The baby [first fic!!]

[shelby]

This goes along with season 12's, 21 guns.

"The Baby"

Chapter 1: Gunshots

Abby was standing at the admit desk, going through some charts, when Sam walked past her taking Steve out. Abby sensed something was wrong. "Somethings wrong", she said to the two police officers that were standing in front of her. "Somethings wrong!", she said to them again. "Hey, Sheriff, bring it back here a minute!", said the one cop. Suddenly, everything froze, everyone was quiet. Until Steve got out a gun and started to shoot. Everyone panicked. Silence again.
Haleh-"Oh my god Abby!"
Ray-"We need a gurney over here!"
Kerry-"What the hell happened?"
Ray-"Abby's been shot."


Let me know how you like it! I'll post more

[larue]

Terribly short teaser and just basically follows the lines of the episode. ...with the exception of Abby has been the one shot. Give us some more to work with. I hope you have a plan.

[shelby]

Chapter 2: Trauma 1

Kerry-"Somebody call Luka!! Abby, Abby can you hear me? Open your eyes hun. She's unresponsive." "Okay lets get her on a gurney and get her into trauma one! Haleh page Coburn and call the OR!" Ray said as he was picking her up putting her on the gurney. As Ray, Kerry, and Haleh are taking her to trauma one, she starts seizing. "She's seizing!!", says Ray. "Someone get Pratt in here! Kerry runs her fingers through Abby's hair. "Alright we need to intubate before she starts seizing again."

Morris walks into the suture room looking for Steve's chart where he finds Luka on a gurney intubated. Morris extubates Luka.
"Where's Abby?"
"They're working on her in trauma one. She was shot."
"What??? oh god....Abby......"

Pratt walks into the ER with Neela close behind him. "Hey Frank what the hell happened here?" "Don't ask me I was just called in, they need you in trauma one." Pratt takes off his coat and runs down the hall. Neela walks into the lounge and sits. As Pratt is walking into the trauma room, he see's who is on the table. "Oh my god.....Abby." She's intubated and they're waiting for Dr. Coburn. Luka walks in and sits down by her head and holds her hand. Coburn comes running in and looks at Abby. "Alright lets get her up to the OR." Neela is outside when they bring Abby out.
"Don't worry Abby I'm here for you."
"Neela could you assist on a c-section?"
"Yes." Neela grabs Abby's hand and feels Abby sqeeze back.



Chapter 3 coming soon. Hope you liked chapter 2!!

[smkbrad]

very nice i just hope abby and the baby both are ok.

[shelby]

Well since I really don't have anything to do today I figured I'd write chapter 3. Hope you like it!

Chapter 3: Trapped

Coburn, Haleh, and Neela are in the elevator with Abby, Luka took the stairs. Suddenly, the elevator stops and the lights start to flicker. Abby starts crashing.
Coburn- "Abby, dammit Abby. Charge the pannels to 200, clear! no change, alright 250, clear! dammit! come on Abby don't do this! 300, clear!"
Haleh- "There's a pulse."

The elevator is still stuck. matience is trying to open it but it won't budge. They're stuck between floors. Luka is there, scared to death.

Back in the elevator, Abby is stable. Neela is still holding her hand. "Luka is probably freaking out.", Coburn said. Neela and Haleh just nodded.
Haleh-"Dr Coburn, is she waking up?" Abby is trying to open her eyes. She knows whats going on, and it scares the hell out of her. She finally is able to fully open her eyes. Coburn leans down and calmly talks to her.
Coburn- "Abby, you were shot in the Stomach, your baby's okay but you do need an emergency C-section. Your going to be okay though." Tears start to stream down Abby's face. Neela runs her fingers through Abby's hair (like Weaver did) and tells her everything is going to be okay.

Outside the elevator, everyone is trying to open the doors. They got the first set of doors open, now they have to get the second. Luka shouts down the elevator shaft, "Can you guys hear me?" Dr. Coburn screams back, "Yes! hurry!" That worried Luka.

Abby is now asleep again but she has a good pulse. Haleh, Neela, and Coburn hear everyone outside trying to pry the elevator doors open. Finally, they're open.
Luka- "Is she okay?"
Coburn- "We had to shock her but she has a good pulse now and was awake for a few minutes." They lift Abby out and then help Coburn, Neela, and Haleh out. "Luka, everythings going to be okay, we will be praying for you and Abby." "Thanks Haleh." Haleh gives Luka a smile and walks back down to the ER. Coburn and Neela take Abby to pre-op and Luka follows behind them.

Luka stays with Abby while they are getting her ready for the OR. He prays that she will be okay.

But the worst is yet to come.........

[smkbrad]

no please dont say the worst is yet to come it cant get any worse.

[larue]

This sounds and reads as if you are trying to write a script for the show rather than a story. You might want to pay a little more attention to action and include it in your writing. For example...

Abby is now asleep again but she has a good pulse. Haleh, Neela, and Coburn hear everyone outside trying to pry the elevator doors open. Finally, they're open.
Luka- "Is she okay?"
Coburn- "We had to shock her but she has a good pulse now and was awake for a few minutes."

An edited version ;
Abby's eyes were closed again and Haleh reached to take her pulse. She nodded at Coburn. They could hear everyone outside trying to pull the elevator doors open. Finally, when they were open, Luka burst inside.
"Is she okay?"
"We had to shock her," Coburn said. "But she has a good pulse now. She even regained conciousness for a bit."

You need to create the visual picture for the reader. Not everyone can - or will want to - relate it to something you have seen on television. In fact, some of the best stories I have read make me SEE the action taking place.

[abbysinthe]

It would seem that you've taken the premise of "21 Guns" and "Bloodline" and completely butchered it. The original plot made sense - unless you're really sure of what you're doing, don't change things.

There is a barrage of medical mistakes here. For starters, they are "paddles" not "pannels". Neela would not assist on a C-section, as she is not trained to do so and there is no reason that they couldn't find someone from OB. It's unlikely that the baby would survive Abby being shot in the stomach, let alone be "okay" - and if the baby were "okay," they probably wouldn't need to do an emergency Cesarean. There is no real reason that Abby would be seizing after being shot, nor would she wake up again. They would not shock her at that rate, either. If you don't know the facts, don't write medical aspects. Or at least stick to the original scripting.

Larue seems to have covered the formatting aspects, so I'll just affirm her point.

[shelby]

I'm not going to continue with this story. Its not really going to make any sense and I've made a lot of mistakes already. I need to work on my writing for awhile. When I come up with another story that I actually think will make sense, I'll post it.

[abbysinthe]

The point of my critique was not to discourage you from writing - it was to give an honest evaluation of what areas could be improved. Criticism, while sometimes unpleasant, is the most valuable thing to a writer.

The best advice I can give is to write something and then hold off on posting until you've evaluated and self-edited at least twice. You might also consider a beta - like an editor - to give an alternate editorial eye before you post.

[shelby]

I know, I might write the next chapter and hold off for awhile, I'm still not sure though. I'm just not sure what to write next.
But thanks for the advice!

[baboune51]

waou it's really good