Post by FicWriter on Nov 18, 2008 2:19:40 GMT 10
We Never Talk
By JD
We never talk...that's what you said to the shrink, maybe it's true, maybe it's not. I do think you were right when you said we can talk about other people easier then we can talk about ourselves. Lying here, watching you sleep, I find myself thinking about what I should say, but what I can't. I think about the times when I've almost started to say something about my past only to stop myself before I could begin. I think of how much we pretend that things are normal between us, for Alex, for others and how much we wish it were true when we know it's not. It's easy to accept our failures in the dark.
Only yesterday I caught myself in a moment of weakness and almost gave in to it. You were sorting through some baby pictures of Alex and I found myself wishing I had just one of Marko to share with you. I wanted to show you my one of Jasna, her picture is one she shares with Danijela, a black and white that's creased and worn from so many years of handling, and I knew that would only upset you so I didn't. For Marko I could not even do that and instead I said nothing. There was a time when I had begun to open up about my past, with Carol, I'd shared small stories of my childhood, of times on my grandparent's farm, of the day when everything was changed forever. I tried again with the Bishop when he heard my confession, but it grew too hard and so I stopped, making him the last to know the full story.
I think I don't talk about my past because so much has happened that I don't want to relive. I can't tell you how badly I want to be a father again, to know that joy of holding something that is a part of you and the woman you love in your arms. Something...I know they aren't things, they're miracles, gifts from God, I believe that now more then I ever did before, I don't know, maybe because I lost mine and you still have yours with you. I want to tell you about my babies, about Jasna, her birth, what she loved, what she hated. With Marko it's different, I told Carol once I could raise an image of him, his hands and face covered in chocolate ice cream, simply by closing my eyes but not anymore. Now, more often then not what I see is his small hand reaching for help from under the debris that stole his life. I see what he looked like once I had lifted the sides of the crib and cleared all of the plaster away, how he looked as I held him in my arms and my tears left tracks in the dirt that coated his face. It's harder for me to draw memories of his life and far too easy to call forth those of his death. It's worse to know that had they survived Jasna would now be the age her mother was when she gave birth and Marko would be nearly a man himself and that neither were given the chance to live those lives. There won't be any more sleep for me tonight and rather then risk waking you I'd better get up, if only I could put it all aside as easy as you seem to do.
Walking the darkened apartment I find my thoughts scattered, I should have expected this, but how could I have known we would have to revisit my past? Why should those losses affect where we are now? I want to believe I'm happy. I try to give you all you want, all you and Alex need, is there something I'm missing? I enjoy being with you, with Alex, I thought it was the same for both of you, where did we go wrong? There are so many questions now that we never thought to ask? I don't know, maybe they were there all along and we just didn't want, or maybe we were just too afraid to ask them.
I'm back where I started and I find myself standing in the open doorway watching you sleep wondering if you want us to stay together. A part of me will always love Danijela and my children, I'll always mourn their loss, that will never change no matter how much time passes. I can tell you that I can love you despite that, I can love Alex and we can be a family and you have to believe that if we're going to succeed. In time I hope I'll be able to share that part of my life with you, you'll have to be patient, but,as long as you're willing to work at this so am I...
"Luka? You coming back to bed?" Sam's soft voice broke the silence of the darkened room.
"Yeah."
And I know I am though it's still it's still true, we never talk...
By JD
We never talk...that's what you said to the shrink, maybe it's true, maybe it's not. I do think you were right when you said we can talk about other people easier then we can talk about ourselves. Lying here, watching you sleep, I find myself thinking about what I should say, but what I can't. I think about the times when I've almost started to say something about my past only to stop myself before I could begin. I think of how much we pretend that things are normal between us, for Alex, for others and how much we wish it were true when we know it's not. It's easy to accept our failures in the dark.
Only yesterday I caught myself in a moment of weakness and almost gave in to it. You were sorting through some baby pictures of Alex and I found myself wishing I had just one of Marko to share with you. I wanted to show you my one of Jasna, her picture is one she shares with Danijela, a black and white that's creased and worn from so many years of handling, and I knew that would only upset you so I didn't. For Marko I could not even do that and instead I said nothing. There was a time when I had begun to open up about my past, with Carol, I'd shared small stories of my childhood, of times on my grandparent's farm, of the day when everything was changed forever. I tried again with the Bishop when he heard my confession, but it grew too hard and so I stopped, making him the last to know the full story.
I think I don't talk about my past because so much has happened that I don't want to relive. I can't tell you how badly I want to be a father again, to know that joy of holding something that is a part of you and the woman you love in your arms. Something...I know they aren't things, they're miracles, gifts from God, I believe that now more then I ever did before, I don't know, maybe because I lost mine and you still have yours with you. I want to tell you about my babies, about Jasna, her birth, what she loved, what she hated. With Marko it's different, I told Carol once I could raise an image of him, his hands and face covered in chocolate ice cream, simply by closing my eyes but not anymore. Now, more often then not what I see is his small hand reaching for help from under the debris that stole his life. I see what he looked like once I had lifted the sides of the crib and cleared all of the plaster away, how he looked as I held him in my arms and my tears left tracks in the dirt that coated his face. It's harder for me to draw memories of his life and far too easy to call forth those of his death. It's worse to know that had they survived Jasna would now be the age her mother was when she gave birth and Marko would be nearly a man himself and that neither were given the chance to live those lives. There won't be any more sleep for me tonight and rather then risk waking you I'd better get up, if only I could put it all aside as easy as you seem to do.
Walking the darkened apartment I find my thoughts scattered, I should have expected this, but how could I have known we would have to revisit my past? Why should those losses affect where we are now? I want to believe I'm happy. I try to give you all you want, all you and Alex need, is there something I'm missing? I enjoy being with you, with Alex, I thought it was the same for both of you, where did we go wrong? There are so many questions now that we never thought to ask? I don't know, maybe they were there all along and we just didn't want, or maybe we were just too afraid to ask them.
I'm back where I started and I find myself standing in the open doorway watching you sleep wondering if you want us to stay together. A part of me will always love Danijela and my children, I'll always mourn their loss, that will never change no matter how much time passes. I can tell you that I can love you despite that, I can love Alex and we can be a family and you have to believe that if we're going to succeed. In time I hope I'll be able to share that part of my life with you, you'll have to be patient, but,as long as you're willing to work at this so am I...
"Luka? You coming back to bed?" Sam's soft voice broke the silence of the darkened room.
"Yeah."
And I know I am though it's still it's still true, we never talk...
