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Post by kirstin on Jul 12, 2006 5:16:47 GMT 10
This is so great!
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Post by sammiejm on Jul 14, 2006 3:28:21 GMT 10
OK, here's the next part. Sorry it's taken so long, but sometimes I find it hard to get inside Abby's head.
*****
So This Is It – Abby
We, or rather I, couldn’t find a cab so we ended up taking the El. I didn’t know why Luka was still with me and right at that moment I didn’t care. I just wanted to get home. I really didn’t know what the matter with me was that evening. I mean, I know I can be moody and awkward and believe me I hate it, but this was going some, even for me. We were standing at the end of one of the carriages, not speaking. My arms were folded across my chest and I was staring out into the night. I couldn’t have told you what Luka was doing, I didn’t bother to check.
“I was trying to have fun.” He told me eventually. “Is that a crime?”
Oh, I’m spoiling your fun now am I? I could feel myself rolling my eyes again, a habit I really must try to break. “No. Go have fun. If I can wait in the street by myself I can certainly walk home by myself.”
The train had pulled into my stop by then and the doors opened, allowing us access into the night. I stomped off down the platform, part of me wishing I could get myself out of this mood, but the rest realising there was no chance of that this evening. Luka was still behind me, couldn’t seem to see that it would be better if he just left it for tonight. I thought he knew me well enough to know when to leave me alone.
“Why do you have to make such a big problem out of everything?” He asked, “Like you have an insect in your anus?”
Get it right. If you really feel the need to insult me, at least get it right. “Hey.” I stopped and turned back to him, angry now rather than just moody. “It’s ‘bug up my ass’ Luka. Bug. Up. My. Ass. If you’re gonna insult me at least get the words right.”
He looked surprised at this, but quickly recovered to throw another one at me. “OK. How’s this? Stop being such a bitch.”
Ooh, I’m not the only one in a bad mood I see. “OK, fine. As soon as you grow up.”
Luka shook his head. “Right, you’re so mature. Abby you don’t even know what you want.”
No, I don’t. I’ll admit that. But you don’t know what I want either. “Yes, I do. I wanna go home.” I started to march off again, Luka hot on my heels. It was rare that Luka rose to my baiting and joined in an argument; normally he would just walk away or change the subject.
“You play games like a schoolgirl who can have any boy and treats them all like crap.”
So this is it, is it? This is what it’s all about. He’s jealous. Well, this is a new one. Luka Kovac, jealous. Ha! “Why don’t you just call me a whore and get it over with?” I threw back at him.
We were halfway down the steps to the street when suddenly Luka stopped. “I’m tired of it. You’re not that pretty, you’re not that special.”
Ouch, that hurt. For a second I couldn’t believe he’d actually said that. Luka was never the vindictive type, as I’ve said; normally he would do anything to avoid getting into an argument with me. “I’m pretty enough in the dark though, aren’t I?”
You watch me when we make love. You told me I was beautiful.
But he wouldn’t stop, it was like once his feelings, if that’s what they were, were unleashed there was no reigning them back in again. “You’re never happy. I don’t think you’re capable of being happy.”
“Six months ago you didn’t care whether I was happy.” I was walking away again, I was good at that.
“If you’re not depressed or ashamed, you’re just angry.”
“And you’re married to a ghost.”
Oh my God, I can’t believe I just said that. He was staring at me, but I couldn’t look at him, because if I did I knew I would see how much I’d just hurt him. When he spoke to me again, he sounded totally deflated. “At least I treat you with respect.”
“Oh, I know. You’re such a saint Luka.” Don’t you think I feel bad enough already, without you telling me how good you are to me, when I’m such a bitch. Bad Abby! “You’re always so good, and I’m always so bad.”
“I’m sick of being patient with you.”
Oh I know Luka. I don’t know what you’ve done to deserve me. “I’m such a mess and you’re so understanding.” I know, I know.
“I’ve put up with a lot Abby.”
OK, I know. You don’t have to keep on. “And I’m a burden.”
He was ticking my faults off on his fingers by now, metaphorically if not physically. “Carter, your mother, your moods.”
“Why don’t you just break up with me?”
Luka sighed, “I think you want me to.”
“If I’m such a horrible person how could you possibly want to be with me?”
“I don’t know how to be with you. I don’t know how to help you.” He said.
I don’t want your help Luka. Can’t you see that? I just want your love. That’s all. It’s as simple as that. “I don’t want your help. I don’t want help, I don’t want to be pitied, I don’t want to be saved.”
“OK, OK. I give up.” He sighed and stopped dead in his tracks.
“OK. What does that mean? What does it mean?”
And then he shouted at me, I don’t think he’d ever shouted at me before. He was normally so quiet and calm. “I’m done. I’m done OK. Carter can have you.”
Carter can have me? But what if I don’t want Carter? What if I want you? I nodded slowly and fiddled with a strand of hair, trying to work out what he meant. So this was it, this was really the end, was it?
“OK.” I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t know how to say I’m sorry and I love you and I need you. Those words were completely alien to me, a foreign language.
*****
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Post by charlieluby on Jul 14, 2006 3:35:23 GMT 10
Awww! Cute! Is this going to follow the actual story line or turn luby?? :)great work!!
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Post by hollygirl on Jul 14, 2006 4:04:54 GMT 10
Great update! I like how you put Abbys thoughts..Update sooooooon!!! I do hope you turn this into a happy luby situation.
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Post by lubyfan on Jul 14, 2006 7:48:06 GMT 10
Great update.
Love it!
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Post by zelda on Jul 14, 2006 23:06:19 GMT 10
Sammie, you said it all in the last sentence with very simple words: Abby doesn't know to say " I am sorry and I love you." I have been feeling this regret for 4 years until this season. Now, same question as Charlieluby: What will the next chapter be about? Misunderstanding, or better and stronger relationship?? Please update soon!This is a great fiction.
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Post by sammiejm on Jul 17, 2006 7:28:28 GMT 10
Sorry for the lack of updates I promised. My mind has been elsewhere for the last few days, as I've been reliving a teenage crush I was going through some stuff at my mums and came across my old autograph book. I met one of my idols when I was 13, saw his autograph again and it all came back to me Anyway I will pull myself together and get my mind back on Luka and Abby tomorrow!
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Post by sammiejm on Jul 18, 2006 0:43:23 GMT 10
I found this part really hard, I hope it's OK.
*****
So This Is It – Luka
We were on the El, standing at the end of one of the carriages. Abby had her back to me - she was ignoring me, or pretending to ignore me, I couldn’t work out which.
“I was trying to have fun,” I said. “Is that a crime?”
She turned towards me, rolling her eyes. “No, go have fun. If I can wait in the street by myself I can certainly walk home by myself.”
Oh, pulling the guilt card now, are we? Stop it Abby, please. It’s not all my fault that this evening hasn’t been what you wanted it to be.
The train pulled into a station and Abby got off as soon as the doors opened, so I followed her. I didn’t want her to walk home alone, I wanted to be with her, at least make sure she got home safely even if she then shut the door in my face. Chicago wasn’t safe for a woman to be wandering around alone late at night.
Despite the fact that my stride was so much longer than hers, I had to hurry to keep up with her. I could see the irritation she was feeling in every step she took. Why did she always have to get so irritated? Sometimes things just don’t go the way you want, and you have to accept that. But no, Abby had to get irritated with everything that didn’t go her way.
“Why do you have to make such a big problem out of everything?” I found myself calling out to her. “Like you have an insect in your anus?”
“Hey.” Abby stopped suddenly and turned to face me. “It’s ‘bug up my ass’ Luka. Bug. Up. My. Ass. If you’re gonna insult me at least get the words right.”
Damn, I thought I had got that one right. I hated it when she corrected my English. I pretended not to notice, but really I hated it and tonight I just couldn’t take it. “OK. How’s this? Stop being such a bitch.”
“OK fine. As soon as you grow up.”
Fair enough – I suppose I did ask for that one.
“Right, you’re so mature. Abby, you don’t even know what you want.” I was afraid that she wanted Carter, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask her.
“Yes, I do. I want to go home.”
I followed her, still wanting to make sure she got home safely, but somehow couldn’t stop myself getting more and more involved in the argument. “You play games like a schoolgirl who can have any boy and treats them all like crap.” I love you Abby, but I can’t take much more of this, really I can’t.
“Why don’t you just call me a whore and get it over with?”
That’s not what I meant. Not at all. I love you. I just don’t know where I stand with you. I don’t think I can take this uncertainty any longer.
We’d left the El station by then and were halfway down the steps to street level. Suddenly I stopped, I had to say something, but what came out of my mouth next wasn’t what I intended at all. “I’m tired of it.” I said. “You’re not that pretty, you’re not that special.”
What? What the hell did I say that for? Abby, you are the most beautiful, most special person I know.
I could see her expression change and knew that I’d hurt her. I’d gone too far, and I didn’t even mean to say those words. I didn’t want to say them.
“I’m pretty enough in the dark though, aren’t I?”
Abby, you are beautiful everywhere, all the time.
We argued back and forth, hurling insults at each other as we made our way down the steps and then suddenly she threw something at me that topped even my earlier remark. “And you’re married to a ghost.”
I’m married to a ghost. Is that what you think Abby? Really?
I felt like I’d been punched in the chest, I could hardly believe I’d heard Abby correctly. “At least I treat you with respect.” I muttered, unable to look at her.
It went on and on, and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t find the words I needed; the words to tell her I was sorry for what I had said; the words to say I love you and I want to make things right between us. I had never been very good at articulating my feelings and my emotions. So instead of trying to put my true feelings into words I carried on arguing with Abby, listening to her drag herself down and doing nothing to make her feel better.
She was hard on herself, always negative about herself and her abilities, but normally I would try and make her feel good, positive. Tonight I couldn’t do it. How could I do it when I felt so bad about myself? I couldn’t take any more. If she wanted Carter, then she could have him. Perhaps he would be able to cope with her moods and anger better than I could. Perhaps he could make her happy, because it seemed obvious that I couldn’t.
“OK. OK. I give up.” I stopped dead in my tracks. So this is it. This is how it ends does it? With us hurling insults at each other in the street? Nice. I always thought I’d have more dignity than that.
“OK. What does that mean? What does it mean?” Abby was yelling at me.
I’m jealous, OK. I’m jealous as hell of Carter and the way you talk to him, and I don’t know how to tell you that.
“I’m done.” I shouted back, possibly the first time I’d ever shouted at Abby. “I’m done OK? Carter can have you.”
I don’t want Carter to have you Abby my love. I want you to be mine forever. I want to love you and I want you to love me, but I don’t know how to do it by myself. I needed you to help me.
Abby looked at me strangely, as if she was having trouble understanding what I’d said. For a second I wondered if I had actually spoken what I’d been thinking.
“OK.” She said quietly, looking at the ground and reaching up to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear.
I wanted, so badly, to take her hand, to tell her I was sorry. Before I had the chance to move, or even think, she had turned and was walking slowly away.
*****
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Post by charlieluby on Jul 18, 2006 0:47:59 GMT 10
OMG UPDATE ASAP!!!!! ARE YOU GOING TO CHANGE WHAT HAPPENS IN THE ACTUAL STORY OR KEEP IT THE SAME? ??
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Post by sammiejm on Jul 18, 2006 0:51:08 GMT 10
OMG UPDATE ASAP!!!!! ARE YOU GOING TO CHANGE WHAT HAPPENS IN THE ACTUAL STORY OR KEEP IT THE SAME? ?? I haven't decided yet I think it might be different, but I need to work out how.
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Post by charlieluby on Jul 18, 2006 1:06:27 GMT 10
Kool! Well its amazing and i love it! It would be great if they get back together but yer!!!!! great update! great story! Love it! xxxxxxxx
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Post by zelda on Jul 18, 2006 3:43:00 GMT 10
Hi, Sammie, I think you found exactly the right words for this chapter. All along, we understand that Luka doesn't want to hurt Abby's feelings but it's difficult for him. When I read this awful line: "you are married to a ghost", I can't help thinking it's the WORST thing Abby could say to him. I hadn't noticed before how harsh and crual these words are. Maybe, it's because I'm so sensitive to Luka's feelings .... But,I think at this very moment, he had NO OTHER CHOICE than let her go... And you know HOW MUCH I love them together. Whatever you decide, I'm sure I'll like it. But this scene was terribly hard for him, I think.
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Post by luby2534 on Jul 18, 2006 4:41:12 GMT 10
Cant wait for your next update.
Please update soon
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Post by lubyfan on Jul 18, 2006 17:08:15 GMT 10
Great update
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Post by kirstin on Jul 18, 2006 19:23:21 GMT 10
Once again, amazing! The quality of your writing makes it more real than ever. Whatever you choose to happen in the next scene will be right!
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