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Post by sammiejm on Jul 14, 2006 1:54:46 GMT 10
Strizzy, the Luka you are writing is so different from the one we all know and love. However, I wonder sometimes how he has been able to go through all that has happened in his life without some sort of serious depression showing, maybe your version shows a side of his character that is normally kept hidden.
You write as if you know what you are talking about here.
Whatever it is, your writing and the story is excellent. I'm interested to see what his decision is, but almost don't want to know. It's going to be sad, I can tell.
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Post by Little Amy on Jul 14, 2006 4:58:32 GMT 10
I just sat and read the whole thing, and i'm loving it!! UPDATE SOON!
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Post by strizzy on Jul 14, 2006 5:05:29 GMT 10
I know that this is kind of sad at the moment, and it will continue the same way for the time being. However, I am going to get things back on track eventually. Also, I have to inform you that I am going away tomorrow for a week. You’ll get this chapter now, and possibly another later. I will have time to write while I’m away, so I’ll be able to update more when I get back home.
Chapter Four – Decisions
I wasn’t myself anymore, but then none of us were. I mean, I know that Dad was depressed, but I would never have thought him capable of deliberately scaring us in the way in which he did. And I have always wondered how Grandma managed to persuade him to get help, and the only conclusion that I have ever been able to come up with is that she used emotional blackmail on him, just like he did to us, by telling him that he would lose another family if he carried on in the same way. Then there was Mum; I don’t know if she already knew that something big was going to happen, but all of a sudden she started spending a lot more time in London visiting Auntie Neela, who moved back there to be with her family. This is probably happening because Mum needs someone to talk to, and Auntie Neela has been one of her best friends for years now, she is even my Godmother, and I guess she is the only one of Mum’s old friends who is in the same country as her, even though it takes several hours on the train to get to London from Manchester. Will has started being difficult, and he and I didn’t see eye-to-eye on anything, so we fought a lot more. It was more than that though, he wouldn’t get up in a morning, he wouldn’t go to bed when he should at night, and he ignored everything that Mum and Dad said to him, and you know what, I didn’t blame him because neither of us could tell whether we were being told the truth anymore. I’ll admit that I didn’t talk to Mum and Dad all that much either during this period, I bottled up feelings, and stayed in my room the whole time. I wouldn’t let my parents see me cry because I thought that they were too wrapped up in their own problems to be concerned about me. I became more and more withdrawn at school, yet my teachers didn’t care because my work was still of the same high standard, but that was because I was using schoolwork as a distraction, a way of pretending that nothing was wrong, but everything was wrong and nobody noticed.
Dad told us that the medication for his depression was helping him to see things more clearly, and that he felt that he needed a change. One evening he sat us all down and told us that he had bought himself another house and that he was going to be moving out as soon as the people already living there moved out and he got the keys. He said that he needed his own space so that he could get his head together; he said that he couldn’t help himself whilst living in the same house as Mum. That was when my world really began to fall apart because it was the first time that I feared that he didn’t want anything to do with me, or Mum and Will, anymore.
Incomplete – Backstreet Boys
Empty spaces fill me up with holes Distant faces with no place left to go Without you within me I can’t find no way Where I’m going is anybody’s guess
I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you I’m awake but my world is half asleep I pray for this heart to be unbroken But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete
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Post by lubyluver on Jul 14, 2006 5:13:23 GMT 10
Great Update!
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Post by lubyfan on Jul 14, 2006 5:37:26 GMT 10
It's really good, update soon!
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Post by strizzy on Jul 14, 2006 8:59:30 GMT 10
This is most likely the last update you’ll get from me for about a week, unless I get time to do one more in the morning, so enjoy.
Chapter Five – Everything Changes If I had thought that my life was bad before Dad moved out, then afterwards it was an absolute nightmare; I thought that things couldn’t get much worse. I wish that I could say that I understood what was happening and why, but I honestly can’t because I was the one who has been left to pick up the pieces. Everything was starting to get on top of me; I couldn’t handle having Mum breaking down in front of me all of the time because it was starting to mess around with my own emotions. I had exams to sit a few months later, for which I knew that I couldn’t be an emotional wreck. I felt so unsure of how things were going to turn out; would they get better or would they get worse? The problem was that this couldn’t be answered until Dad had moved out, and we still didn’t know when that would be.
I felt at that moment like the only thing I needed to do was cry, but how could I, and when? I was being strong for Mum, but there was nobody to be strong for me. I couldn’t cry at school (though I almost did on several occasions) because how would that have looked? And I couldn’t cry at home because Will would probably have laughed at me and Mum would probably have just cried more herself. It might sound really stupid, but I almost felt that if I started crying, and was unable to stop, how would I have coped then? So I was attempting to cope in the only way that I knew how, but was burying myself in schoolwork really the best way to deal with the situation? Probably not because sooner or later it was all going to come crashing down on me, and I didn’t know how I could have dealt with that.
My biggest problem at that point was how to confide how I was feeling in someone. I had a friend at school who seemed to have a good idea of how emotionally unstable I was feeling at that time, and he knew that by supporting my Mum I was making myself feel even lower. But how could I have broken down in front of him? Why should he have had to deal with my problems too? But who could I confide in at home? Mum was in a bad enough way as it was, and how could I talk to Dad?
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Post by Little Amy on Jul 14, 2006 9:25:06 GMT 10
Great update!
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Post by zelda on Jul 14, 2006 22:45:11 GMT 10
Strizzi, this is such an incredible story. How can Luka have destroyed his kids' childhood and happiness? Why did he become so self-destructive, and sank into such a deep depression? I'm so looking forward to reading the next chapters!
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Post by zelda on Jul 18, 2006 22:10:17 GMT 10
Hi, Strizzi, Your story is so original and beautifully written. I'm dying to know why Luka messed everything up, and I'd love to know more about his teenage kids. Please, update soon!
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Post by strizzy on Jul 23, 2006 4:16:03 GMT 10
I got home yesterday, but we have had several thunderstorms today, so my mum has had the phonelines unplugged so that they weren't damaged by the lightning again! But I have the next chapter now:-
Chapter Six – Loneliness
I had some really bad days in the period between Dad’s announcement and him actually moving out. I would wake up in the morning with my head banging, and then I would feel ill and often faint all day. It must have seemed like I was in a bad mood to most people, but the truth was that I was struggling to cope with everything that was going on, and I wasn’t exactly feeling my best, so I was just letting everyone and everything get to me.
I would walk home from school, and I still can’t express how incredibly lonely I was feeling. All I wanted to do was run away, hide and cry, yet I couldn’t because I was the strong one, and if I had broken down just then, I really don’t know how my Mum would have coped. I’ll admit that I wasn’t worried about myself at that point; it was Mum who concerned me. The worst time was probably when the friend who I walked home from school with was on holiday, because I had nobody to talk to as I don’t have anyone else who walks the same way. And even if there was, I wouldn’t have confided in them because the only people I could begin to trust then were my two best friends – one being the person who I would walk home with. Unbelievable as it may seem, the rest of my friends hadn’t even noticed that anything seemed unusual about me, they didn’t even realise that there was something wrong. And it was this that made me feel more lonely than I already felt with the distance between the members of my family.
2am – Pendragon
It's 2am and it's raining again And I'm feeling tired in my heart And I can't shift it out again And I know about the way it feels And I know just what it entails And we take our positions on the firing line It's nearly time It's raining again and I feel like I'm playing a part From the start and I feel like I'm taking apart The way it's been going When their money can talk and the rain won't stop And your glory days have taken a beating Stick around for your fortune and fame Put your hours in the bank of no interest claim In '49 when the gold rush came now it's 2001 Some things never change Talk to me insecurity as it bleeds me But got this fire that burns Got a heart that just never learns And the fortune and the fame Looking back upon the days when the band couldn't play Take it all So wake up stay up you look wonderful Wake up take up Got a bitter little cocktail of our weaknesses and faults And we trampled it in the mud till it was emotional pulp It's 3am and it's raining again And I'm feeling tired Felt a little bit lucky, had a cease-fire for the night My magazine was running dry
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Post by luby2534 on Jul 23, 2006 4:25:52 GMT 10
Totally addicted to your story. Anychance you can update again tonight
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Post by strizzy on Jul 23, 2006 7:47:56 GMT 10
Chapter Seven – Health Worries
The headaches that I had constantly were causing really weird things to happen, and that was really worrying me. I got a lot of dizzy spells, often several within a day, but I was soon able to cope with this. However, there have been two occasions when the dizziness was really bad and overwhelmed me.
The first time, I walked into the kitchen, went dizzy and ended up on the floor. Dad was in the kitchen at the time and he saw me walk into the room, then I lost my balance and fell against the cooker, knocking my chin on the top on the way down. Mum and Dad took me to the hospital to find out why I had collapsed and I ended up being referred to a Neurologist who put me on to some medication and sent me for an MRI scan, which thankfully was clear.
The other time I had been to church in the morning, and then Will was playing soccer close by, so I went with Mum to watch. I was fine at church, but I started feeling off it in the car. By the time we had got to the place where Will was playing, and I had got out of the car, my legs felt like jelly, and I felt really strange, and my vision was blurry. Thankfully Mum, being a doctor, knew to sit me down with a bottle of water, and not leave me on my own. So she asked my friend’s mum, who is friendly with my Mum and her son is friendly with Will, to keep an eye on me while she went to check on Will.
After the second incident, Mum took me back to the doctor, who took me off of my medication. But thank God this happened during a school holiday, because without it I felt so much worse. So when I went back to the doctor a week later, he put me back on my medication, however, he increased the dosage so I felt wiped out all of the time instead of having the headache of such a high intensity. Which was worse, I didn’t know.
Don’t Hurt Yourself – Marillion
There’ll come a time when all of this is over And something else will grow and take its place The brand new car; scrap metal in the junkyard The children playing will grow up and leave home
Put it away, this dream you can’t stop dreaming Put it away, this anger at the side The open road is infinitely hopeful Take all those memories, and throw them in the fire
Don’t hurt yourself, don’t hurt yourself Don’t hurt yourself, any more Don’t hurt yourself, don’t hurt yourself Any more
There’s an old man on a warm and sunny island No job, no money, just a smile to call his own No what he says? “The past will only haunt you, Live for today, each day’s an open door”
Don’t hurt yourself, don’t hurt yourself Don’t hurt yourself, any more
Nothing to lose, its nothing to fight over The shining stars have seen it all before
Don’t hurt yourself, don’t hurt yourself Don’t hurt yourself, any more Don’t hurt yourself, don’t hurt yourself Don’t hurt yourself, any more Any more, any more
Dust keeps coming, rust keeps coming Weeds keep growing, where you’re going
Dust keeps coming, rust keeps coming Weeds keep growing, we’re going
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Post by Rach :) on Jul 23, 2006 8:33:00 GMT 10
i just started 2 read ur fic and i luv it its quite kewl its in England coz its closer 2 home 4 me seen as i live in scotland keep up the gd work and upd8 soon
*Racho*
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Post by strizzy on Jul 23, 2006 8:51:34 GMT 10
Chapter Eight – Hitting Home
One day it finally hit me that everything I didn’t want to happen was going to be happening regardless of how I felt about it. But up until then I had been putting it to the back of my mind and hoping that everything would turn out to be alright in the end. However, I knew then that no amount of selective thoughtfulness would make me blind to what was going on around me, though God only knows that I wish that it had.
Dad got the keys for his house on that day, so I suppose that when he started moving stuff over there, it occurred to me just how real everything had become, and just how much I didn’t like it. We had recently bought new furniture for our house, so Dad was taking the old stuff out of the garage to furnish his new house.
All I felt like doing on that evening was crying, yet I had to go to band practice, so I had to calm myself down. I think that Mum noticed that I wasn’t feeling ready to accept what was going on, because I was avoiding going to Dad’s as I thought that it would make everything seem so final. I suppose that my train of thought was, foolishly, the idea that if I didn’t go round there, then everything would just go back to normal again. But then I knew that wasn’t going to happen, no matter how much I prayed. Yes, I was doubting my faith as well! I didn’t know whether it was possible to feel any lower than I did just then.
Half a World Away – REM
This could be the saddest dusk I've ever seen Turn to a miracle, high alive My mind is racing, as it always will My hands tired, my heart aches I'm half a world away, here, My head sworn
To go it alone, and haul it along And haul it along, and hold it Go it alone, and hold it along Oh…
Oh the lonely deep sit hollow Half a world, half a world away My shoes are gone, my life spent I've had too much to drink I didn't think, I didn't think of you I guess that's all I needed
To go it alone, and hold it along, And haul it along, and hold it Blackbirds, backwards, forwards and fall Oh…
Oh this lonely world is wasted Pathetic eyes, high alive Blind to the tide that turns the sea This storm that came up strong It shook the trees, and blew away our fear I couldn't even hear
To go it alone, and hold it along, Haul it along, and hold it Go it alone, hold it along, Oh... Go it alone, and hold it along Haul it along, and hold it Blackbirds, backwards, forwards and fall Oh...
Oh this could be the saddest dusk I've ever seen Turn to a miracle, high alive My mind is racing, as it always will My hands tired, my heart aches I'm half a world away
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Post by jaana on Jul 23, 2006 15:58:55 GMT 10
Loved it! Update soon!
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