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Post by rorygilmore on Jul 23, 2006 17:56:12 GMT 10
Poor girl...it's so sad Hope happiness is just around the corner for the Kovac's
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Post by Rach :) on Jul 23, 2006 20:18:21 GMT 10
up d8 soon
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Post by strizzy on Jul 24, 2006 2:20:32 GMT 10
Chapter Nine – Isolation and Despair
I can just remember feeling so lost, as if everything that was going on around me had been so far away, and I was insignificant compared to it. My problem was that whilst I could confide in my friends, they were unable to empathise with me because they had never been in my position. They therefore couldn’t help me, which left me feeling even more isolated and distanced from them. One of them asked me why I didn’t want to go to Florida for Christmas, and all I could think was ‘can’t you see!’ but he didn’t understand, how could he? Why should he? Honestly, why would I have wanted to go away and play ‘happy families’ for a week when we were far from that and we all knew it? Yet everyone else wanted to go, and I really couldn’t understand why, but nobody could see the situation from my perspective, which isolated me from the rest of them.
I really wish that I had possessed the gift of optimism back then, but I didn’t, and consequently found it hard to think about the good parts of a situation, instead, I always focused on the bad. I think that that was the main reason for my not wanting to have Dad living somewhere else; he kept pointing out the ‘good’ things, like how his house was less than a ten-minute walk from where I lived with my Mum, but I couldn’t think like that. He also wanted me to spend a night there, but I refused and told him that I didn’t want two houses, or two bedrooms. I actually ended up getting really upset because he just wouldn’t get it and it felt like the conversation was just going round in circles, until Mum took the phone off of me and told him to accept my decision for the time being. Thankfully, he took some of the pressure off of me after that, but he continued badgering me, even though all I wanted him to do was leave me alone. I still don’t know what happen to our relationship, before we were so close, but just then it was like we were strangers to one another.
We Might As Well Be Strangers – Keane
I don’t know your face no more Or feel the touch that I adore I don’t know your face no more It’s just a place I’m looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town We might as well be living in a different world We might as well We might as well We might as well
I don’t know your thoughts these days We’re strangers in an empty space I don’t understand your heart It’s easier to be apart
We might as well be strangers in another town We might as well be living in another time We might as well We might as well We might as well be strangers Be strangers For all I know of you now For all I know of you now For all I know of you now For all I know…
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Post by Rach :) on Jul 24, 2006 22:20:29 GMT 10
gr8 upd8
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Post by zelda on Jul 24, 2006 23:25:28 GMT 10
Hi, Strizzy. I'm totally addicted to your fic. So sad and mysterious! I like the part when you write that Louisa is a pessimist like Abby, only thinking about the bad aspects of a situation. We slowly get to know her better. Very beautiful writing.
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Post by strizzy on Jul 25, 2006 5:07:40 GMT 10
Chapter Ten – Keeping Busy
Luckily for me I quickly reached a period at school where I had so much coursework to juggle with revision for mock exams, that I hardly had time to think about my situation at home, and that suited me fine.
I had deadlines approaching left, right and centre; Geography, Maths, German, the list goes on. It was nice to not have to think about my personal problems, but I just didn’t have enough time in the day to complete all of the required work. I can remember having to ask for extensions, not just for myself, but for the whole class, particularly in maths because the teacher would realise that if I were struggling, then everyone else would be too, or so they all said. I guess that for me it was good to know that the rest of my year were in the same position as me, however, they were living without the risk of having a breakdown, which could have been the path I had ended up on, had I not blocked out my emotions and just got on with my work, hoping for the best.
But by doing this, I was reacting to trivial things, as I continued building my walls higher. The foundations were already there, since they remained from the bullying that I suffered. I remember losing my temper so quickly, and I was scared because that wasn’t me, I had always been so calm and hard to unsettle. I felt myself turning into this uptight bitch, but much as I tried, I couldn’t do anything about it. The most ironic thing is that this was when people finally, after several months, began to notice that there was something wrong, only a couple of people had noticed before that, and I will be forever grateful to them for the endless support that they gave me.
Anyway, even outside of school, and aside from work, I managed to throw myself into another ‘project’. Sure, I had taken part in the church pantomimes for years, but on that occasion, I used it as yet another distraction tactic, and it worked. Rehearsals and other preparation took over my Sundays, leaving Saturdays as my only free days, and I would work all day so that wasn’t free either. But it was so worth it as everything came together in the end! We had so many problems in the first dress rehearsal, and I have heard that the second was terrible. However, the opening night was a complete success, much to all of our surprise! Mum was really impressed. The second night wasn’t as good since we had lighting problems and were working with a spotlight, yet it was funnier because the man playing the dame had decided to cheer me up, by splattering Will in the face with a custard pie. Me and Dad, as well as the rest of the cast backstage, fell about laughing, and it was the first time that I had been happy in a long time. The other nights went well too, and I was glad to actually feel happy again. Perhaps life was actually getting better, I was getting on with Dad, and I was coping with the situation.
King of the Castle - Pendragon
Crossing the wastelands to carry me home Holding the last breath of faith to the end Rising from ashes my task is now done I took the vows My only bows
Looking for somewhere that's home to me now The king of the castle and his sacred cow I travelled the world and by chance this is how The lies became true Between me and you Free spirit I've travelled, so follow me now
Held by the raging and powerful sea Never threw up my hands to accept the defeat Long nights of questions, no answers to hold A heart of gold My kindred soul
Looking for somewhere that's home to me now The king of the castle and his sacred cow I travelled the world and by chance this is how The lies became true Between me and you Free spirit I've travelled, so follow me now
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Post by Rach :) on Jul 25, 2006 5:12:42 GMT 10
gr8 upd8
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Post by luby2534 on Jul 25, 2006 7:54:11 GMT 10
Loved the update !!
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Post by strizzy on Jul 25, 2006 22:14:50 GMT 10
The song that I have included in this chapter is called Unspoken Words by Pendragon, and it has got to be one of my favourite songs, and I just thought that it fitted the mood perfectly.
Chapter Eleven – Unspoken Words
Though Dad and I were finally back on speaking terms, I still wouldn’t talk to him about, or let him see, my emotions. I was still ‘unstable’ emotionally, and even the slightest thing was bringing me to tears, I felt screwed up, and really confused. Yet I was no longer at rock bottom, the only way was up, so people would tell me, I still couldn’t quite see it though. My confusion was causing me to feel incapable of forming opinions; I wouldn’t express myself, keeping quiet, only crying whilst alone in my room.
I had so many insecurities; I guess I take after my Mum with this. I feel unsure of my self, and of my abilities; my dream is to go to medical school so that I can become a doctor like my parents, but I feared that I would make a mess of the exams that I had approaching. I was also pissed off because someone decided it would be a good idea to steal my notes, only weeks before a major exam in that subject. I had pressure flying at me from every angle, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I was really wondering what that year would bring me, though I really hoped that I would manage to achieve good grades in my exams. But the extra stress was causing my incessant headache to intensify and sometimes I was in so much pain that I couldn’t sleep.
I was just so sick of Dad trying to get me to talk to him about my feelings, and so fed up of him just assuming that I was happy with every arrangement. He would never ask me what I wanted, and it was driving me mad. And he was also still trying to get me to stay with him, but I continued to feel reluctant as Dad’s house just served as a reminder of everything that had gone wrong. It WAS NOT a question of loyalty, as he seemed to think! Now that really was starting to get on my nerves, he accused me of having everything that I said influenced by Mum, who usually passed on my comments, as I didn’t see much of him. It annoyed me because my feelings belonged to me then, and they still do now, and yes they were influenced by the way Dad was treating Mum, but they were still MY feelings; Mum never told me what to say. I had my own mind and I could think for myself!
I didn’t know whether I was coming or going half of the time, and it seemed that the rest of the time I felt down. At such times I just wanted to cry, and I also needed to be alone. I hated feeling like that, but everything just seemed to be crashing down around my ears – my family; everything that I had known and loved for the last sixteen years. I felt like I was alone within this whirlwind that had picked up my life and torn it into tiny pieces, so I now feel that I was probably justified for feeling low, and not talking probably didn’t help; I just observed everything falling to pieces, but felt helpless, it was out of my control, and I knew it.
Unspoken Words – Pendragon
He never knew what words to say He always used to be afraid Just like a child who’s scared of falling down again Free will in a big wide world And life in a divided heart Threw caution to the wind He knew that right from the start So many nights in crowded rooms Small hours among the cigarette fumes But always searching for a reason Some things in this life were never meant to be And the friends that our hearts make We can no longer see desires within Their eyes roam free He knew that beauty kills completely To be the person that others would need Haunted by the past sometimes And counting the cost of pride Holding the truth so quietly inside There’s a fear to speak against the tide Now to see the guiding hand in the night
You can go all around the world They’ll give you golden rings and pearls You search for your dreams But when you get there They’re not always what they seem Cause it all comes back to your heart Perhaps someday When the difference passed away Through the tears you’ll see it clear Feel the love Let go your fears The gift of life that lasts eternity And you’ll know the greatest love of all Those unspoken words…
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Post by Rach :) on Jul 27, 2006 2:13:49 GMT 10
gd upd8
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Post by strizzy on Jul 27, 2006 8:09:04 GMT 10
I apologise if any of this is getting repetitive, I’m not that good at keeping track of the things that I’ve already written. Oh, and sorry it’s short!
Chapter Twelve – Fear of Getting Hurt
It was probably silly, but for me, being given just a little bit of abused caused me to get either upset or angry depending on what had actually been said. I think that this was because I was oversensitive, which I think came as a result of the bullying that I had to endure over so many years. People would tell me that I was too quick to react, but I couldn’t help it because although I may had rebuilt the self-confidence that was destroyed, I let the bullies hurt me, and I was scared that if I didn’t react, like I didn’t then, that they would have walked all over me and hurt me again. It is possible to say that I lived in fear of having such emotional pain inflicted upon me again.
However, some people at school were using the guarantee that I would react to whatever they did to their advantages. I remember being sat in a maths lesson, not feeling particularly well, and having pieces of stationary thrown at me, rubbers to be exact. They thought that it was incredibly funny that these rubbers were bouncing off of my head, but I wasn’t laughing because I already had a headache, so I shouted at them to stop, but they wouldn’t, so I put my head in my hands and cried. I think they got the message then!
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Post by jaana on Jul 27, 2006 16:27:06 GMT 10
Update soon!
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Post by strizzy on Jul 27, 2006 21:25:24 GMT 10
Chapter Thirteen – Concerts and Confusion
Since keeping busy took my mind off my raging emotions, I found that I needed to throw myself into something outside of schoolwork; you could call it light relief! So, I involved myself with the local concert band, and let music be my retreat. Retreat works when you end up in Paris! We were invited to play at Disneyland, so our conductors decided to take us on tour and we played at several locations within the city. It was just so good to be away from home, though I hated leaving Mum on her own. I was happy, though, that one of my friends from school was also a member of the band, so I at least knew someone. I really enjoyed having the opportunity to be involved in that tour, and I learned so much, whilst not having to think about my problems.
There was also a yearly concert which takes place in a park which, when I look back, was quite amusing. The weather forecast had predicted that it would have been sunny and warm, that was a joke! Let’s say that I was sat on the field under an umbrella in the pouring rain listening to the other bands. The rain stopped about an hour before we were due on stage, but our band wouldn’t all fit under the marquee. So my section were sat outside, and guess what? It started raining, and we got wet!
These were great distractions, just like the pantomime, but I was still confused about whether or not Dad actually wanted to spend time with me. I mean in just one weekend he had implied both, so I wasn’t sure what to think. On the Saturday we went to a concert together; it was fantastic and I really enjoyed being able to spend time with Dad. Then on the Sunday, he came to the concert in the park just before we were due to start playing, and then left about five minutes after we finished; I hardly saw anything of him, never mind talked to him. I’ll admit that it was really weird, as if he couldn’t decide whether he wanted to be involved in my life or not.
After that weekend I made no effort to talk to Dad, though if he had wanted to talk to me, he could have got in touch with me very easily. Well after a while, Mum came home from work and told me that Dad had implied to her that he wasn’t going to get in touch with me, I was to get in touch with him. I really didn’t think that it was fair for him to have made me have to make all of the effort because he was as much to blame for our ‘breakdown in communication’ as I was, if not more, since he knew my feelings but still went out of his way to make things difficult for me.
Cautioners – Jimmy Eat World
The time I would spend With pictures I would not send I watch you go from left to right I followed you all night Across my blinds
You’ll change your mind come Monday And turn your back on me You take your steps away with hesitance And take your steps away from me
I’m making my peace And making it with distance But maybe that’s a big mistake You know I’m thinking of you I miss you
You’ll change your mind come Monday And turn your back on me You take your steps away with hesitance And take your steps away from me
You’ll change your mind come Monday And turn your back on me You take your steps away with hesitance And take your steps away from me From me From me From me
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Post by strizzy on Jul 28, 2006 2:59:05 GMT 10
This chapter may include pieces that seem final and signal the end, but I’m not done just yet…
Chapter Fourteen – Letting Go
The end of exams was the beginning of a period of about ten weeks where I had absolutely nothing to do whatsoever. I didn’t know what to do with myself! However, while for everybody else who had been released from school having finished exams it was possible to do whatever they wanted, I was hit by everything that I had tried to bury, as there was nothing left to use as a distraction.
Before I did anything else, I allowed myself to cry all that I needed to and think about everything that had happened. I knew that the only way to get past the feelings I had was going to be to accept the situation. Looking back on the way I fell to pieces during that time, I still don’t know how I managed to hold it together so well over the previous year, but the pent up emotion does that to you, I know that now.
I’m not very good at letting go, I never have been! But I had to, for my own sanity. I had to accept that Mum and Dad’s relationship was over, at least for the moment. I had to stop letting that getting in the way of my own happiness, because it was, and get on with my life. It took time, but that I did, and I know that my life was better for it. If I’m honest it was great to feel so happy again, especially as it had been so long since I had felt that good! Now I know that I was blind to what had started going on under my nose whilst I was only thinking about myself…
P.S. next chapter something significant happens. It is going to get better soon, I promise! That's if you want me to carry on. Let me know please!
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Post by luby2534 on Jul 28, 2006 8:35:26 GMT 10
Oh no you cant tell us that and leave it like that. That's so unfair.
We want an update !!!!
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