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Post by bostongirl on Oct 2, 2006 23:57:46 GMT 10
Christmas day was a hell. Luka played the perfect husband and father, he prepared dinner and put Susan to bed when it was time. I didn’t do a thing about it I just let it took place. Later that night we had words. I told what was on my mind and he just laughed it away. I started crying and he didn’t even tried to comfort me. He just stood there doing nothing. I yelled, he yelled and he left. Susan came and told me I needed to do something about the situation before it was too late. I didn’t understand what she meant. I really didn’t had a clue. It was the 30th of December when I finally realized what Susan meant. Too late. Luka left with Susen. He said I wasn’t stabile. He said I never have been a good mom for his child. He said I lost myself years ago and I wasn’t able to get myself back again. And he also told me I had 2 day’s to leave. So I left. Along with Susan, Chuck and Abigail. The poor little girl didn’t understand why Susen wasn’t along with us. All I did was cry. Cry as much as I could. I only took the close I wore that day nothing else. I left it all behind. I didn’t want to get reminded of the hell I lived in. At this moment I’m still at Susan’s place. I sleep on their couch and live from their money. I wish I could return something to them, they have been a great help the last couple of day’s. Susan asked Kerry if she needed a nurse or a doctor down in the ER. A nurse was her answer so Susan made an apointment for me with Kerry. I need to start all over again. “Abigail Kovac?” Kerry’s secratery said when she came out of Kerry’s office. “Yes.” I said and stood up. “Dr. Weaver is able now to see you.” So I walked in. “Abby. Take a seat.” She told me with a gazing look on her face. “Thanks Kerry. Thanks for this.” “Don’t worry. Are you ok? How are Luka and Susen?” I look down to the white carpet when I feel the tears burning in my eyes. “I’m fine. They are fine.” How the hell can I say that. I don’t know if they are fine. And I’m not fine, I’m feeling empty. “Nice to hear. Something wrong with your eyes?” Shit she noticed. “No.” And I start crying, again. “What’s wrong Abby? You can tell me.” And she moves her hand over the desk to take mine. “I left them.” I say with a shivering voice. “Luka and Susen?” “Yes. Long story. I just need a job to find a place to live and pay back Susan and Chuck.” “Well you can start as a nurse if you would. Maybe you can move up to doctor soon.” “Thanks Kerry.” “I’ll send you your shifts when their ready. Take some time off first to let it heal.” This will never heal. Never!
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Post by jadestar on Oct 3, 2006 1:13:02 GMT 10
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Post by ERFanRach on Oct 3, 2006 5:29:27 GMT 10
Update soon and please get them back together
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Post by bostongirl on Oct 4, 2006 6:31:36 GMT 10
It’s my first shift today. I haven’t slept much and breakfast was the last thing I needed allthought Chuck did his best. Walking in the ambulance bay gives me a feeling of power but when I enter the lounge and see A. Kovac on the locker door the feeling leaves as fast as it came. Elizabeth walks in to grab a cup of coffee and doesn’t notice who I am. “Hello, you’re the new nurse aren’t you? I’m Dr. Corday.” I turn around to shake her hands but when I do she notices. “Abby. Glad to see you back. How have you been? How are Luka and Susen?” I can’t tell the whole story. “They are fine. It’s good to be home.” Is my short answer. “Well I wish you good luck at you first day. You’ll need it.” And she walks away. I grab a photo out of my purse, it’s one of Susen in her princess outfit, I put it in my locker and close it. Elizabeth was right, I needed the good luck cause the ER has changed since I left it. The only one who are still there are Susan, Chuny, Haleh, Jerry, Kerry and Elizabeth. A lot of new names pass the day and I try to remember them all. “Abby, he called and asked if you could call back. It’s about Susen.” Chuck says when I arrive back. “Thanks.” And I walk upstairs to make the phonecall. “Luka.” “It’s me. Chuck said you called about Susen?” “Yeah. She has her first ballet preformence next week and I think she would love it if you came to watch it.” “I need to schedule my shift. I’ll try.” “You’ve work?” “Yeah back at County as a nurse.” “Congratulations Abby. You know this isn’t what I wanted to happen. And I’m sorry for everything I said or have done.” “I just need some time alone Luka. I need to think about us.” “I understand Abby. I really do. I have thought about it a lot. And I miss you.” “I miss you too. Tell Susen I love her and that I will be there. Bye.” “Bye Abby.” After the phonecall I burst out in tears and put my face in my pillow. “Everything allright Abs?” Chuck asks. “Yeah. It’s just that I miss them.” “That’s normall. So your going to the preformence?” “I need to she’s my baby.” “You will love it.” And he closes my door. Downstairs I hear Susan and Chuck talking about me. She doesn’t want me to go and he tells her this will be my own decision. I agree with him but I can imagine how she feels about it. So I decide to go down and talk with her. “Suz. We need to talk.” I say when I bump into her in the kitchen. “Yeah we really need to.” We walk over to the living and Chuck leaves. “I leave you two alone.” He says when he walks out. “Abby do you really think this is a good idea?” Susan says when she’s sitting on the other side of the couch. “I don’t know Susan. But I know Susen will hate me for life when I’m not there.” My voice shivers a little. “Yeah she will but one day she will understand. I really think it’s not the best for you.” “I know. I know it all but it felt so great to hear him say ‘I miss you’. I don’t know what to do.” I cry. “It’s a trick Abs. Don’t buy it. He’s not worth it. Don’t let him get you, again.” And she moves over to me to hold me and comfort me. “I just…I just miss her.” “I know. O Abs I would take away all the pain if I could. I really would do that for you.” And Susan starts crying to. For the first time I notice how much this hurst her. How much she cares for me. How much I mean for her. And that takes away my breath. “Abby, you know how much I love you. You need to get trough this without any harm. This isn’t what you wished for. I’ll be there for you.” “I know Susan. I wish I could do something back.” And we cry for some more.
I would give you the world you dream of, I would give you a brand new start, If that's what you asked for. I would give you a fortune, A dime If I had one. I would give you a house, To set your brand new start, If I could give it.
I would take your pain away, If that's what you wish for. I would take away it all, Even the most hurtfull pains you feel.
I would give you everything, If only I could. I would die if I could give you a better life. But that's no solution. Nothing will make it better, Not my soul, Not my warmth for you, Not my love for you. I just can comfort you, Comfort you with the words flooting in my mind. I just can think about you, Think hard to take away some pain. I only can be there for you, If you let me be. I would trade everything I own to give you, A solide ground, A better place, A brand new start, A whole new heart This poem has been written by me. I wrote it for my best-friend, she's an angel now. R.I.P. Martine.
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Post by ERFanRach on Oct 4, 2006 7:51:30 GMT 10
Please get them together and she needs to go to watch the performance
Update soon!!!
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Post by strizzy on Oct 5, 2006 1:28:09 GMT 10
So touching and beautifully written
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Post by bostongirl on Oct 5, 2006 23:03:22 GMT 10
! WARNING !
Don't read futher if you're feeling a bit off today!! This isn't the fic you all will love and it isn't a loving fic as all the others. Please don't read futher if you're having a bad day!!!!
Goodbye. It’s Susen’s day. Today my baby girl has her first ballet-performance. And I. I’m not there. I hate myself for not being there with her. Last night I opened my arms again. I hide it or at least I try to. I can’t take this pain anymore. I have to do something. My mind spins of at what my mom’s option was to leave the pain behind. Hanging. No to cruel for Susan when she finds me. It has to be something that won’t hurt me and that won’t be a big horror for Susan. Pills. That’s it. I search trough my back and find a strip of themazepan. In the bathroom I fill a glass with water and walk back to my little bedroom. I write a letter for Susan and one for Susen. They will find it. Susen will understand it all when she is old enough. And Luka...I’ll hope he feels the pain I felt. I take Susen’s picture and hold close to my heart. I kiss it and say goodbye. One pill at the time with some water. I haven’t eat since yesterday afternoon so it will work.
12 pills in. I can’t feel a thing. My mouth is dry. My heart is pumping like a maniac. As a nurse I know what is going on in my body. All pills in. Tired. So damn tired. I lie down on the bed and close my eyes.
I’m gone.
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Post by ERFanRach on Oct 6, 2006 0:01:18 GMT 10
UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by strizzy on Oct 6, 2006 1:45:38 GMT 10
Oh God
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Post by bostongirl on Oct 6, 2006 5:45:23 GMT 10
I know.......I'm sorry...
Susan..
“Abby?” I yell from downstairs knowing she’s up in her room. No answer. I climb up the stairs with Abigail right behind me. “Abby?” I knock on her door. No answer. I feel a empty hole inside of me. I decide to put Abigail in her room before I enter Abby hers. “Hun mommy will be right back.” And I close Abigail’s bed room door.
I walk over to Abby her door and knock on it again. No answer. A bad scenario runs to my mind and I just hope it’s not what I think it is.
I open the door slowly. No reaction, not a single sound. When the door is open I see her lying on the bed, slowly breaths. No..no..no!
“Chuck call a ambulance right now!” I yell. I start heart compressions. Chuck walks in to tell me the ambu will be there in 15 minutes. I shake my head knowing they will be too late.
“Susan stop it. You can’t help her.” Chuck lays his hands on my shoulder. I don’t want to stop, as long as I’m pushing her heart she’s a life. I’m here connection to the world of the living. I can’t let her go. “Susan please.” I know he’s crying. And I stop the compressions. “Time of death, 05.54.” Just before dinner.
Chuck goes with ambulance to County, I asked them to bring her there. Knowing she will be in good hands. I take the car to drive there. Abigail is with me and is asking me why I’m crying. Why Aunt Abby is in the ambulance with her daddy. I can’t answer them.
“Susan?” It’s Kerry. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t help her.” And I collapse in the arms of my boss. And suddenly I realize it was never in my ability to help her get trough this.
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Post by hollygirl on Oct 6, 2006 6:00:31 GMT 10
oh my god! did you really just kill Abby?!? or did I read wrong?! How could you do that?!
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Post by ERFanRach on Oct 6, 2006 6:51:35 GMT 10
Can't believe you killed Abby. Bring her back to life.
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Post by bostongirl on Oct 6, 2006 20:55:50 GMT 10
I can't bring her back to life.
The day after.. It had been a long day. I called Luka to tell him he needed to get over here right away; he did along with Susen and Eric, Abby’s younger brother. Chuck picked them up at the airport, I told him not to tell them I need to do that.
“Luka.” I say when he walks in with Susen in his arms. “Susan, what’s going on?” “Sit down please.” My voice shivers and my eyes are filling up with tears. “ It’s Abby.” He looks at me with his wide open eyes and I think he already knows what happened. “No. Don’t tell me that.” “I’m sorry Luka. I wasn’t at home. I couldn’t stop her. I did everything I could do but it wasn’t enough to safe her.” Chuck takes Susen with him upstairs and leaves me behind with Luka and Eric.
Eric hasn’t said a single word since he came in and I’m worried. Knowing his background makes me feel sorry for him. Losing his mother and his sister.
“I need to see her.” Luka says after an hour. “That’s ok. I’ll drive you. What about you Eric?” I look at him but he’s not here. “Is he on his meds?” I ask Luka. “No. I didn’t give him his meds knowing that on the meds he wouldn’t be here with us but in his own little world.” And Luka puts a hand on Eric’s shoulder. “Luka, I can’t go trough this again. She’s my sister.” Finally, Eric speaks up. “I know Eric but you have to be strong. We’ll help you.” I say when I kneel down in front of him. “I don’t want to see her. I want to remember her like she was.” “That’s ok. You can stay here with Chuck, Susen and Abigail.” I tell him.
The ride to the hospital was weird. I noticed Luka does love her and in how much pain he is right now. We enter the ER, knowing he will need the support of his friends. “I’m sorry Luka.” Kerry is sitting at the desk. He nods and walk straight to the elevator.
Her skin is pail. Her hair looks nice. “Was she in pain?” Luka asks me. “No.” I lie knowing she was in a lot pain, not from the pills she took but from all the things, she has been trough.
“I still can’t believe she’s gone. Really gone. How am I supposed to life without her? I can’t give Susen a normal life without her mom.” I nod, not knowing what to say. I wrap an arm around his waist and he places his head on my shoulder. I can’t believe the strong man standing next to me is know feeling so little. He’s crying when I look up at his eyes. It makes me cry. He takes her hand and kisses it. After that he does the kiss on her fore-head and I feel the love he has for her. That kiss was their kiss. It was the kiss that made her feel so beloved and welcomed. And know it’s all too late. She’s gone.
“Come on Abigail you need to eat something.” I tell my daughter when we are having dinner. “Mommy I can’t eat. Aunty Abby died.” The little girl has tears in her eyes and I feel so sorry for her. This isn’t a thing a child has to survive. I’m sorry for Susen who will grow up with out Abby. She wasn’t meant to be a child without a mom. Abby loved her. And I will make sure Susen will know that. I’ll tell her all the things Abby has done for her and what kind of person her mom was. I’ll tell her how her mommy was as a doctor and how her mommy was as a friend. She needs to know all these things.
She needs to know how Abby laughed, those were priceless. She needs to know how Abby was always there for her patient, even when she became a doctor she was still there for her patients. She needs to know how Abby was as a friend, her heart was there for everyone.
“Susan? Have you called Haleh, John and Neela?” Luka asks when we are outside watching the stars. “Not yet. I can’t tell them that the woman they worshiped is gone. Especially John.” “I know. But we have to. We can go visit them tomorrow. Neela is living in Abby’s old apartment and John is living in the house of his grandma.” “Tomorrow is fine. I’m of to bed. I need some sleep.” And I grab his hand to make sure he knows that I’m there for him. “Thanks Susan for this.”
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Post by bostongirl on Oct 7, 2006 1:28:29 GMT 10
The letters, I found Abby’s farewell letters tonight when I sneaked into ‘her’ room. I was searching for her clothes; she needs to wear her Abby outfit. A jeans and a long-sleeved shirt.
Dear friend, soul mate, sister. I can’t say goodbye in a proper way so I just write it down for you.
If you find this letter, it either means I’m gone or that I’m in the hospital fighting for my life. If I’m fighting pull out the plug. I remember the first day I met you as it was yesterday. You came back to County General Hospital were I started working as a nurse. You smiled and introduced yourself and later that day we worked together on an OD patient. The patient died.
We weren’t close friends in the first few months but after the day, we needed to go to some undesirable behavior class with Gallant, Carter and Luka. That day was the start of our close friendship. It became a close and strong one. You were there for me when Carter left me. You supported me trough med-school. You helped me when my mom killed herself. You helped me with everything I have been trough.
I know I’ve hurt you by leaving without saying goodbye. And I’m sorry for that but I just couldn’t.
Susan you meant the world to me. You were my dearest friend and the only one who knew in how much pain I was. Be pleased that I have peace now. Remember me like I was when you just met me.
Pass on the love you had for me to new people that will enter your life.
Susan, will you make sure Susen goes to college. And when she asks how her mom was tell her the truth about the last months of my life. Don’t make her think it was a accident. Just tell her the truth.
I wish you and Chuck along with Abigail a lot of joy and happiness in your life along with laughter and love. Take care my dearest friend.
I will never be out of your life. I’ll be there when you need me.
With all my love,
Abby.
I cry and want to torn the letter apart. The words are meaningful and loving. But also hurtful and they bring so much anger in me. I find the letter for Susen and I can’t help it to read.
To my daughter.
Susen you’re to little at this moment to understand but when your able to read this letter you will understand everything. If not ask your Aunt Susan she has answers.
I’m your mom. I was in your life for only a short period. Just know that I loved you and that it wasn’t you who made me do it. I had a lot of pain in my life. Difficult pain I couldn’t deal with. Your grandma was bi-polar and that made it all start. I hope you understand.
Susen I love you. I just want you to know that. You were my angel. And now I’m yours. I’ll always be with you. On your first day in high school, your first kiss, your first day at college, your wedding-day, every day I will be there on your side. To witness you and support you trough the things that comes your way.
Whenever you feel down or upset think of me and I will help to get over it and comfort you. When people ask were your mom is tell them I’m in heaven. Being an angel for my baby girl.
Susen, your dad is a great man and he will support you. Be close with him and you will learn from him. If you have any question about our relationship you’re allowed to ask him. He will answer him in truth.
Susen, your aunt Susan will always be there for you. Same for your friend Abigail. Be there for them too. They have lost to. Whenever you need someone to talk to go to Susan, she will listen.
Susen I wish you all the luck in the world. Find your way in this world and make it your own. I love you no matter what.
With all my love, Your mommy.
I feel the love in the words from her. She was such a warm and strong person. The best I’ve ever met. I will never forget her. And I know she will always be there with me.
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Post by charlieluby on Oct 7, 2006 1:49:59 GMT 10
So sweet and so sad! Please update soon! x
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