Chapter Twenty-Four: The Sweetest TabooHe hadn't intended to broach the subject quite as he did. It had simply fallen out of his mouth without prior consideration, without foresight as to her reaction. It hadn't been pleasant. Her expression had gone from pleasant to stony in a matter of nanoseconds, and he'd instantly regretted it. She had simply needed to locate a shirt, any shirt to go with her pants, and he'd suggested she check the laundry basket. And then it had sort of slipped out - “You know, you might as well just move in here.”
She'd whirled around to reveal a deer-caught-in-headlights look. “Pardon?”
“I…well…all your things are here, practically.” Another statement of sheer eloquence.
“Is that a problem?”
“No! I just…I like that your things are here.”
She'd huffed quietly and gone to retrieve a shirt, leaving him to assume he was in the clear. Not even close. She returned looking even more displeased than when she'd left the room. “I think I'll stay at my place tonight. Clean up some of this mess I've left over here, go catch up on my housework.”
“Abby.”
“No, it's fine. You're right, I'm cluttering your place.”
“Abby, you know that's not what I meant.”
“Sounded like it.” She began snatching items from the floor, the counter, his bureau. “I don't want to be in your way.”
“Abby, don't. I like having you here, that's why I brought it up. Don't do this.”
She spun to face him. “Do what? I'm not doing anything.”
“You're getting upset over nothing.” He sighed and knotted his tie carefully. “I asked because I like having you here. I want you here, all the time.”
“You'll be late.” She scowled and stalked out of the room.
He followed her, the beginnings of irritation taking hold. “You know, you can't avoid this sort of thing all the time. One of these days, you're going to have to face this.” His words were harsher than intended.
She scoffed. “That was not an invitation, that was…that was a bad excuse for an argument.”
“An argument? You're the only one arguing!”
A scoff. “Right.”
He wrenched the door open, coat in hand. “What the hell are you afraid of Abby?” The lam of the door had an unpleasant finality to it.
The argument was a nagging weight on his mind as he fumbled through the tasks at hand, doctoring on autopilot, answering with only concise, vacant answers. Had there been any presence of mind left in him, he would've worried about a potential lapse in judgment, a mistake, but nothing concerned him except how he'd left things. She'd been so distant, so cold to him…and he'd been belligerent in return, rather than understanding. She needed compassion, not frustration. His hardheaded sense of justice served him well in the ER for the most part, but it crept into his home all too often, and she was the last person to accept judgment. The last person he'd meant to judge.
Jerry's voice called to him as he ambled by the desk. “Dr. Kovac. Phone.”
He answered warily. “This is Kovac.”
“Hi.” Her voice was soft, nearly imperceptible. “Luka?”
“Is something wrong?”
Her tone was difficult to read, but the response didn't warrant a second thought. “Come home.”
It had taken him a fraction of a second to bolt out of there, sprint for the El…it seemed to be moving at a snail's pace. His pulse pounded out a terrified rhythm as he took the stairs three at a time until the apartment door was within reach of his key, grinding hastily in the lock. “Abby?”
Movement came from the hallway. His gaze landed on her, a wholly unexpected sight. Hair in delicate curls, an exquisite satin teddy, kitten heels…she was a wonder to behold. Her face was somber, brown eyes sparkling and tranquil as she approached him, frozen in place. Her hands cupped his face and she drew his mouth to hers slowly, gently, to barely kiss him, more a suggestion of a kiss than anything. She looked up at him solemnly. “I love you.”
His hands rested lightly on her waist. “You're all right?”
The soft ringlets bounced as she nodded, one falling delicately over her eye. “I will be.”
One hand cradled the back of her head, the other grazed her cheek softly with an implicit response, but he answered aloud nonetheless. “I love you, too.” His spine curved naturally as he bent to meet her, pleasantly accustomed to the position. She let her gentle weight press into him, head tilted up to meet his lips, a kiss barely imperceptible at first. Her hands stroked the sides of his face, fingers making gentle lines down his temples. She stepped backward, nearly forcing him to break the kiss, but one hand found his to pull him with her. He could feel a rush as his pulse quickened, her destination more than apparent.
She had surprised him before with lingerie, candlelit baths, the like. Always been perfectly comfortable in her sexuality. But there had been something different, something reserved about it. As though there was some invisible line between giving all of herself and giving only what she was willing. This, he knew, was all of her, every flaw, every insecurity, everything he loved. Sensual…sexual…desirable in an entirely new way. He found himself numb to everything else but her, her hands, her lips, her body guiding him. Her fingers skimmed under his lapel to slide his jacket off, then caress the silk of the tie, almost charming it off. She plucked the buttons of his Oxford shirt open delicately, kissing her way down his chest as he found himself utterly lost in the moment, hands running up and down the length of her waist. He'd never for a moment found her anything less than stunning, anything less than sexy, but this,
this, was a new side to her that was beyond thrilling.
She undressed him slowly, deliberately, then stopped to look up at him once again. Her eyes shone as she repeated the words he knew she wouldn't - couldn't - say unless she meant them. “I love you, Luka.” She placed a soft kiss to his sternum before crawling up onto the mattress, urging him to join her. He carefully lifted the teddy over her head, heels already kicked off to the floor, and she lowered herself to a seated position on his lap, her soft weight delicious against him. His hands slid over her back, reveling in the feeling of her skin. Her head tilted almost involuntarily to the side as he kissed her neck. They sat, half embracing, as foreplay became less a sexual action than a simple affirmation of everything they didn't need to say. Her eyes sparkled as the intensity rose, face somber. The connection was almost rehearsed, easy, and yet a shiver ran up his spine as their bodies met, as though he hadn't expected it. Her back arched to reveal a stunning view, hands wrapped around the back of his neck, eyes closed. The intimacy of the act, of the entire situation, overcame both. Perfect harmony seemed too ambiguous a definition, even as they came in unison, a skill they'd acquired long ago, the first time around. She smiled and curled up in his arms as they lay in impossible proximity, each beaming unconsciously.
“I love you, too, Abby.” He whispered the words into her hair, letting the sentiment tangle through the strands in unison with his fingers.
She rolled to face him, still pressed against him. “You were right, when you said I was scared. I was. I am.” She paused, wondering if he'd press, and was relieved when he didn't. “I've had enough failed relationships. I don't want anymore.” Her fingers traced the length of his arm from elbow to shoulder. “I think…I think I loved Richard. And I think I even loved Carter, in some masochistic way. But not unconditionally…and not completely. I loved them when I wasn't being hurt, or hurting.” A deep, shaking breath accentuated the depth of her admission. “I love you so much it scares me. Scares the hell out of me.”
He stroked her spine with one finger, up and down, for a few silent moments. “I'll never hurt you, Abby. Not again.”
She smiled almost sadly. “Don't make promises you can't keep.”
“I'll never mean to hurt you, then. And if I do, you can have me deported.”
She laughed softly. “Take your green card away. It's a deal.”
Silence hung in the air for a few more minutes as they lay together, breathing softly, both lost in thought. Finally, Luka cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Do you think you'll ever want to get married again?”
The sigh was almost inaudible, though not one of displeasure. He waited for her to gather her thoughts, continuing all the while to draw lines up and down her spine with one delicate finger. “I think…I don't even really know. My marriage was such a disaster…we got married because that's what seemed logical. Except it wasn't. It was just what we thought we were supposed to do. And I never want to do that again.” He knew better than to interject, allowing her to formulate an answer in her roundabout way. “I guess marriage is logical for the obvious reasons. Children, taxes, next-of-kin and all that. Except…” She trailed off. “I don't want to get married because we
should. I want to do it for some deeper reason. I mean,” she rolled onto her back, gazing absently up at the ceiling, providing him with an appreciated view of her bare torso, hair splayed out in a halo around her face, forehead creased with thought, “we both know what we mean to one another, right? The only reason to get married is so
everyone else knows. Which seems sort of…silly.”
The back of his hand ran over her stomach, just barely making contact. “Well, yeah.” He propped himself up on one elbow to look at her. “But you and I have both been married before. And yeah, maybe it's a
silly tradition, but it's a tradition. Like Christmas trees.”
“Did you really just compare getting married to a Christmas tree?” Her eyebrows arched.
He kissed her softly. “Shh. I'm making a point.”
“By all means, then.” A lopsided grin adorned her face.
He reached out to catch her hand, pressing a kiss to the palm, warm, luxurious, intimate. “I don't want to convince you to marry me. I want to marry you, but I want you to want it, as well.”
“I'm a logical person, Luka. And it doesn't seem all that logical to me.” She instantly regretted the way it sounded aloud. “I mean…I don't know. I don't want to get married just to get married. I've done that, and it didn't work.”
“So you're afraid?”
“Not exactly.” She caught his eye. “Well…yes. I don't want to muck this up.”
He laughed softly. “We're way beyond that, if you haven't noticed. I'm pretty sure any 'mucking' would've happened already.”
“True.”
He pulled her closer, tucking her into his arms, kissing her forehead tenderly. “I know you like logic. You've been through med school. But sometimes…maybe there's no real logic to these things. Maybe it's deeper than that.” One long finger whisked a strand of hair off her face. “I know there's nothing logical about what I feel about you.”
She wrinkled her nose indignantly. “Thanks.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I suppose I might.” She rested her lips over his clavicle, breathing in the scent of cologne, sweat, and antiseptic.
God, she loved that smell. Illogical, indeed. “Luka.” She tilted her head up to look him in the eye. “You're right. It doesn't make any sense. Marriage doesn't make sense.” His face fell a bit, but she continued, cupping the side of his jaw with her palm. “But hearing you say it…there's this weird feeling.”
“A feeling?”
“A feeling. In the pit of my stomach, like…like I want it. More than I want to want it.”
“There's nothing wrong with that.”
She curled into him, hugging him closer, needing that proximity once again. “Maybe not.” She nuzzled him gently. “Maybe it's actually kind of nice.”
Moonlight spilled through the draperies to illuminate her face, a soft glow that complimented her as though it had been fashioned solely to cast off her pale skin. She shivered slightly as a breeze gusted through the open window, and he pulled the quilt up to tuck around them, making the closeness even more intimate in the process. He craned his neck down to kiss her, warm, sweet, a dessert of kisses. “Marry me.” He breathed the words across her lips.
She raised her eyes to his, searching for any hint he wasn't serious. “What?” The word came out sputtering, taken aback.
A smile melted over his lips. “Will you marry me?”
A thousand answers tangled in her mind, but only one slipped out, a whisper for him alone. “Yes.”
Well, my lovelies, this is the end of the road. But never fear - there's a sequel in the works.