Post by lubylover319 on Apr 5, 2006 8:53:49 GMT 10
*First verse from “Trying” by Lifehouse
*Second Verse from “Shoot the Moon” by Norah Jones
Chapter Seven: Trying
I walked through the emergency room doors for what feels like the thousandth time. Never mind that I’ve been gone for nearly a year. It’s nice to be back. I feel useless in Africa sometimes, causing more harm then good.
I paused, taking in all the new faces, remembering the old ones. They were all gone, some for good. Carol and Doug had long since left, happy with Kate and Tess in Seattle. Lucy’s dead, Mark too. Elizabeth is gone, that was my fault. Chen I haven’t seen for the longest time. Then again, we haven’t been friends for a while; she changed on me and here I am, still the same. A little more broken and a little more humble, but essentially the same. At least Susan and Abby are still here. I strolled over to the desk, acting as though I still belonged, still had a place at County.
Abby had her back to me, talking on the phone. She was arguing with someone; I feel sorry for them. I tapped her on the shoulder. Abby waved a hand at me, not turning around.
“No, I am not going to wait another day. Listen, I have a patient that needs a bed in ICU today.” There was a pause. “No… no. Don’t put me on- damn it!” She turned, speaking as she did. “What the hell-” She gaped at me and I stared at her, both shocked.
“Carter! You’re back!”
“And you’re… pregnant!” I answered her unspoken question, a bit distracted. “I’m in town for some business, the Carter Foundation.”
“Really? Well, as you can see,” Abby rested a hand on her stomach. “A lot has happened since you left. I can’t leave right now but why don’t we catch up over coffee later? I’ve got a break in an hour.” Abby said.
“Meet you across the street at 2 then.” She smiled and walked off. I looked around, hands in my pockets. So, now what? It didn’t take me long to find out that Susan was gone now, too.
It was about forty- five minutes later when I made my way across to Ike’s. There was still a bite to the air. It should be warming up soon, it was April after all. I sat at a table, holding off on ordering until Abby arrived.
I can’t believe Abby’s pregnant. She never wanted kids, didn’t want to give them her mother’s disease. I found it all very ironic. All I want is for my son to be alive, and I can’t have that- I will never have him again. Yet Abby, who never wanted to be a mother, is having a baby.
It was hard not to be bitter as I thought of how happy she looked. Beautiful too. She really seemed to want this.
Her world was finally coming together just as mine was beginning to fall apart. The guy, and I had the feeling it was Luka, was damn lucky to have her. Not that I wanted her. I nearly laughed out loud as I thought of how I nearly married Abby. If she was unhappy with Luka, she was miserable with me. We were great friends, but terrible lovers. We drove each other crazy; I was always trying to fix her, she was always accusing me of not accepting her for who she was.
I jumped at the chance to join Luka in the Congo. Africa was my chance to get away from it all and gain a sense of perspective. Luka and I, once enemies, became friends. All too soon, it was time to head back to Chicago, back to my shitty life and my shitty job. Abby and I picked up right where we left off, tearing each other apart. And then, Luka was dead. I found myself back on a plane. I’ve saved countless lives as a doctor, but it’s something else to save a friend’s. That moment at the airport sending Luka back home cemented our friendship. I sort of found myself there. For a while, my life actually meant something.
Then there was the whirlwind that was Kem. I know I must’ve hurt Abby; first with that ridiculous letter and again when I brought back a pregnant Kem. I mentally winced. I wonder if she would feel better knowing that my marriage was on the rocks, and that I envy her all she has. She’s found what I’ve been looking for my entire life. Love. A family. True happiness.
It all slipped through my fingers when our baby died. Oh sure, we rediscovered the love we had in Paris, but that shriveled up as well. There was just too much to get past. All our energy was spent trying to regain all we had lost.
Abby sat down, bringing Carter out of his thoughts.
“Hey.” His brown eyes showed pain, briefly, as he looked over at her. She bit her lip, remembering how he and Kem had lost their baby. ‘And here I am, six months pregnant.’ Abby, for once, felt like she had it together. Carter could no longer say she didn’t know what she wanted from life. She was living her dream, and he looked like he was drowning in his. Her feeling of superiority was immediately squashed by one of guilt. ‘He doesn’t deserve this, even after all the shit he put me through. Carter should be happy- especially because life’s put him through just as much shit.’
“Hey. I didn’t order drinks yet. Wasn’t sure what you wanted.” Carter raised a hand, trying to catch the waitress’s attention. She came over.
“Can I get you two something?” She asked, pen and paper ready. Carter looked to Abby.
“I’ll have a hot chocolate.” Abby said.
“And I’ll just have a coffee. Thanks.”
“Alright, it’ll be out in a few minutes.” The waitress said, and then she walked off towards another customer.
“How have you been, Carter?” Abby asked.
“I’ve been better. I came in from Darfur. It’s a mess in the Sudan, Abby. Part of the reason I came over was to see if I could convince Luka to come back with me. We need experienced doctors out there and he’s one of the best.” Abby’s smile faltered a little and Carter knew he had her.
“Oh? Well, he’s Chief of Emergency Medicine now. He can’t just… leave.”
“Really? Luka’s chief? He’s a good guy, he deserves it.”
“Yes, he does.” Abby said softly.
“You two are together again, aren’t you?” Carter said. Abby blushed.
“Since October.” Carter did some quick mental math and then chuckled.
“That was fast. You’re what, 24 weeks?”
“27, actually.” She laughed. “My life is crazy right now, but I love it.”
“If anyone should be happy, it’s you. Anyway, I already talked to Luka, a few weeks ago. He told me no, said something about how he wasn’t coming out anytime soon. I was puzzled then, but I understand now. He doesn’t want to leave you.” Abby’s look of annoyance softened at the last sentence.
“If you knew that, why did you mention it?”
“To see your reaction. Luka and I do talk some.” He said, laughing.
“Carter! That’s not funny.” She swatted his arm. He stopped laughing. “Thank you. So, other than Darfur, how are things?” Abby asked.
“Well… Kem and I are married now.” She didn’t look surprised, but she did smile.
“Congratulations.” He could see that she meant it.
“Thanks.”
“How’s married life?” Abby watched as Carter rubbed the back of his neck, a sign he was uncomfortable.
“A lot harder than I thought it would be. Losing Joshua was a hard blow to both of us.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Don’t be.” He shrugged. “How’s Maggie doing?” Abby let him change the subject. They were both familiar with pain and sometimes it hurt too much to talk about it.
“She’s doing well, on her meds. I told her about the baby and she’s ecstatic.”
“Driving you crazy?”
“Of course.” They continued to talking about various things.
“Carter!” Carter stood up to greet Luka, offering a hand.
“Hey, Luka!” Carter was pulled into a hug, Luka nearly squeezing the life out of him.
“You mentioned coming in, but I didn’t think you’d be here so soon. How was the flight?” Luka asked, sitting next to Abby.
“Don’t even ask. International traveling is the pits.”
“It’s even worse when you’re over six feet tall.” The two men laughed at that. Abby suddenly became a spectator in the conversation, but somehow she didn’t mind. “How’s Kem doing? Still in Paris?” Luka asked, stealing Abby’s cup. That earned him a glare. He just smiled and took a sip, returning it with a kiss.
“No, she’s back in Kisangani. The Darfur stint has lasted longer that I expected. I’m trying to talk her into coming out with me next time.”
“Good luck with that one.” Abby was amazed, listening to the two talk. She had no idea how close they had become.
“Thanks. I’m going to need it. I was really hoping to talk you into coming back with me. You didn’t give much of a reason on the phone. I can’t believe you kept all this a secret!” Luka laughed.
“It’s more fun that way.” Carter shook his head. “You’re in Chicago for a week, right?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Well, Abby and I just moved into a house together. A bunch of the staff are coming over for a house heating party.” Abby rolled her eyes and correcting him.
“Housewarming.” He looked at Abby, ignoring her correction but seeking her approval. She nodded.
“We were hoping you would come.” Luka finished.
“I’d love to. When is it?” Carter asked.
“Tuesday, 5 o’ clock.” Abby said just as her pager went off, followed shortly by Luka’s. Luka stood and then helped Abby up.
“Let me give you the address.” Abby took a pen from Luka’s shirt pocket. She bent over on the table to write it down. Carter caught Luka appreciating the view and the two men shared a grin. Abby was completely oblivious as she stood up and handed Carter the piece of paper. Carter gave Abby a hug and then shook Luka’s hand. He sat down at the table again and watched them cross the street. What he wouldn’t give to have what they did. It was torture watching them, they were truly in love. However, they were his friends and he wished them the best.
*Second Verse from “Shoot the Moon” by Norah Jones
Chapter Seven: Trying
I walked through the emergency room doors for what feels like the thousandth time. Never mind that I’ve been gone for nearly a year. It’s nice to be back. I feel useless in Africa sometimes, causing more harm then good.
I paused, taking in all the new faces, remembering the old ones. They were all gone, some for good. Carol and Doug had long since left, happy with Kate and Tess in Seattle. Lucy’s dead, Mark too. Elizabeth is gone, that was my fault. Chen I haven’t seen for the longest time. Then again, we haven’t been friends for a while; she changed on me and here I am, still the same. A little more broken and a little more humble, but essentially the same. At least Susan and Abby are still here. I strolled over to the desk, acting as though I still belonged, still had a place at County.
Abby had her back to me, talking on the phone. She was arguing with someone; I feel sorry for them. I tapped her on the shoulder. Abby waved a hand at me, not turning around.
“No, I am not going to wait another day. Listen, I have a patient that needs a bed in ICU today.” There was a pause. “No… no. Don’t put me on- damn it!” She turned, speaking as she did. “What the hell-” She gaped at me and I stared at her, both shocked.
“Carter! You’re back!”
“And you’re… pregnant!” I answered her unspoken question, a bit distracted. “I’m in town for some business, the Carter Foundation.”
“Really? Well, as you can see,” Abby rested a hand on her stomach. “A lot has happened since you left. I can’t leave right now but why don’t we catch up over coffee later? I’ve got a break in an hour.” Abby said.
“Meet you across the street at 2 then.” She smiled and walked off. I looked around, hands in my pockets. So, now what? It didn’t take me long to find out that Susan was gone now, too.
It was about forty- five minutes later when I made my way across to Ike’s. There was still a bite to the air. It should be warming up soon, it was April after all. I sat at a table, holding off on ordering until Abby arrived.
I can’t believe Abby’s pregnant. She never wanted kids, didn’t want to give them her mother’s disease. I found it all very ironic. All I want is for my son to be alive, and I can’t have that- I will never have him again. Yet Abby, who never wanted to be a mother, is having a baby.
It was hard not to be bitter as I thought of how happy she looked. Beautiful too. She really seemed to want this.
Her world was finally coming together just as mine was beginning to fall apart. The guy, and I had the feeling it was Luka, was damn lucky to have her. Not that I wanted her. I nearly laughed out loud as I thought of how I nearly married Abby. If she was unhappy with Luka, she was miserable with me. We were great friends, but terrible lovers. We drove each other crazy; I was always trying to fix her, she was always accusing me of not accepting her for who she was.
I jumped at the chance to join Luka in the Congo. Africa was my chance to get away from it all and gain a sense of perspective. Luka and I, once enemies, became friends. All too soon, it was time to head back to Chicago, back to my shitty life and my shitty job. Abby and I picked up right where we left off, tearing each other apart. And then, Luka was dead. I found myself back on a plane. I’ve saved countless lives as a doctor, but it’s something else to save a friend’s. That moment at the airport sending Luka back home cemented our friendship. I sort of found myself there. For a while, my life actually meant something.
Then there was the whirlwind that was Kem. I know I must’ve hurt Abby; first with that ridiculous letter and again when I brought back a pregnant Kem. I mentally winced. I wonder if she would feel better knowing that my marriage was on the rocks, and that I envy her all she has. She’s found what I’ve been looking for my entire life. Love. A family. True happiness.
It all slipped through my fingers when our baby died. Oh sure, we rediscovered the love we had in Paris, but that shriveled up as well. There was just too much to get past. All our energy was spent trying to regain all we had lost.
“When we all want to seem like we've got it all figured out
I may be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
And god I pretend like I do just
Trying to find my way
Trying to find my way the best that I know how”
I may be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
And god I pretend like I do just
Trying to find my way
Trying to find my way the best that I know how”
Abby sat down, bringing Carter out of his thoughts.
“Hey.” His brown eyes showed pain, briefly, as he looked over at her. She bit her lip, remembering how he and Kem had lost their baby. ‘And here I am, six months pregnant.’ Abby, for once, felt like she had it together. Carter could no longer say she didn’t know what she wanted from life. She was living her dream, and he looked like he was drowning in his. Her feeling of superiority was immediately squashed by one of guilt. ‘He doesn’t deserve this, even after all the shit he put me through. Carter should be happy- especially because life’s put him through just as much shit.’
“Hey. I didn’t order drinks yet. Wasn’t sure what you wanted.” Carter raised a hand, trying to catch the waitress’s attention. She came over.
“Can I get you two something?” She asked, pen and paper ready. Carter looked to Abby.
“I’ll have a hot chocolate.” Abby said.
“And I’ll just have a coffee. Thanks.”
“Alright, it’ll be out in a few minutes.” The waitress said, and then she walked off towards another customer.
“How have you been, Carter?” Abby asked.
“I’ve been better. I came in from Darfur. It’s a mess in the Sudan, Abby. Part of the reason I came over was to see if I could convince Luka to come back with me. We need experienced doctors out there and he’s one of the best.” Abby’s smile faltered a little and Carter knew he had her.
“Oh? Well, he’s Chief of Emergency Medicine now. He can’t just… leave.”
“Really? Luka’s chief? He’s a good guy, he deserves it.”
“Yes, he does.” Abby said softly.
“You two are together again, aren’t you?” Carter said. Abby blushed.
“Since October.” Carter did some quick mental math and then chuckled.
“That was fast. You’re what, 24 weeks?”
“27, actually.” She laughed. “My life is crazy right now, but I love it.”
“If anyone should be happy, it’s you. Anyway, I already talked to Luka, a few weeks ago. He told me no, said something about how he wasn’t coming out anytime soon. I was puzzled then, but I understand now. He doesn’t want to leave you.” Abby’s look of annoyance softened at the last sentence.
“If you knew that, why did you mention it?”
“To see your reaction. Luka and I do talk some.” He said, laughing.
“Carter! That’s not funny.” She swatted his arm. He stopped laughing. “Thank you. So, other than Darfur, how are things?” Abby asked.
“Well… Kem and I are married now.” She didn’t look surprised, but she did smile.
“Congratulations.” He could see that she meant it.
“Thanks.”
“How’s married life?” Abby watched as Carter rubbed the back of his neck, a sign he was uncomfortable.
“A lot harder than I thought it would be. Losing Joshua was a hard blow to both of us.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Don’t be.” He shrugged. “How’s Maggie doing?” Abby let him change the subject. They were both familiar with pain and sometimes it hurt too much to talk about it.
“She’s doing well, on her meds. I told her about the baby and she’s ecstatic.”
“Driving you crazy?”
“Of course.” They continued to talking about various things.
“Carter!” Carter stood up to greet Luka, offering a hand.
“Hey, Luka!” Carter was pulled into a hug, Luka nearly squeezing the life out of him.
“You mentioned coming in, but I didn’t think you’d be here so soon. How was the flight?” Luka asked, sitting next to Abby.
“Don’t even ask. International traveling is the pits.”
“It’s even worse when you’re over six feet tall.” The two men laughed at that. Abby suddenly became a spectator in the conversation, but somehow she didn’t mind. “How’s Kem doing? Still in Paris?” Luka asked, stealing Abby’s cup. That earned him a glare. He just smiled and took a sip, returning it with a kiss.
“No, she’s back in Kisangani. The Darfur stint has lasted longer that I expected. I’m trying to talk her into coming out with me next time.”
“Good luck with that one.” Abby was amazed, listening to the two talk. She had no idea how close they had become.
“Thanks. I’m going to need it. I was really hoping to talk you into coming back with me. You didn’t give much of a reason on the phone. I can’t believe you kept all this a secret!” Luka laughed.
“It’s more fun that way.” Carter shook his head. “You’re in Chicago for a week, right?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Well, Abby and I just moved into a house together. A bunch of the staff are coming over for a house heating party.” Abby rolled her eyes and correcting him.
“Housewarming.” He looked at Abby, ignoring her correction but seeking her approval. She nodded.
“We were hoping you would come.” Luka finished.
“I’d love to. When is it?” Carter asked.
“Tuesday, 5 o’ clock.” Abby said just as her pager went off, followed shortly by Luka’s. Luka stood and then helped Abby up.
“Let me give you the address.” Abby took a pen from Luka’s shirt pocket. She bent over on the table to write it down. Carter caught Luka appreciating the view and the two men shared a grin. Abby was completely oblivious as she stood up and handed Carter the piece of paper. Carter gave Abby a hug and then shook Luka’s hand. He sat down at the table again and watched them cross the street. What he wouldn’t give to have what they did. It was torture watching them, they were truly in love. However, they were his friends and he wished them the best.
“The summer days are gone too soon
You shoot the moon
And miss completely
And now you're left to face the gloom
The empty room that once smelled sweetly
Of all the flowers you plucked if only
You knew the reason
Why you had to each be lonely
Was it just the season?
Now the fall is here again
You can't begin to give in
It's all over”
You shoot the moon
And miss completely
And now you're left to face the gloom
The empty room that once smelled sweetly
Of all the flowers you plucked if only
You knew the reason
Why you had to each be lonely
Was it just the season?
Now the fall is here again
You can't begin to give in
It's all over”