Post by FicWriter on Dec 28, 2008 3:40:28 GMT 10
A Father's Plea
(A ficlet written for the community 100 Moods on Live journal)
by JD
Abby doesn't want me with her, she says it's because she doesn't want Joe to be alone but I can't help wondering if there's more to it. Does she blame me for not being there to protect her when the shooting began in the ER, for not being there able to stop the contractions, to keep our son from coming too soon? Logic tells me that there was nothing I could have done to prevent either thing but and as I stand here watching Joe sleep I can't shake the feeling of hopelessness that threatens to consume me. All the years of training, all my years of hands on experience, and here I stand doing nothing.
I can't help but find my thoughts returning to that tragic day in Vukovar when I lost Danijela and the children. I know now that Marko's death was never one I could accept blame for, that his life was taken before I even found him. For years I second guessed my actions on how I tried to save Jasna, wondered if I might have saved her if only I'd had more experience, if I could have left Danijela and carried her to a hospital. It was the same with Danijela, though I know I could never have left Jasna to die alone to save her mother.
With Joe it's different, here I can only watch, he's so close and I can't even touch him. I lay my hand on the incubator and I imagine my hand is on his chest, I imagine that I can feel each rise and fall as he struggles for each breath and I find my own breaths altering to keep pace with his as if that might somehow help him find the rhythm he needs to survive. I worry for him and find myself praying to the God I had turned away from for all those years, begging him to spare this small life and not take yet another child from me.
I don't think I realized it would be like this, but then too wonder if it's anything I could ever really have planned for? Abby and I talked about how we would parent our child when he or she arrived, but neither of us knew or could have expected him to arrive two and a half months early. We hoped, as all parents do, that he would be healthy, and as doctors we understand too well the realities that his early birth brings with it.
Maybe it's because I've already suffered the losses of two children, but mentally I know I'm not prepared to lose another child. So, with that in mind, I'm willing to set aside the facts and the statistics, and I'm even willing to turn back to the faith that I'd abandoned. For Abby, for all he has yet to experience, for me, please, let him live.
The End
==============================================
I Lied
(A ficlet written for the community Theatrical Muse on Live Journal.)
by JD
How appropriate that this should surface today of all days. I've spent a sleepless night alternating my time between watching my newborn son and his mother sleep in the hospital and it's made me realize the disservice I've done to myself and to others.
For years when people have asked me if I had children I have lied and said no, but the truth is I do have them, two of them, a son and a daughter. Yes, I know they died almost fifteen years ago, but that doesn't end the relationship I have with them, the bond that exists and will always exist. They are still my children and they always will be, no matter how many years pass.
I sit here looking at my newborn son and I can't help but look for the things in him that will connect him to the brother and sister he will never know. Will he have my daughter Jasna's smile? I look at his long fingers and I try to remember what hers looked like at that age, and it's so hard to remember. I want him to have Marko's sense of humor, to hear that sound of laughter again, and I know even as I look for similarities I want him to be himself as well. I know I can't expect him to replace them, and it wouldn't be fair of me to ask that of him, but I would like to share my memories of them with him when he's old enough to understand.
Having this second chance at being a father has made me realize how selfish I've been over the last fifteen years. By denying the memories of Danijela and my children I've been sparing myself the pain of reliving their loss, but I've also been denying others the joy of those memories, and I didn't have that right. Looking at my small son now, I realize how wrong it was to do that. I loved Jasna and Marko more than I loved life itself, and it's time I shared that love with others. After fifteen years it's time for me to stop living the lie I've been living, and so, when people ask if Josip...Joe, as Abby wants to call him, is my first, I will say no, but he is my youngest, and I love him with all my heart.
The End
(A ficlet written for the community 100 Moods on Live journal)
by JD
Abby doesn't want me with her, she says it's because she doesn't want Joe to be alone but I can't help wondering if there's more to it. Does she blame me for not being there to protect her when the shooting began in the ER, for not being there able to stop the contractions, to keep our son from coming too soon? Logic tells me that there was nothing I could have done to prevent either thing but and as I stand here watching Joe sleep I can't shake the feeling of hopelessness that threatens to consume me. All the years of training, all my years of hands on experience, and here I stand doing nothing.
I can't help but find my thoughts returning to that tragic day in Vukovar when I lost Danijela and the children. I know now that Marko's death was never one I could accept blame for, that his life was taken before I even found him. For years I second guessed my actions on how I tried to save Jasna, wondered if I might have saved her if only I'd had more experience, if I could have left Danijela and carried her to a hospital. It was the same with Danijela, though I know I could never have left Jasna to die alone to save her mother.
With Joe it's different, here I can only watch, he's so close and I can't even touch him. I lay my hand on the incubator and I imagine my hand is on his chest, I imagine that I can feel each rise and fall as he struggles for each breath and I find my own breaths altering to keep pace with his as if that might somehow help him find the rhythm he needs to survive. I worry for him and find myself praying to the God I had turned away from for all those years, begging him to spare this small life and not take yet another child from me.
I don't think I realized it would be like this, but then too wonder if it's anything I could ever really have planned for? Abby and I talked about how we would parent our child when he or she arrived, but neither of us knew or could have expected him to arrive two and a half months early. We hoped, as all parents do, that he would be healthy, and as doctors we understand too well the realities that his early birth brings with it.
Maybe it's because I've already suffered the losses of two children, but mentally I know I'm not prepared to lose another child. So, with that in mind, I'm willing to set aside the facts and the statistics, and I'm even willing to turn back to the faith that I'd abandoned. For Abby, for all he has yet to experience, for me, please, let him live.
The End
==============================================
I Lied
(A ficlet written for the community Theatrical Muse on Live Journal.)
by JD
How appropriate that this should surface today of all days. I've spent a sleepless night alternating my time between watching my newborn son and his mother sleep in the hospital and it's made me realize the disservice I've done to myself and to others.
For years when people have asked me if I had children I have lied and said no, but the truth is I do have them, two of them, a son and a daughter. Yes, I know they died almost fifteen years ago, but that doesn't end the relationship I have with them, the bond that exists and will always exist. They are still my children and they always will be, no matter how many years pass.
I sit here looking at my newborn son and I can't help but look for the things in him that will connect him to the brother and sister he will never know. Will he have my daughter Jasna's smile? I look at his long fingers and I try to remember what hers looked like at that age, and it's so hard to remember. I want him to have Marko's sense of humor, to hear that sound of laughter again, and I know even as I look for similarities I want him to be himself as well. I know I can't expect him to replace them, and it wouldn't be fair of me to ask that of him, but I would like to share my memories of them with him when he's old enough to understand.
Having this second chance at being a father has made me realize how selfish I've been over the last fifteen years. By denying the memories of Danijela and my children I've been sparing myself the pain of reliving their loss, but I've also been denying others the joy of those memories, and I didn't have that right. Looking at my small son now, I realize how wrong it was to do that. I loved Jasna and Marko more than I loved life itself, and it's time I shared that love with others. After fifteen years it's time for me to stop living the lie I've been living, and so, when people ask if Josip...Joe, as Abby wants to call him, is my first, I will say no, but he is my youngest, and I love him with all my heart.
The End
