Chapter Five
It wasn’t until April that a sense of despair pervaded her again. Spring had finally reached the Windy City, but its beauty was lost on her. Sanity, sobriety- they were both slipping from her grasp.
It wasn’t Luka. Things with him were wonderful; he was wonderful. They’d been quite content for last month or so. Carter was, amazingly, behaving himself; once his original feelings of betrayal had faded.
Work was hectic as always. Some days more than others; like today for example. She felt like she couldn’t catch her breathe; every time she turned around there was another patient, another doctor, or a fellow nurse wanting her attention. Working triage earlier had put her in a foul mood that not even Luka could shake.
But that wasn’t it, not by a long shot. There was also this heaviness that settled in the pit of her stomach, it was something she couldn’t explain and didn’t understand. Her bad temper didn’t define it, but merely compounded what she already felt.
“Abby, patient in two is calling for you.” Malik said, walking past her.
“Okay, thanks.”
“Can you take over triage for me, Abby?” Connie asked. “I’m due for a break.”
“So was I, an hour ago.”
“Please?” Connie begged. Abby rolled her eyes.
“I have to check in my patient in two, can you wait five minutes?”
“Actually…”
“Five minutes.” She repeated, heading to exam two. “So what seems to be the problem?” The words had barely left her mouth when the woman vomited all over her.
“Sorry.” Ms. Anderson mumbled before passing out.
“Perfect.” Picking up a nearby phone, she called for housekeeping. She checked her vitals. The woman’s blood pressure was alarming. “Get Dr. Lewis.” She ordered one of the nurses. Susan ran in a minute later.
“What’s the matter?”
“She threw up, and then passed out. Her BP’s dropped.”
“Damn.” The heart monitors started blipping in warning.
“She’s in V-tach.” Thirty minutes later Ms. Anderson was dead. She relieved Connie after changing into a clean pair of scrubs.
“Connie, I’m ready to take over now.” Connie shot out of the chair.
“Thanks so much, Abby.” She rushed off.
“Sure, no problem.” She sat there for two hours. Another couple hours of juggling 40 patients and her shift was mercifully over. Luka’s shift wasn’t over until 12, so she left without him.
Sitting on the couch a short while later, she had the strongest urge for a drink. Tired and depressed, she gave in. Luka always kept a few beers and a stash of vodka in one of the kitchen cabinets. He thought she didn’t know about it. She only wanted one beer, just to help her unwind.
The bottle made a soft
pop as she opened. She savored the first taste, fully enjoying it. Already she could feel the alcohol relaxing her body. As much as she wanted to, it didn’t stop that night at one. It didn’t stop at two or even five. Throw in a few shots of vodka, and by the time Luka was home, she was completely trashed. He didn’t say a word, just picked up the empty beers and put away the rest.
“No, don’t take it away! We were just getting reacquainted.” She started to giggle, but one look from Luka silenced her.
“I think you’ve had quite enough. I’m going to bed, are you coming?” He asked firmly.
“You aren’t going to yell at me?” He looked down at her, his eyes showing complete fatigue.
“No, I’m not. I’m tired; it’s been a long day. It’s not my idea of fun to come home and find my girlfriend pissing drunk, especially when she’s being trying to quit drinking.” He held out a hand to her. “Are you coming or not?” She looked up at him, taking his hand.
He held her closer than normal that night. While she was sleeping, he traced her hairline, savoring the soft skin beneath his fingers. She was beautiful. He swept back the hair from her neck, kissing her there. He didn’t see drunk or divorced or nurse. He just saw Abby- beautiful, strong Abby.
“Why do you torture yourself like this, Abby? Am I still not enough for you? Can’t I make you happy? Please, just let me help you. I love you.” He whispered in Croatian. Abby, barely awake, heard
Volim te. She knew what it meant and it scared her.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sleep evaded him that night; thoughts tormented and taunted him. He wanted to be there for Abby, wanted to shoulder her pain. He couldn’t, and that realization nearly killed him. Wasn’t much of a hero after all. His own problems pulled at him, tearing holes in his fragile happiness. Unbeknownst to Abby, the desire- the same one she had fought and lost tonight- was one that beckoned to him. Her low spirits affected him in ways he hadn’t even known was possible. It had been a week; a week of unspoken words, of silent suffering for them both.
Happiness was a façade for them. A mere mask that hid what lay beneath- despair, sorrow, and their ultimate demise.
He thought that somehow, after that first night, that they would make it. He had foolishly believed that they would be okay. But the Fates were conspiring against them and now he doubted that they would ever be truly free. Their respective pasts would always catch up to them, always. Life would never make sense. Only one thing was imminent. Death. He’d escaped its clutches so far; and when he was with Abby he felt as though he could escape it forever. She gave him hope, joy, and life. But there were times, like tonight, when he stepped out of their little world and was again confronted with their reality. Even together, things weren’t perfect.
“Luka?” She broke into his thoughts. “What are you doing awake?” It must’ve been about 2 a.m. and she was beginning to sound somewhat sober.
“Just couldn’t sleep.” A hand on his chest. An arm around her, resting against her back. Lips meeting. It wasn’t long before their clothes were abandoned. The passion was there, the undeclared love. Then, just as before, while she slept he lay there thinking.
They needed each other, desperately. Alone life had chewed them up and spit them out again. Maybe together they could win at life. And then he finally drifted off.