Post by FicWriter on Feb 27, 2009 3:27:55 GMT 10
Finding Strength
(a fic written for the community Theatrical Muse on Live Journal.)
by JD
I became a doctor to help people, I do it every day, so, why is it when it comes to those close to me that I seem to be unable to do anything but watch them suffer or even worse, to watch them die? Is there some lesson that I'm supposed to be learning from the challenges that those around me seem to be continuously subjected to?
As difficult as it has been to release myself from the guilt I've felt at failing Danijela and Jasna, I had begun to do just that. There were so many factors that went against me during that long night while I fought to keep breathing for my daughter. Factors that I had no control over despite what I might have thought at the time. There was a war going on, I was young, I was inexperienced, I had nothing I needed to give them the care they deserved, how could I possibly blame myself? But I did, still do in some ways, just not as much as once was the case.
I think back on Joe's birth and the helplessness I felt standing first at Abby's side and then later, watching over him in the NICU. So often over those early days and weeks I found myself wondering what had been the point of all my medical training if there wasn't anything I could do to help him. If I could have traded my life for his, spared him any measure of the pain his tiny body was subjected to, I would have done so in an instant, but, yet again it was out of my control. All I could do was watch over him a pray that those entrusted with his care were the best they could be.
I don't think I was ready to hear that my father was sick, I know I wasn't ready to hear he had cancer, I was so sure we would have more time. When I first went back to Croatia, I spoke to his doctors, and while it was clear that I couldn't take part in his actual care, at least I knew he was getting the best treatment money could afford. I had to believe I was doing everything possible for him in order to free myself of the guilt I knew I would hold over myself if I thought I didn't. When the doctors told Niko and I that he was doing better we believed them, and I thought it was safe to come home to Abby and Joe, to let them meet my brother and I was so certain when we returned they would both be with us. How could I be so wrong?
My father died last night, and tonight Niko, Joe, and I are on a plane back to Croatia without Abby, it shouldn't be like this, but yet again, things are beyond my control. Abby told me tonight that she'd started drinking again, I want to blame myself, if I hadn't left her alone, if I had been there when Joe had fallen, I would have seen the signs, but, the blame can't be all mine to take. Abby took responsibility for her own actions tonight, so, while Joe and I go back to Croatia with Niko to bury our father, Joe's grandfather, Abby is checking herself into rehab. These next several weeks will be a time of healing for all of us, and I can only hope that when the time comes for us to unite we will find ourselves stronger for the work we have done.
The End
***********************************
Thinking of Tata
(a ficlet written for the community of Creative Muses on Live Journal.)
by JD
We buried our father today. Our Tata, Niko and I, with my son Joe in my arms, had come home to say our good-byes. I wanted so much for him to meet his grandson, for Joe to have a chance to know his grandfather, but, it wasn't meant to be. We stood there at our father's grave, among his friends, and despite the sadness we felt at his loss, we couldn't help but be touched by the love that those present felt for him.
My father's house is quiet now, both my brother and my son long ago gave into the sleep that I am still resisting. As I sit in my father's chair I can still feel his presence and it's hard not to believe that any minute the door will open there he'll be and I'll awake to find the news of his death was nothing more than some horrible dream.
Niko has decided to keep the house as our father left it, and I can't help but wonder if that's going to make things more difficult for him. There are so many memories here, reminders of those that have passed before him. That's always been the difference between Niko and I however, where I fled from the reminders, he drew them closer, clinging tightly to each as if they were pieces of a puzzle.
I wonder what traits Joe will embrace as he grows older, will he carry only what he sees in Abby and I or will I see some of my father in him? I think back on all we've been through, what we continue to go through even now, and I pray he is half as resilient as my father was. I pray that he will forever see the good in people instead of the bad. Most importantly, I pray that he will know that his greatest strength will always be found in family, and in times of trouble he should turn to them, not away from them. I only wish I had learned that sooner.
The End
(a fic written for the community Theatrical Muse on Live Journal.)
by JD
I became a doctor to help people, I do it every day, so, why is it when it comes to those close to me that I seem to be unable to do anything but watch them suffer or even worse, to watch them die? Is there some lesson that I'm supposed to be learning from the challenges that those around me seem to be continuously subjected to?
As difficult as it has been to release myself from the guilt I've felt at failing Danijela and Jasna, I had begun to do just that. There were so many factors that went against me during that long night while I fought to keep breathing for my daughter. Factors that I had no control over despite what I might have thought at the time. There was a war going on, I was young, I was inexperienced, I had nothing I needed to give them the care they deserved, how could I possibly blame myself? But I did, still do in some ways, just not as much as once was the case.
I think back on Joe's birth and the helplessness I felt standing first at Abby's side and then later, watching over him in the NICU. So often over those early days and weeks I found myself wondering what had been the point of all my medical training if there wasn't anything I could do to help him. If I could have traded my life for his, spared him any measure of the pain his tiny body was subjected to, I would have done so in an instant, but, yet again it was out of my control. All I could do was watch over him a pray that those entrusted with his care were the best they could be.
I don't think I was ready to hear that my father was sick, I know I wasn't ready to hear he had cancer, I was so sure we would have more time. When I first went back to Croatia, I spoke to his doctors, and while it was clear that I couldn't take part in his actual care, at least I knew he was getting the best treatment money could afford. I had to believe I was doing everything possible for him in order to free myself of the guilt I knew I would hold over myself if I thought I didn't. When the doctors told Niko and I that he was doing better we believed them, and I thought it was safe to come home to Abby and Joe, to let them meet my brother and I was so certain when we returned they would both be with us. How could I be so wrong?
My father died last night, and tonight Niko, Joe, and I are on a plane back to Croatia without Abby, it shouldn't be like this, but yet again, things are beyond my control. Abby told me tonight that she'd started drinking again, I want to blame myself, if I hadn't left her alone, if I had been there when Joe had fallen, I would have seen the signs, but, the blame can't be all mine to take. Abby took responsibility for her own actions tonight, so, while Joe and I go back to Croatia with Niko to bury our father, Joe's grandfather, Abby is checking herself into rehab. These next several weeks will be a time of healing for all of us, and I can only hope that when the time comes for us to unite we will find ourselves stronger for the work we have done.
The End
***********************************
Thinking of Tata
(a ficlet written for the community of Creative Muses on Live Journal.)
by JD
We buried our father today. Our Tata, Niko and I, with my son Joe in my arms, had come home to say our good-byes. I wanted so much for him to meet his grandson, for Joe to have a chance to know his grandfather, but, it wasn't meant to be. We stood there at our father's grave, among his friends, and despite the sadness we felt at his loss, we couldn't help but be touched by the love that those present felt for him.
My father's house is quiet now, both my brother and my son long ago gave into the sleep that I am still resisting. As I sit in my father's chair I can still feel his presence and it's hard not to believe that any minute the door will open there he'll be and I'll awake to find the news of his death was nothing more than some horrible dream.
Niko has decided to keep the house as our father left it, and I can't help but wonder if that's going to make things more difficult for him. There are so many memories here, reminders of those that have passed before him. That's always been the difference between Niko and I however, where I fled from the reminders, he drew them closer, clinging tightly to each as if they were pieces of a puzzle.
I wonder what traits Joe will embrace as he grows older, will he carry only what he sees in Abby and I or will I see some of my father in him? I think back on all we've been through, what we continue to go through even now, and I pray he is half as resilient as my father was. I pray that he will forever see the good in people instead of the bad. Most importantly, I pray that he will know that his greatest strength will always be found in family, and in times of trouble he should turn to them, not away from them. I only wish I had learned that sooner.
The End
