a little dance, to introduce chapter 6!
***
Chapter 6
Panic.
It had been a week since that day. The day that she’d been tied up and trapped and helpless. The day that she hadn’t been able to stop what one woman thought was the only way to keep her baby safe. The day that had haunted her every waking minute since. If she could escape from it in sleep at least she’d have something, but the nighttimes were the worst. Afraid to shut her eyes she’d lie on the bed, barely daring to move, feeling a sense of unstoppable terror. The feeling she’d had when she was trapped in that closet. A feeling that hadn’t left her since, not for a second.
For the first few nights Luka stayed up with her watching films and old TV shows, but his busy days at the e.r left him unable to stay awake and she hated the idea of him suffering for her, so she talked him into sleeping with music playing softly in their room. At least then it wasn’t silent. It was the silence she couldn’t stand. The memory of when Daniel had stopped crying felt like a kick in the heart and every time it fell silent she felt the panic rising.
So she lay in her bed, Luka holding her protectively, not letting her feel like she was alone, even in his sleep wanting to keep her safe. She kept her lamp on, feeling like an idiot for being so afraid of the dark silent night, but knowing she wasn’t ready for any form of bravery. Ideally she would have kept Joe in the room with them, but space wouldn’t allow for that. Instead she got up every half an hour or so, checking on her beautiful baby. Watching him stir in his sleep, listening to him breathe.
The snatches of sleep she did manage to get were almost worse than being awake. Just when the fear had left her enough for her to drift into sleep the visions of Helen and her baby lying dead in a pool of blood snapped into her mind, slapping her out of sleep with a sweaty wave of terror and nausea. She hadn’t seen them, but she’d been told what had happened and her imagination couldn’t help but fill in the gaps. Daniel’s smiling face would stare up at her serenely, only to be dragged away by a laughing, crying mad woman. A woman she couldn’t stop, no matter how hard she tried.
Tonight she didn’t want to sleep, finding the nightmares more exhausting than the insomnia. She hadn’t told Luka about them, but she knew he knew from the number of times he had to shake her from a nightmare, or when she’d waken suddenly screaming and sitting bolt upright, causing him to wake up. She didn’t want to worry him, but she couldn’t cope without him, his constant protective kindness was keeping her on the right side of sane. But he had to sleep. She watched him, breathing deeply, a tiny frown on his forehead. She wondered what he was dreaming about, and tried to remember what she used to dream about before that day. That day one week ago. Shuffling closer to him, intertwining her fingers with his she lay still, listening intently to the music they had playing.
It was a David Bowie song; she smiled at the memory of when Luka had announced they didn’t have enough British artists in their collection, prompting him to immediately purchase every album Bowie had ever made. Pushing all memories and feelings aside she let the lyrics wash over her, breathing deeply in an attempt to stay as calm as she could.
Time takes a cigarette,
Puts it in your mouth.
You pull on your finger, then another finger, then cigarette.
The water wall is calling, it lingers then you forget
Oh ho ho ho
You’re a rock and roll suicide...
***
Luka sat down heavily in the doctors lounge sofa, a much needed cup of coffee in his hands. He sighed and covered his eyes with his hand, resting in the ten minute break of a typically hectic day. Kerry walked in and smiled sadly at the sight of Luka Kovac, dozing on the sofa.
“How’s Abby?”
He looked up, brushing the sleepless blur from his eyes and clearing his throat. “um, she’s doing ok...she isn’t sleeping...but the time off is giving her and Joe a lot of time together.”
Kerry smiled “I bet she likes that”
He nodded, sitting forwards to avoid falling asleep. “yeah, she does....but she, um...”
“She went through a terrible trauma Luka, it’s normal for her to be stressed out by it all”
“I know, but it’s hard not to worry.”
Kerry nodded, turning away from the coffee machine to face Luka. “how’s her leg?”
“not too bad. The crutches piss her off, but she’s coping” he smiled at the memory of Abby’s annoyance with the ‘bastard walking sticks.’ Kerry grinned in sympathy and took her coffee cup.
“She’ll get there Luka. Give her time. She’s a strong woman.”
Luka smiled at Kerry in thanks, knowing she was right. Abby was strong, but still he couldn’t help but fear that this last trauma had hit her harder than anything she’d been through before.
***
Abby turned away from the noisy cartoon she was watching with Joe as Luka walked in. she smiled sheepishly, knowing from the look on his face that he’d spoken to Ellen. He walked over and sat down next to her, smiling at the fact that Joe was so engrossed in his favorite show that he hadn’t even looked up. He lent forward and muzzied Joe’s dark hair playfully, causing his son to giggle and slap him away, still not looking away from the TV. Luka laughed “well, he loves his TV”
Abby smiled as Luka held her hand. “And we worried about him liking the nanny more than us.”
Luka’s smile faded and he looked away from Abby. She noticed and looked down at her lap.
“I didn’t mean to get angry with her.”
He nodded. “She was worried about you Abby...” he looked at her, not sure what to say.
“I just saw the blood and I freaked out... I know it wasn’t her fault and he’s fallen down a million times before...was she upset?”
Luka shook his head. “She knows you’re not feeling great right now. She’ll be ok.”
Abby nodded and held a hand up to her eyes, not wanting Luka to see she was crying but knowing he would.
“Hey, it’s ok. Really.”
She shook her head and wiped furiously at her eyes. “no Luka, it’s not ok. I’m not ok. I don’t feel...it hurts, so much and I...”
The theme tune to Joe’s cartoon blared out from the TV then, signaling its end. He bounced up, clambering onto his dad’s lap with a brilliant grin, giving Luka a sloppy kiss on the face.
“that’s for you!”
Luka turned away from Abby and smiled at his son, “well thank you.” He grabbed him by the belly so he was lying on his legs, head hanging over the edge of Luka’s knees giggling wildly. Luka leant down and kissed his tummy then pulled him back up to kiss him on the forehead “and that’s for you.”
Abby smiled at her son, wiping the tears from her face. He looked at her then and his smile faded. Looking back at his dad solemnly he whispered “why is mommy crying?”
Abby smiled at him and shook her head “no, mommy’s ok.” She stretched her arms out for a hug and Joe leapt from Luka’s lap to hers, hugging her tightly. He pulled back, still not convinced she was really ok. “Are you sad because you hurt your leg?”
Abby chuckled. “Yes. You could say that. But I’m ok now... But hey, you know what would make it better?”
Joe shook his head, taking her question very seriously.
“A kiss would make me feel much better”
Joe grinned and leant forward, kissing his mother repeatedly on the cheek. Luka smiled happily as he watched his wife and child. He knew there were things they had to work through, but he was glad of the childish glee Joe brought them. Noticing the band aid on his knee he was reminded of what Ellen had told him.
She’d come to see him at the hospital which she very rarely did, but she was obviously worried about Abby’s behavior. She’d told Luka how Joe had fallen down while the three of them were at the park that day. Abby had been sat on a bench resting her leg, as Ellen played with Joe on the swings. It was as Joe had started to run back towards his mother that he’d tripped and fallen, cutting his knee and immediately bursting out crying from the shock of the fall more than the pain. Normally Abby was great with Joe’s cuts and scrapes, years of being a nurse and doctor making her un-phased by even the nastiest of cuts, and a wonderful mother’s intuition enabling her to stay calm as her child screamed and hollered. She would usually pick Joe back up to his feet, being sympathetic with his misery but not worrying him by joining his fall provoked panic, then she’d sit him down, administer a colorful band-aid and a big kiss telling him how brave he was being until he was happy enough to keep playing. But this time had been different.
Ellen had watched as Joe fell, then as Abby rushed from the bench, ignoring her plastered foot and running on it without any regard for her own well-being. She’d swooped down on her son in a panic, making his cry louder and more afraid. Seeing the blood running down his leg she’d looked up at Ellen with fear in her eyes. Fear that didn’t need to be there for such a tiny cut. Ellen had rushed forwards, pulling the small first aid kit she always kept with her from her pocket and handing it over to Abby, but Abby’s hands were shaking so much that she couldn’t open the plastic. Angrily she gave up. Hugging Joe tightly as he cried.
Ellen had dealt with the cut on Joe’s leg and helped Abby back to the bench with her son who was now exhausted from crying, clinging tightly to his mother. She smiled sheepishly at Abby who still hadn’t said a word.
“Abby, are you ok?”
And Abby had turned on her angrily then, “no I am not ok. Did you see him fall? He could’ve really hurt himself and you were supposed to be watching him!”
“Abby he falls all the time, you know that...”
“well its not good enough Ellen. He’s my son!”
Ellen had stared in shock, not knowing what to say with Abby acting so strangely. “I’m sorry.”
“can you just go please. We’re ok here. Please just go.”
So Ellen had nodded slowly and walked away, not knowing how to argue with a woman she had always considered a good friend.
Luka knew that it was post traumatic stress disorder causing the change in his wife’s behavior. He’d read enough about it, and treated enough patients with it. What Abby had gone through was exactly the sort of ordeal that would leave even the strongest people crippled with anxiety. But knowing what she was suffering from and knowing how to help her were two different things. He wanted so much for her to be happy and care-free that it felt physically exhausting.
Forcing a smile, he stood up “ok, so what do we want for dinner?”
Joe looked up at his dad, excited at the prospect of eating. “pizza!”
“Pizza?” he looked at Abby who nodded her approval. “why not, pizza it is then, for my darling boy.” He lifted Joe into his arms, then leant down to kiss Abby “and my amazing wife.”
***
Three weeks later...
Abby hobbled back to Joe with a bowl-full of fruit and yogurt. The cast from her foot was gone, a slight limp and an ankle bandage the only hint that it had ever been broken. It had healed well the doctors had told her. She’d forced a smile, glad that her leg was fine but wishing the other aspects of her health would heal.
No-one was forcing her back to work, but she was going crazy being in the flat by herself whenever Joe was out at his daycare group. She kept the TV on as well as music, never letting it fall silent, but still every loud noise in the street made her jump.
She handed the bowl to Joe who grinned up at her as he took it “ta.”
“you’re welcome. Eat that up, then Ellen’s coming to get you to take you to Cynthia’s ok?”
Joe nodded, too busy with his food to look up or talk.
Abby packed things into his child-sized back-pack, jumping as she heard a knock at the door. She sighed angrily at her involuntary fearful response. Joe leapt up at the sound of the door, having finished his food in record time. He ran excitedly to the door. “yay! Ellen!”
Abby rushed towards him stopping him from trying to reach up to the door knob, though she knew he wouldn’t be able to open it.
“Joe no! What have I told you? Let Mommy open the door, it might not be safe.” She stared at her son, watching as the excitement left his eyes and was replaced by a grumpy distance. He wriggled from her grip and went to pick his coat up. She sighed again, knowing she’d over-reacted. Opening the door to Ellen she forced a smile and watched as Joe ran towards his child-minder, hugging her legs tightly. Ellen laughed and smiled at Abby, picking up Joe’s bag for him. “Ok big guy are we ready to go?”
“Yeah!”
She looked at Abby, seeing the distant unsmiling expression that had been on her face so often these last few weeks. “how’s it going Abby? You going back to work soon?”
Abby nodded, snapping herself out of a wave of self directed frustration. “yeah, I’ll be glad to get back.”
“ok, well I’ll get this little monster out of your hair.”
“thanks Ellen.” She watched as Ellen gripped Joe’s hand, leading him out of the apartment. “oh Ellen, I just wanted to apologize...”
Ellen frowned “what for?”
“you know, I’ve been acting like a total psycho these last few weeks”
“oh no Abby...”
“yeah, I have, I know I have. I’ve taken it out on you far too many times and I’m sorry...maybe once I’m back at work things will be a bit easier.”
Ellen nodded, smiling sadly. Joe tugged at her arm and she began to walk away “take care Abby. And really, don’t worry about me. Honest.” With that said she turned to Joe, giving him the attention he was demanding, shutting the door to the apartment behind her.
Abby stood in the silence for a second, before holding her hands over her ears “God damn!” she rushed over to the TV and turned it on letting the noise blare out into the empty room.
***
“Kovac!?”
Luka looked up at Pratt who’d called his name twice without him noticing. He shook himself out of his daydream and cleared his throat, aware of how out of it he was acting. “yeah?”
“You ok? I’ve been calling you for the last two minutes”
“yeah, I’m fine, just a little sleep deprived...”
Pratt nodded. Everyone at County had heard what Abby had been through, and though none of them had seen her since the tragedy occurred, her state of mind was obvious from Luka’s constantly troubled appearance. “When’s Abby coming back to work?”
“not sure...she wants to get back as soon as she can but...” he shook his head sadly.
Pratt patted him on the back in a gesture of manly support. “hey, why don’t you head back early, me and Morris have things covered here.”
“no I’m fine, I still have patients...”
Pratt took the chart from Luka and looked him in the eye. “Seriously. Go home. Be with Abby.”
“you sure?”
Pratt nodded, smiling as Luka took a final glance around the e.r then reluctantly walked away to get his things and leave.
***
Luka pulled his keys out of his pocket but stopped as he realized the front door was slightly ajar. Frowning he quickened his pace, opening the door to his home and scanning the room. “Abby?!”
He threw his keys down and rushed into the apartment, noticing that all the doors to the rooms were wide open. He checked the bathroom, then the bedroom and stopped at the sight of Abby sitting on the bed, holding one of Joe’s old baby tops. He stopped in the doorway, panting to catch his breath. “Abby?”
She looked round at him, wiping tears from her eyes. He walked over to her immediately, wrapping his arms around her as he sat down beside her on the bed. He spoke in a whisper, barely audible over the music and TV sounds blaring through the apartment. “Abby, you left the door open.”
She nodded, holding him tightly, tears shining in her eyes. “I um...it just felt safer that way.”
“with the front door open?”
“I’m sorry...I just couldn’t bear to be shut in here.”
Luka closed his eyes against tears. He knew that Helen Roberts was a schizophrenic, though her actions were hardly excusable, she had suffered from an illness. Her actions weren’t the result of hate, but of fear and confused love. However, at that moment Luka hated her. Hated what she had done to the woman he loved. He held Abby tighter.
“Luka I’m losing it...I thought I’d get through this, but I’m really losing it...”
He shook his head, pulling her back from him to look into her eyes. “You’re going to be ok Abby. I know you are.”
She looked up at him, trying to share his belief in her, but the sadness in her eyes showed that she simply couldn’t. She looked down, avoiding his gaze as she spoke. “There was a couple outside the apartment. The woman had a baby and they were arguing about something. Shouting at each other over some stupid little problem they were having. Their baby was screaming and I...” she shook her head at the memory. “the baby was screaming, so I hid. I got scared, so I went to the bathroom and I hid.” She laughed and looked up at her husband, not wanting him to know how much she was freaking out, but unable to keep it to herself any more. “I can’t stand the silence, or the dark, or being in locked rooms, or behind closed doors. I get so scared when I hear a baby crying I have to hide! I didn’t even know what I was hiding from?” tears ran down her face as she fought to calm down.
“Abby it’s PTSD, you know it is...” he stroked the side of her face, gently turning her head so she was facing him again. “You are the strongest person I know Abby, but you can’t do this alone. I can’t help you enough and...” he swallowed back tears before continuing, “please see the psychiatrist. We can get through this Abby, but we need help.”
She looked down sadly, knowing he was right but dreading the idea of it. “I just want to forget.”
“I know...I’m not saying it will be easy, but let’s get through this. Ok?”
She looked up, searching his eyes and seeing the confidence and love he had for her. She smiled sadly and nodded. “Ok.”
***