; she wanted to imagine that it wasn’t her doing all of those things; she wanted to hide from the pain, the shame…and the fear. She wanted him only to hear the words, not see them coming from her mouth. “They almost called security”, Abby continued,”…I started demanding for them to give me a ticket…I needed to see you. God!” she paused a little. It was too much. “Because of the power blackout, there were no flights…And showing up here, with Joe, like that…..So…I just sat there…drunk…in the middle of the night…trying to make Joe stop crying…trying to imagine that this wasn’t my life…”
And I couldn’t touch you. I couldn’t because I was dirty and he was dirty and when he touched you, you took his hand and I felt like he stained you as well and I couldn’t do that and I could feel my stomach turn with disgust and I tried washing but he was there and my skin turned red from scrubbing but he was there and you said you missed me and I couldn’t do that but I did and I ruined it because everything that was pure and innocent between us was now black and smudged and my body was stained and just the thought of you touching me made me shiver because I wasn’t clean enough…and I slept with Moretti…
“I did so, so many things I never once thought I was capable of…endangering Joe, oblivious to everything that meant something to me…to us…I wanted to stop so much…so much…but I couldn’t. It was like I was trying to mess things up. And I couldn’t even look at you; sometimes, I hoped that you’ll figure it out by yourself…and just waited…and drank…That’s all I wanted to do…that’s all I’ve done. Lose myself in a glass…drink until I could forget everything….and it’s all I’ve done.”
Have mercy…
Was he wrong thinking the way he did? Maybe…No. He was. This was Abby. Abby was standing right there in front of him and she needed him. This time she needed him. And this time he wasn’t going to walk away. He took a minute and starting blinking fast, like he just got up from a long sleep, coming out of a trance. He fought away the tears and slowly placed his right hand on hers.
They sat there in silence for a few more moments. Then, they started talking about treatment and meetings…and about the changes they both need to make. Just a small, neutral conversation, a bridge to connect their past with their future.
Everything was out. Everything? It was. After a while, she got up and excused herself to the bathroom. She entered the room and closed the door behind her, looking around for a bit. She was breathing fast, taking deep breaths, turning her head around, not actually seeing anything. She felt like she was chocking, like there was not enough air, like she was having and anxiety attack. She rubbed her forehead for a moment and turned on the water, then just sat on the brim of the bathtub and let it all out. It was too much…she had to let everything out…she needed to brake down and just cry. To free herself…
She couldn’t, she just couldn’t. Wasn’t it enough? It was her cross to wear and she just couldn’t. No more. She’s done enough. And it was enough. It was the truth. She drank. And drank some more. And everything else was just a consequence. It was true. She didn’t lie. That was everything and nothing else mattered. It didn’t for her and it won’t for him. Why does he have to be the lucky one? Why should he be spared? Because she loved him…she did. She does. And it was the only truth she ever got to know.
She was sitting there, with her face buried in her hands, sobbing…She looked up from time to time, like she was asking for help…and forgiveness.
It didn’t take him too much to realize. He was standing on the other side of the door, still debating whether to open it or not. He reached out his hand to touch the door knob and stopped for a second, closing his eyes. But he could hear her and it broke his heart…again…He gathered all of his emotions, all of his thoughts, hopes and dreams, shattered moments and happy times. Danijela, the kids, his little girl dying, a gun pointed at him too many times, Joe, Joe in the N.I.C.U., Joe hurt, his father, Abby and her kiss, Abby and Carter, Abby hurt, Abby bleeding, Abby on the floor, Abby crying…Abby and the truth. Abby. He gathered them all and turned them into strength, so powerful that nothing seemed impossible. And he opened the door.
He moved slowly towards her and wrapped his arms around her small body.
“No more hiding…” His voice was sweet and calm, filled with everything she needed…hope, love…forgiveness.
He softly kissed the top of her head and tightened his embrace, rocking her gently back to sanity as she allowed him to take away some of the anguish.
“No more….”
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This was the last one I managed to complete. I have two more drafts but I'm not going to be able to work on them...at least until I pass my next exam. Surfing around the board is one thing but spending hours in front of the computer is another. Enjoy.
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Post by zelda on Jan 25, 2008 6:09:21 GMT 10
This is a masterpiece. I'm shaking!!
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Post by lubylover on Jan 25, 2008 6:54:13 GMT 10
AWWW I loved that updates. KARAMA FOR YOU! It was amazing!
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Post by toni on Jan 25, 2008 7:27:10 GMT 10
OMG ;D ;D ;D ;D wow!! ;D that was A M A Z I N G ! ! ;D
just WOW !!
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