Post by FicWriter on Dec 27, 2008 2:51:55 GMT 10
Frailty
(A ficlet written on Live Journal.)
by JD
I deal with the frailty of life on a daily basis but it wasn't until the birth of my new son that I fully realized how overwhelming it can be to those on the outside. My son, our son, Josip, Joe, was born ten weeks premature, Abby delivered him by cesarean, and for the first twenty-four hours of his life I stood vigil alone at his bedside. He was rushed immediately from the delivery room to the NICU, the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, and though I wanted to stay at Abby's side she insisted I stay with our son, without voicing it I think she sensed how fragile he was and feared he might die alone if I remained. It was a fear I shared, but dared not say aloud, maybe because I thought that by doing so it would somehow give it more strength and the thought of losing him, losing yet another child.
Watching over Joe gave me lots of time to think, and one thing that kept repeatedly coming back to me was why was I again being punished? It's been fifteen years since I lost Danijela and our children, fifteen years...a lifetime it seems at times. I kept thinking back on all the years I'd wasted grieving their loss, wallowing in self pity and guilt, worse though was remembering how often I'd prayed for death to find it's way to me so I could be with them.
It wasn't easy to let my past go, I spent close to eight years living with the memories of Danijela and our time together as my means of comfort, my source of love. When I opened the door enough to allow Carol in it was a big step and I know I made mistakes, but at least I was starting to live again. I think I saw my heart as a piece of glass then, something very fragile. It had been shattered when Danijela and our children died, then somehow repaired. I think I tried too hard with Carol, I wanted a family so badly that I wasn't able to see that it wasn't her along that drew me to them, it was the very fact that she was alone with those two children and they needed a father as badly as I needed to be one again. When she told me she was leaving I honestly believed I had lost my last hope of being a father again.
It was hard looking back at the mistakes I made with Abby our first time around, but I think Iit was something I had to do if I want to make sure that those mistakes aren't repeated between us this time. One of the things Abby accused me of at that time was being married to a ghost, and though I didn't want to admit it then I can now. Danijela will always be part of who I am, I'll always love her, and I can only hope that Abby will understand that it doesn't mean I love her any less.
Within that same fragile balance will be the one that will exist between Joe and Jasna and Marko. I want Joe to know his big sister and brother even though they aren't here. I want to share my memories of them with him as he grows in a way that will bring happy feelings and not ones of sadness. I think that in itself may be something I'll have to work on with Abby. When we were together before I never felt I could talk about Danijela or my children with her, or maybe it was that I didn't want to share them with her. I realize now that it's something I need to do if I want her to really understand me and how I reached the place where I am in my life. The years I spent with Danijela were ones that played a huge part in shaping me into the man I am today, but more importantly the father I'll be to Joe.
I see things with Abby, and now with Joe, as an open door to the second chances I never dreamed I'd see, not just that of husband and father,but of having a family around me again. It's hard though ,to express the joy this brings me, especially when I realize that it comes marred by the sadness of knowing that Abby will be unable to bear another child. So, with this thought I come full circle to the frailty of life and the cycle begins again.
The End
(A ficlet written on Live Journal.)
by JD
I deal with the frailty of life on a daily basis but it wasn't until the birth of my new son that I fully realized how overwhelming it can be to those on the outside. My son, our son, Josip, Joe, was born ten weeks premature, Abby delivered him by cesarean, and for the first twenty-four hours of his life I stood vigil alone at his bedside. He was rushed immediately from the delivery room to the NICU, the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, and though I wanted to stay at Abby's side she insisted I stay with our son, without voicing it I think she sensed how fragile he was and feared he might die alone if I remained. It was a fear I shared, but dared not say aloud, maybe because I thought that by doing so it would somehow give it more strength and the thought of losing him, losing yet another child.
Watching over Joe gave me lots of time to think, and one thing that kept repeatedly coming back to me was why was I again being punished? It's been fifteen years since I lost Danijela and our children, fifteen years...a lifetime it seems at times. I kept thinking back on all the years I'd wasted grieving their loss, wallowing in self pity and guilt, worse though was remembering how often I'd prayed for death to find it's way to me so I could be with them.
It wasn't easy to let my past go, I spent close to eight years living with the memories of Danijela and our time together as my means of comfort, my source of love. When I opened the door enough to allow Carol in it was a big step and I know I made mistakes, but at least I was starting to live again. I think I saw my heart as a piece of glass then, something very fragile. It had been shattered when Danijela and our children died, then somehow repaired. I think I tried too hard with Carol, I wanted a family so badly that I wasn't able to see that it wasn't her along that drew me to them, it was the very fact that she was alone with those two children and they needed a father as badly as I needed to be one again. When she told me she was leaving I honestly believed I had lost my last hope of being a father again.
It was hard looking back at the mistakes I made with Abby our first time around, but I think Iit was something I had to do if I want to make sure that those mistakes aren't repeated between us this time. One of the things Abby accused me of at that time was being married to a ghost, and though I didn't want to admit it then I can now. Danijela will always be part of who I am, I'll always love her, and I can only hope that Abby will understand that it doesn't mean I love her any less.
Within that same fragile balance will be the one that will exist between Joe and Jasna and Marko. I want Joe to know his big sister and brother even though they aren't here. I want to share my memories of them with him as he grows in a way that will bring happy feelings and not ones of sadness. I think that in itself may be something I'll have to work on with Abby. When we were together before I never felt I could talk about Danijela or my children with her, or maybe it was that I didn't want to share them with her. I realize now that it's something I need to do if I want her to really understand me and how I reached the place where I am in my life. The years I spent with Danijela were ones that played a huge part in shaping me into the man I am today, but more importantly the father I'll be to Joe.
I see things with Abby, and now with Joe, as an open door to the second chances I never dreamed I'd see, not just that of husband and father,but of having a family around me again. It's hard though ,to express the joy this brings me, especially when I realize that it comes marred by the sadness of knowing that Abby will be unable to bear another child. So, with this thought I come full circle to the frailty of life and the cycle begins again.
The End
