Verse from “One Step Closer” by Linkin Park
Chapter Thirteen: One Step CloserIt had been three days and I still couldn’t believe it. Carter’s ‘little gift’ had been the key to a PT Cruiser (It was a beautiful shade of midnight blue, by the way). Not only that, but inside the car were papers for a trust fund that Carter had set up for his godchild. That was Carter, though, extravagant. I almost didn’t want to accept it all, but Luka talked me down.
“Abby, you can’t say no to this. It means a lot to him. He has no child of his own, yet.” I turned away, not even able to look at him. I was upset, feeling like the Abby of a few years ago. I was the woman everyone wanted to ‘help.’ I hate that feeling; of helplessness and worthlessness, of needing people to lead me out of my misery. I wasn’t any of those things now and I wasn’t about to let anyone take me there again.
“Don’t bring his dead child into this. It’s too much. He just spent $25, 000 on a car, for us! That doesn’t even include the $10, 000 trust fund.”
“Just take it Abby, it’s his way of… making things up.”
“What did he ever do to us?”
“It’s not
about us. It’s about him, about… redeeming himself. It’s hard to explain, but I understand why he’s doing it. Just accept the gift, for him, Abby.” I let out a sigh, spinning around to face him as I turned my head. I surrendered and Luka gave me one of his brilliant smiles.
The next day I was off to Neela’s, only seeing Luka at work.
Neela and I had a great time. We watched chick flicks, pigged out, and had a chance to spend time together for the first time in a long time. Of course we went for a spin in the new car. I had to give it to Carter, he knew how to pick the best. I got all my packing done (Neela wouldn’t let me do any of the lifting, it was like having another Luka around) and arranged to sign the lease on my apartment over to Neela.
It wasn’t until my final night there that Neela broached the subject of her marriage and her affair. It wasn’t really a matter of figuring out what she was going to do. She knew things couldn’t go on with Michael as they were. And she realized that she would carry the memories of this with her forever.
“I find the answers aren't so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again”
Marriage isn’t something to be taken lightly, or to enter into without thought. If there was one thing I’d learned, it was that. I just wish I could’ve kept her from the heartache of learning that lesson first hand. I wish I’d warned her of what she was about to do; but those eyes, they held a sort of innocence in them. Far be it for me to show her the raw truth. I couldn’t stop her that day; the look she gave me a silent plea for understanding. All she wanted was support, and I gave it to her. And now? I held her in my arms as she sobbed, though it broke my heart to see her this way.
“I’ve made such a mess of things, Abby. How many will I hurt, how much will I torture myself, before I’m happy? Or even bloody satisfied.” She struggled through her tears. “I’m so selfish.” She whispered. I stroked her hair, trying to think of something to say that would help. The only thing I came up with was clichéd, if anything else.
“You know, they say you can’t pick who you fall in love with. So it isn’t technically all your fault.” She sat up and looked at me.
“Oh that’s rubbish, and you know that. The only person I can blame for this is me.” Neela wiped at her eyes. I handed her a tissue, giving her a pointed look.
“What are you going to do about it?”
“Call Michael, I suppose. I might just take your advice and take a damn vacation. God, and I thought internship was stressful. Never screw two men at the same time Abby; it will make life much simpler.”
“Uh, I’ll keep that in mind. Besides, it’s not really my style.” We shared a smile. Her smile faltered a bit as she went on.
“You know, it isn’t just what happened with Ray. It’s a large part of it, but I can’t stop thinking of Michael’s parents. They
hate each other. She blames him for ruining her life in the military; he accuses her of not supporting him enough. I don’t want that for us. I can’t live like that, knowing that’s how we’ll turn out. I don’t want to
be bitter and resentful. When Micahel left me, to go back over there, a little piece me hated him. It’s already started. I love them both and neither way is easy, but my love for Michael isn’t strong enough to pass this test. It’s over for us.” The tears began again and I pulled her back into my arms, damn my maternal instincts. I didn’t say much, just rocked back and forth with her.
Now I stood at the door to my house, awaiting the big ‘surprise!’ on the other side. Not that it was much of a surprise. I let out a breath as I opened the door.
“Surprise!” Yeah, just as I predicted. I did burst into tears when I saw the room though. Everyone had gathered around to present it to me. It was wonderful. It wasn’t pink, thank God for small miracles, but it was a beautiful shade of lilac with whispers of baby blue. The ceiling was a much darker color, little stars painted on. The furniture was a dark mahogany with intricate carvings of the sun and moon. The bedding matched the color of the blue on the walls. I was in love with it. Then it caught my eye. There was Pooh Bear, sitting in the crib, alone and very out of place. The mobile made me laugh.
“Is that what I think it is?” I turned to ask Luka.
“What? It’s a mobile of famous Croatian diplomats.” He smiled at me. Morris poked his head in, looking around. Yeah, Neela had decided on a co-ed baby shower.
“Did you see it?” He asked me.
“See what?”
“The little shirt I got.” He went rummaging in one of the drawers and pulled out a tiny tee. It had “ER Mascot” on the front. I rolled my eyes.
“He didn’t.” Luka and I looked at each other.
“I’m afraid he did.”
“Morris, what did I tell you about that?” I said, placing my hands at the small of my back. For some reason the back ache was more pronounced today. It wasn’t just the pain either. I had just a weird feeling, something felt off. I know as a doctor I should’ve taken it more seriously, but as a woman I ignored it.
“You don’t… love it? Because I really thought it was adorable.” He handed the tiny garment to me. “Just think about it.” He left the room. Luka turned to me, putting his hands at the base of my spine and gently massaging.
“You okay?” I nodded. “You’re sure? Because I can kick everyone out if you want to rest. Most of them have shifts in a little while anyway.” I reached up to touch his cheek, caressing.
“I’m fine, I promise.” I hooked my arms around his neck. “Swollen ankles, restless nights, backaches, and frequent bathroom trips are all part of the deal. Although I will throttle you if this kid is more than seven pounds. And I swear she’s going to play soccer.” His hand came around to rest on my baby belly.
“Football. She’s really active.”
“You’re telling me. Sure you don’t want some of the burden?”
“Would if I could.” He smiled down at me. “Did you find your mother and brother yet?”
“Actually, yes. It was nice to see them. They’re both stable and on their meds, which is even better.” Luka and I had a few more moments together before I was dragged off for more of the “fun.”
Everyone but Neela, Luka, and Maggie were gone after the games and the cake and the presents. Haleh had given me a lovely set of bath pearls and dried roses.
“You’ll appreciate these after the baby is born.” She said to me. “Remember to take some time for yourself, honey.” Sam’s gift was a wipe warmer.
“I would’ve killed for one of these when Alex was a baby. He did not like cold wipes, you can imagine how many times I was peed on.” We had a lot of the furniture, but the gifts were wonderful. There were plenty of clothes, bottles, receiving blankets, and little things like that. Everyone was really sweet and genuine.
The games were just plain chaotic. Half the group was covered in toilet paper and the other half in cake by the time we were done. I managed to stay out of the way, although Luka got completely slimed.
Neela did a great job, even as preoccupied as she was. Speaking of Neela, I’d seen her walk off with Ray somewhere. It was a wonder the two didn’t have the gossip mill in a frenzy. She wasn’t in the house. I opened the door to check for her car and almost ran into someone ringing the doorbell. He was older with graying hair and glasses. He was also tall, like Luka, but with nowhere near the shoulder width.
“Hi, can I help you?”
“Hello, I’m looking for Abigail Wyczenski. Does she live here?” It took a minute, but from the fuzzy memories, I knew who stood in front of me.
“Oh no. I am not doing this again.” I slammed the door.
“Abby? Abby, let me in.” I leaned back against the door as he banged on it. I closed my eyes against the tears. Why now? Luka and Maggie made their way over, curious.
“Is that-?” Maggie started.
“I’m your father. I just want to talk.” I pushed through Luka and Maggie, tears running down my face.
“I can’t do this.”